gawd fricken a
first off and foremost, yes, my great-grandmother did pass away and it's taken me a while to actually update on what's going on. ben came home for the funeral and it was nice because i not only got to see him, but my cousins too. i never get to see them. i'm kinda in a sad/mopie/eh bit of a mood. emily left for florida last week, her little bed-buddy Dustin wants to kick my ass/kill me, and eric, dustin's friend, talks mad shit about me, but wants to hang out with me. he pisses me off. they both do. and i kinda miss emily, but before, i was so glad and could wait for her to leave. i feel bad saying that, but it's true because she would leech on and not leave. i had to hear about all of her problems and mine were insignificant. but now, that she's gone and all my other friend's are at school, i am again anti-social and lonely. i talk to ben everyday online and 2-waying, and laura the same, but it doesn't feel right. i feel like i'm disconnected from everyone. i can't wait to be able to go off to school and i'm praying to God that I get accepted into state. i need to. i need to get out of st. joe. it's depressing and i truly think that if i don't leave here, my bi-polarism will probably get worse. and part of me wants to get as far away from my mom as possible, but then the other part feels i can't because she needs me. she needs me to be her little "dr. Laura". i can't stand it sometimes. i like helping people, but it's getting excessive. VERY excessive. i hate hearing about dustin from emily, i hate talking to eric and i hate hearing about my mother's dating life. ARGH!! and then there's another problem, but i'm not going to talk about it. not worth it. i need friends. i need my social life back. i need to just get accepted to state, go to lmc for the time being, move into my dorm in the fall and have an awesome, badass college life. i miss partying, socializing, going out with friends, feeling important. i miss high school. not the drama and lies. i just miss the friends. the atmosphere. the fun. does that make any sense? damn hope it does..