(no subject)
School has started and its been a whirlwind and for a moment, I've forgotten about you. I mean, I haven't really, but I've tried. I am working on ignorance. It's worked so far: it's been a week. It's been a month. I am working on following the social queues, and doing what I am supposed to do. But I can't live in the black and white anymore, I am seeing the gray, and I hate it. I hate you for being in it. I hate that you are supporting it. I want to be somewhere, I want to see it clear cut: I want someone to make the decision for me. In a way, someone is, I have no say. I sit, and I wait, and I watch everyone make these decisions which affect me in a fierce way, and none of them are thinking about me. I wonder how selfish I am really being. I wonder how many people would be affected if I made similar decisions. I wonder how many wouldn't even care. I wonder how many would.
I wonder what I am supposed to do. I wonder.
I am sick of waiting. And wondering.
"But...do you feel like that because you really feel like that, or because that's what's in front of you?"
I wonder how long this question will take me to answer. Will my feelings of the past every really go away? Probably not, especially considering the way we left it all. But does that mean I am tied down, burdened, jaded? Maybe a little. Maybe a lot. Enough to change my decisions today. I am being cautious. I am being pessimistic. I don't believe I can get anywhere, and I don't know why, but I just feel like maybe this rut that I am in is supposed to be a pattern for a while. And I don't know, tomorrow everything could change and I could write this new post that talks about the million and one ways that I am happier than I am today. But for now, I am missing the point of tomorrow. In the sense that this is my life: get up, class/work, sleep. I have no time to breathe. Hell, my week is scheduled by the hour. It's like my life is speeding by and I don't have any time to live. I feel overwhemled.
Next week my hours lessen. My stress levels will lower, and I will be ready to go. I will be breathing at a normal pace, and my mood ring will turn back to blue.
Hope.
While I breathe, I hope.
While I hope, I breathe.
I wonder what I am supposed to do. I wonder.
I am sick of waiting. And wondering.
"But...do you feel like that because you really feel like that, or because that's what's in front of you?"
I wonder how long this question will take me to answer. Will my feelings of the past every really go away? Probably not, especially considering the way we left it all. But does that mean I am tied down, burdened, jaded? Maybe a little. Maybe a lot. Enough to change my decisions today. I am being cautious. I am being pessimistic. I don't believe I can get anywhere, and I don't know why, but I just feel like maybe this rut that I am in is supposed to be a pattern for a while. And I don't know, tomorrow everything could change and I could write this new post that talks about the million and one ways that I am happier than I am today. But for now, I am missing the point of tomorrow. In the sense that this is my life: get up, class/work, sleep. I have no time to breathe. Hell, my week is scheduled by the hour. It's like my life is speeding by and I don't have any time to live. I feel overwhemled.
Next week my hours lessen. My stress levels will lower, and I will be ready to go. I will be breathing at a normal pace, and my mood ring will turn back to blue.
Hope.
While I breathe, I hope.
While I hope, I breathe.