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[peachynpink]

i feel like babbleing....i seem to have reservations when it comes to everything in my life, la school acting love...there is always a pause when i have to stop and ask "is this what i really want?" and usually the answer is yes merely because it is eaiser to go with the flow instead of abrupting the path that has beeen so graciously laid out for me. ive had fun on my trip, logan was surprisinngly wonderful and pleasant, im beginning to learn more and more about him as a person which is a relief because i was beginning to think that all he consisted of was his wild persona and knack for getting what he wants. my dad has been wonderful about this apartment thing, it got a little tiring after covering the same thirty blocks for five days...and inevitably we found "the one" on the last day, the very last pace we looked. but it is perfect and iam so pleased....two bedroom two bath in marina del ray, two pools, ocean view, fitness center, roof access for garden parties, and it is beautiful! iam still beaming! ohh and the best part....i live on fiji way, how cuter do you get then that? dad flew out last night and i stayed with ryan...not quite sure how i feel about that yet considering im still at his apartment but without a doubt you will be hearing about it momentarily. and tonight i get to see my sarah which will be wonderful, ive missed her so much! cant wait to see what laguna is like, hahaha and watch the OC while being in the OC lol i dont miss home at all, i guess because without all the people i care about there it really isnt much to me anymore. ofcourse there is my family an the few friends that stayed that i miss so much, but for the most part it just feels like its lacking so much. lately ive been thinking about writing danielle an email, not a clue why that thought came to mind i just feel like i want to talk...tell her about my life, rekindle some sort of faith and trust in her again. its strange because i swear to myself over and over that i refuse to be walked all over and to allow negative people into my life that will only bring me down, but honestly i feel like God wants me to make ends meet...maybe she needs a friend, although im quite sure im not the first one that pops in her mind anymore, but it just feels like the right thing to do. im tired of holding grudges and having all this anger built up inside of me.....i just want to let go of it, all the shit that has happened. there is only so much one person can take i know, but living your life in vengence is no way to live at all. and im tired of pushing people out of my life even if they did deserve it, even if they did screw up and did lie to me and say unspeakable things....i just want to forgive. it seems out of human nature for people to do that for one another. and i wouldnt even know where to begin...i guess ive started with ryan...i swore that i didnt even want to see him, and i honestly didnt! but then i got here and remembered how much he makes me smile, despite how much he makes me frown...and i forgot that he hooked up with my best friend and that over and over he has bruised my heart, and since ive been here i havent whispered a word about any of it. then again maybe that isnt so heathy either, but even if i did rant and rave and yell like so many of my instincts are telling me to what would that fix? whats done is done and im sick of being sad about it. so lately i have heard everyone surrounding me saying that they want new friends and want to meet new people...and im curious how thats working out for them? i cant decide for myself if i really want to enter that relm all over again, set myself up for dissapointments and sacrifices and opportunites to be stabbed in the back, but i have a while longer until i have to make that decision. im sure no one will read this and i can honestly say i wouldnt blame you...its all blah blah blah
ohhh but i did go to justin timberlake's house....haha thats exciting news! i hardly even recognized him it was so weird, but he called me sweetheart and im pretty sure i started blushing, which is adorbale in its own little innocent sill little girl way. ok im done with the babble. buh byes