Admittance
The hardest thing for any person to do is admit that you are wrong. Seriously it is. By doing so you are sacrificing your pride in the face of other people.
You know how going to college is supposed to be an experience of a lifetime... it is supposed to be the place that you discover your true self in a world of uncertainty. So I am supposed to answer the BIG questions in life... what is my job going to be, possibly who am I going to marry, who do I want to be...? These are questions that I will undoubtedly answer. But have I done these so far? I really need to get my shit together here... I am fighting a losing battle with almost everything. The only thing I am certain of is my degree and my orientation within the workplace. I know where I am heading with that. I just lack the understanding of who I really am, who I want to be around other people, and more importantly why I act and say the things I do.
In high school I had a moderate amount of friends, not too many and not too little. Enough to be busy all the time. I was active in just about everything Boy Scouts, Swimming, Baseball, High School clubs, Youth Group. I was kind and polite... Honestly I am an EAGLE SCOUT! The whole scout motto and law states that I should carry out the traits on a daily basis without thinking about it. It should be autonomous. Has it been for me? NO! Why is it? It's gray, ambiguous... I don't know how I have developed into a person with negativity and a sometimes demeaning personality. It's crazy to think about. I really believe I haven't become fake. Just because I wear clothes that make me stand out and I cop judgments and comments about people doesn't mean I have become an entirely negative judgmental asshole. Some people might say I am. In my opinion to actually reach that status would mean I would have to believe it. I really don't. I have no problem with anyone. I am actually a kind caring person. I have grown up in a world where kind and caring doesn't succeed, so I hide behind a facade of negativity to shelter myself from being hurt for being... nice. Is this who I want to be. Look at where this hiding has gotten me. I worked so hard to find myself a nice girl to spend my time with. I am a very selective person. I don't put myself out there for everyone. I felt like I found the perfect answer to the question... who am I going to marry?
When it all boils down and we take away the positives, the good times, the conversations, trips, smiles and laughs... There is what I have become. I have really become a stranger to myself. I am not who I want to be right now. I may not show my sometimes mean spirit to a waitress or an employee at Marshall Fields... but I may say something about them when they aren't around... like they are too slow... look at what they are wearing. Do I care? not really... what has happened is that I am so used to making those comments to get a rise out of other people that I just make them. It's out of sheer sarcasm that I say these things and I have become so good at sarcasm it seems true. Some people would say that this is just 'too bad' that its not a person they are interested in being around or dating. I would agree really. I probably would not want to be involved with myself either.
It seems that when I go to church I tend to revert back into the person I was in high school. The happy person who says Hi, Please, Thank you, May I, Your Welcome, How are you today... end with small talk. In some ways college has made me into a cold person devoid of interest in others feelings. I don't want to be that person. I see how it will be tough to manage a relationship or even a marriage, with children, if I carry on this mentality. So there is a change, again that I need to make. Maybe this is stress playing a role in how I act out on others. I tak it out on people for seemingly stupid reasons. They are stupid. I need to get myself under control. I sometimes feel like I am spiraling downward.
I really just want to be me. I want to be who I was. I know that Lauren loved who I was when we began dating. Over time I began to say things to her, about other people, and do things that she didn't like. It seems so easy to fall out of love, and so hard to fall in love. But most of the time it is the other way around. It's very technical and touchy. It depends on a lot of factors. I just want to prove to myself more than anything that I can make the most of my potential. I want to be regarded as the cool, nice guy in class rather than the preppy stuck up dude.
I have made major steps to cut down on my commenting of other people and Lauren herself. I just cut it out... like cutting pop out of my diet. I also need to stop taking things for granted... and start saying thank you, and please, use greetings, etc... and lastly I need to learn how to gauge myself and other people. Meaning, learn what to say and when, when to stop saying things, choose my words correctly... think.
I know I am still that one person that can make Lauren's heart beat harder... the one person she dreams about at night. I am that person still. I just lost touch with him. I need to make a concession with myself.
Yesterday was a demonstration of who I DONT want to be. I have been saying all this stuff about changing myself and becoming someone positive. I have worked a considerable amount on some things but I have fallen off on some others. I have work to do, no doubt. I just want a chance. I think we know what that chance is. I want to be yours and I want to make you happy once again. I just need to figure this out, organize it correct it. I need to do something. I'm not feeding anyone a line here. I just don't know what else to do. I am at the end of my own rope. I am sick of myself. I don't want to frustrate, hurt, or disappoint anyone else. I just want to be Perry, and I want people to love me for who I am and not for who I think they want me to be.
I want to hear constructive criticism.
You know how going to college is supposed to be an experience of a lifetime... it is supposed to be the place that you discover your true self in a world of uncertainty. So I am supposed to answer the BIG questions in life... what is my job going to be, possibly who am I going to marry, who do I want to be...? These are questions that I will undoubtedly answer. But have I done these so far? I really need to get my shit together here... I am fighting a losing battle with almost everything. The only thing I am certain of is my degree and my orientation within the workplace. I know where I am heading with that. I just lack the understanding of who I really am, who I want to be around other people, and more importantly why I act and say the things I do.
In high school I had a moderate amount of friends, not too many and not too little. Enough to be busy all the time. I was active in just about everything Boy Scouts, Swimming, Baseball, High School clubs, Youth Group. I was kind and polite... Honestly I am an EAGLE SCOUT! The whole scout motto and law states that I should carry out the traits on a daily basis without thinking about it. It should be autonomous. Has it been for me? NO! Why is it? It's gray, ambiguous... I don't know how I have developed into a person with negativity and a sometimes demeaning personality. It's crazy to think about. I really believe I haven't become fake. Just because I wear clothes that make me stand out and I cop judgments and comments about people doesn't mean I have become an entirely negative judgmental asshole. Some people might say I am. In my opinion to actually reach that status would mean I would have to believe it. I really don't. I have no problem with anyone. I am actually a kind caring person. I have grown up in a world where kind and caring doesn't succeed, so I hide behind a facade of negativity to shelter myself from being hurt for being... nice. Is this who I want to be. Look at where this hiding has gotten me. I worked so hard to find myself a nice girl to spend my time with. I am a very selective person. I don't put myself out there for everyone. I felt like I found the perfect answer to the question... who am I going to marry?
When it all boils down and we take away the positives, the good times, the conversations, trips, smiles and laughs... There is what I have become. I have really become a stranger to myself. I am not who I want to be right now. I may not show my sometimes mean spirit to a waitress or an employee at Marshall Fields... but I may say something about them when they aren't around... like they are too slow... look at what they are wearing. Do I care? not really... what has happened is that I am so used to making those comments to get a rise out of other people that I just make them. It's out of sheer sarcasm that I say these things and I have become so good at sarcasm it seems true. Some people would say that this is just 'too bad' that its not a person they are interested in being around or dating. I would agree really. I probably would not want to be involved with myself either.
It seems that when I go to church I tend to revert back into the person I was in high school. The happy person who says Hi, Please, Thank you, May I, Your Welcome, How are you today... end with small talk. In some ways college has made me into a cold person devoid of interest in others feelings. I don't want to be that person. I see how it will be tough to manage a relationship or even a marriage, with children, if I carry on this mentality. So there is a change, again that I need to make. Maybe this is stress playing a role in how I act out on others. I tak it out on people for seemingly stupid reasons. They are stupid. I need to get myself under control. I sometimes feel like I am spiraling downward.
I really just want to be me. I want to be who I was. I know that Lauren loved who I was when we began dating. Over time I began to say things to her, about other people, and do things that she didn't like. It seems so easy to fall out of love, and so hard to fall in love. But most of the time it is the other way around. It's very technical and touchy. It depends on a lot of factors. I just want to prove to myself more than anything that I can make the most of my potential. I want to be regarded as the cool, nice guy in class rather than the preppy stuck up dude.
I have made major steps to cut down on my commenting of other people and Lauren herself. I just cut it out... like cutting pop out of my diet. I also need to stop taking things for granted... and start saying thank you, and please, use greetings, etc... and lastly I need to learn how to gauge myself and other people. Meaning, learn what to say and when, when to stop saying things, choose my words correctly... think.
I know I am still that one person that can make Lauren's heart beat harder... the one person she dreams about at night. I am that person still. I just lost touch with him. I need to make a concession with myself.
Yesterday was a demonstration of who I DONT want to be. I have been saying all this stuff about changing myself and becoming someone positive. I have worked a considerable amount on some things but I have fallen off on some others. I have work to do, no doubt. I just want a chance. I think we know what that chance is. I want to be yours and I want to make you happy once again. I just need to figure this out, organize it correct it. I need to do something. I'm not feeding anyone a line here. I just don't know what else to do. I am at the end of my own rope. I am sick of myself. I don't want to frustrate, hurt, or disappoint anyone else. I just want to be Perry, and I want people to love me for who I am and not for who I think they want me to be.
I want to hear constructive criticism.