=/
So my bday came and went. A lot of fun, but I'm really not in the mood to talk about it. I'm so upset. I really feel like I ruined something very important to my life. Its weird bc this has happened numerous times before but it always went back. I just wish it could go back, I could go back, change things... Now I don't know what to do. I wish I could have the companionship that I want but I can't, so do I allow myself to be open to those interested in me? I haven't been able to yet. And I don't want to. I hate him so much for lying, he knows he did too. Someone doesn't randomly have a breakdown conveniently after telling a huge lie. It was his guilt, I hope he drowns in his credit card debt. I'm really trying to be strong but I honestly feel myself slipping someplace very dark. I feel like my masks are back. I used to have them especially in HS and now I feel it again. That fake smile syndrome, where all I wanna do is cry but for fear of seeming vulnerable I can't/don't allow it. I constantly want to call and text but I know that'll only make it worse. They say time heals, but I can't take this pain much longer. I want it back. I believe the feeling is mutual, but I realize that its only at particular moments. I'm not good enough all the time, just sometimes. Its kind of ridiculous too bc I wasn't really properly appreciated, constantly dropped and picked back up, never worthy of attn. But yet I long for something...are my longings real? Or am I missing something that never existed? How did I let myself get so wrapped up in it? Why are some days harder? Can it be fixed? Will it be fixed? When if ever will I get my chance to make it right? I lied. I lied to my loves face. I lied and now everything has been washed away revealing me in ruins. Is this what is coming to me? The nice person everyone sees really is just the mask. Maybe I didn't leave it in HS, maybe I've been wearing it all along and became accustomed to it and never realized who I am. A liar. A cheater. A fraud. Last time this happened more attn was coming my way, so this last time I warned of the mixed signals and now I get no signals...and it hurts. Please let me make it right. Please allow me to follow my path to my desired ending. Please