cuz both my shoulders are heavy...
good god i'm so bored. and people always say that if you're bored, you're boring. i feel like i am a lot of the time..like i go to class all the time and can just feel that the people around me are sitting there thinking that i'm some weird, boring person. like if i need a partner for something and i'm sitting right in front of someone, it's like they look around and around and decide with a grunt that they'll just have to work by themselves on the assignment/lab/whatever. i mean do i look unfriendly or pissed or just like a complete freakshow? i really really don't get it because i know that if nothing else, i'm the most polite person i can be around strangers...i hold doors, i smile at people i pass, i ask how people's days are going...i'm flippin stumped.
i have no friends up here, or if i do, they're not really here either physically or mentally and it's taking its toll on me when i find myself sitting on my ass every weekend night wondering what else other people are doing. senior year of high school i spent my days counting down the minutes until it was my turn to get the fuck out of marietta and go to uga to meet a new crowd of people. now i'm at uga and i dont' do anything. i get damn good grades, but i don't do anything and i really don't know which i'd prefer when i look back on this time period later. "college is the best 4 years of your life." if these are the best 4 years of my life, good god i'm gonna have to cut it short now bc the rest are going to be one hell of a nightmare
i dont' know what the hell i'm gonna do when hal moves to colorado or when my brother moves wherever the hell he's gonna move next. my family is my social life right now and while that's okay with me, but it's only temporary. your mom can only be your friend to such an extent.
I also realized today that i've never been on a real date...uhm ever. every little semi-romantic whatever thing i get myself into is with some psychotic kid being crazy about me for absolutely stupid reasons and beyond that, there were the hookups every now and then, which obviously are not meant to hold any feeling whatsoever. i guess it's just another thing for me to want to change. not like it matters bc if some kid ever comes along, there's a good chance i'll get too into it bc it's been so long and he'll get the hell out. not that i'd blame him. the stupid part of this little tidbit is that i'm majoring in how to do this and i know what you're supposed to do and what behavior is most common to work like having good self-esteem and blah blah blah, but i just can't do it. no one is ever gonna believe me if i'm counseling them on how to fix things they're doing wrong if i can't even get the whole damn thing straight.
the worst part about this is that i know that there are things i could be doing to change what's going on, but i just feel so helpless to figure out how. i'm not the extraverted personality without a drink in me and that makes me feel even worse. i don't know if i can be funny or friendly or tell good stories without having beer or liquor running through my veins to help me along with losing my inhibitions. and that is a pretty big damn problem when you've decided to pretty much give those substances up.
i did my makeup about 5 different times tonight knowing full and well that i wasn't going anywhere. ho-ly hell. i'm in a rut and it's the most frustrating thing ever when you pass about 3,000 people a day on the streets. i don't want to do nothing anymore. get me out of this emo-ness.
Myspace comments:
Patty: a) i know the feeling. i kind of feel like a leper walking around ksu because NOBODY seems receptive to me at all. i try to be nice, but no one really feels like being nice back. it makes me wonder if i have something on my face, or if i'm wearing a hairstyle that nobody informed me went out a year ago, or something silly like that. i have never worried so much about the way i look in my LIFE before college. ugh.
b) i have ONE friend that didn't leave me for college, and even though we work together, it's hard to coordinate our schedules because i have mine and she works AND goes to school full time, so her free time is extremely limited and often conflicts with mine, especially now since i have to go to sleep so goddamn early. hint: don't get mono, and don't wear yourself out to the point of getting mono. anyway, the point of this.. point... is that this is not how i imagined my first year of college at all. i thought my life would be changed completely, but it's actually exactly the same as it has been, just a move of school. not one new friend to speak of; just trying desperately to hang on to the ones i do have. i know there are nice/fun/cool people walking around at my school, it's just hard to find them. and i'm sure the same is true at uga.
c) i'm a little bit (read: a lot) envious of your relationship with your siblings. i don't know if you know anything about mine, but my brother basically acts as a third parent in my life. i can't confide in him anything that i don't want my parents knowing about. as he told me yesterday, "he doesn't like keeping secrets from our parents and i shouldn't ask him to." all i asked him was to not tell my parents that i failed my first math test, geez. you'd think i asked him not to tell that i got preggers or something. but um, yeah. don't take that for granted, it's a sacred thing and not something everybody has.
d) dates are overrated. i promise. stick with hookups. a lot less messy. (also: don't ever take romantic advice from me. i am the most emotionally retarded person i know.)
e) substances are also overrated. i'm sure you know this, since you've just about given them up. i have a friend who whenever i start talking about a problem with something or someone, she asks me to name 5 undeniably positive things about it/them that i can't get anywhere else. if i can't, it's not worth it. i think you're pretty interesting without alcohol, for what it's worth.
f) i do that all the time!!! if i know i'm spending the night in, i just fuck around with my makeup and have a blast doing it. maybe you're not having as much fun as i am when i do it, but it's not such a bad thing just spending time by yourself. in fact, i didn't do it for 3 or 4 months and i kind of drove myself crazy/sick because of it.
wow. this is long. and very self-centered. apologies. at least you know i read your shit. :) i wish you a speedy departure from this "rut" of yours.
My response: haha well it's always comforting to know that i'm not writing to absolutely no one, because i think that'd probably just reinforce the whole sadness of this whole entry.
a) i've had mono, my friend. i had it freshman year of high school and went to school every single day even though people said i looked like a dead fish with the most swollen eyes they'd ever seen...i was one of those over-achieving kids i guess
b) believe me, i don't ever take my family for granted and i'm all too aware of how everyone's family is around me...it's always really weird to meet someone else's family because everyone always seems so stiff...so i do apologize for your familial situation..as soon as i learn more about family development, i'll shoot tips your way ha
c) thanks for all you had to say about this stuff...i'm sure we'll both find our niche around here at some point. or at least we'll both grab a little false hope to make it through it? haha we'll see...
Aly: A, B, and C~ I felt the same way graduating... I had four real friends and a hell of a past. College was drama, heartache, and some good ass times as well. You gotta take it for what it is, and let the rest go... life's too short. Fuck the people who pass you by... their loss. You're beautiful, smart, sexy, funny (WITHOUT ALCOHOL), and interestingly different. It makes you special- not weird. I think writing this to you just cured me of my own gloomy mood- ha- nice. Anyways... it's not the 4 best years of your life, it's just the 4 years that you have the most freedom and the least responsibility. I wouldn't worry, cause you've been patient- and something's going to come to YOU. You won't have to go find it, and you won't have to change who you are to make it work perfectly. Someone will walk into YOUR world and flip it upside down... and before you know it you'll be scared as shit cause you'll have someone you love staring you in the eyes... and you'll find yourself in an even bigger predicament--- this person has the ability to destroy your world and there's nothing you can do about it. (Trust me- this is my story ha) Maybe it will work out, and maybe it won't... but either way, you'll grow and learn from it- and you'll be a better you for whatever is next to come.