At least I'm not Heather Kline.
We took first at the competiton last night. Yay us! Woooo.
That's really not what this post is about though.
The way I'm feeling isn't a way that I have ever felt before. I can't form sentences and make them say what I want them to say. For the first time, I can't put down in writing the way I'm feeling, let alone talk about it. I'm confused, and not only that, I'm hurt. Hurt by the whole situation and what it is doing to me. And I may be selfish, but I deserve this. I don't know what I said, or what I did to make this happen. The only thing I'm sure of, is that it's going to happen again. I can't ever remember being as mad as I was last night. It was just a realization of everything that is going on, and everything that I thought I had left behind when I graduated. I was more mad and hurt last night, then when Josh left us at Steak and Shake. Because let's face it, in reality, you did the same thing to me last night that he did..except I had a car and a way to get home.
It's just I thought we were past this. With everything that has happened, and everything that we have been through. All the talks, all the trust issues. We were finally okay, and making this work... and then I had to be content.. and of course in me doing that, it does a complete 180 in a matter of 15 minutes in which I think I said "Mother fucker" for the first time in my life. And it's not just that I said it, or that I said any of the other things.. It's that I meant it. and i DO mean it. Everything I said last night, I meant. And at some point, you're going ot have to decide what you really want... because I can't be shown and opportunity and act on it, just to be told that I can't have it. Relationships do not work that way..
I'm so thankful for both Becky and Kathrin. Without the two of them, i don't know where I would be.
Yeah, I'm sure we'll work this out, we always do and always have, why change now?