mixed feelings
This should be a time when my eyes aren't dry, i'm spending tons of time with the ones i might never see again, and remembering the wonderful memories i've had over the years. Instead, i'm on the computer, wondering why the heck i'm not crying, and trying to think of anything worth while to remember. I don't know why, but graduation just doesn't seem to phase me, maybe it hasn't hit me, or maybe i'm just a cold person, but it doesn't really matter to me. I walk across a stage, shake a few administrator's hands who don't even know my name let alone care, get my picture taken and listen to speeches (go Jackie!). I really do feel bad about the matter, that i can't feel anything about this. In all honesty, i am more depressed about not having memories and people to miss than missing people. I mean, i'll see all the ones i really care about over the summer (hopefully) and about 3/4 of them are all going to the same college as me, so why cry about it? I'm a pretty shy person, as most of you know. I don't really have many memories to look back on, or many friends that i will truly miss. It all seems so superficial to me at this point. As I look back on my grade school career, i will miss those that are lost to me now, but i can't go up to them and say "I'll miss you" because i never have been that good at keeping touch. It seems that in my very last year, i have become more lonely than i ever was all twelve years before it. Everything's moving too fast. I know, i know, i shouldn't be saying such depressing things right before graduation, and i'm sorry for saying them, I guess i'm just trying to come to an understanding and am trying to figure out why i feel this way. I suppose the real question that has been plagueing me is: will i even be missed when i'm gone from this place? in all honesty, who can say that they will honestly miss me? miss my quiet self huddled in the background listening but too afraid to talk. I hate how my shy persona is the downfall of me. Anyways, instead of talking about me for another paragraph i guess i would like to thank everyone who was there for me (even if it was only a few this year). Thank you so much for supporting me, standing up for me, and being truly good friends, i will miss you guys, the ones that care (you know who you are). I hope that whatever you do, wherever you do it, it's stupendous and wonderful and your lives are enriched with greatness, and are whole. Thank you for the memories, i really appreciate the ones that you have given me. There, maybe i do feel a little bad about leaving...i guess that's a good thing? kinda weird how this entry has morphed...it's like a freaking multivariety show, ah, thus is life...that would be cool if it turned into a cool musical with special effects *flashing lights* *cue overture* *bring in Gene Kelly* ahh, i got nuttin. Gee golly wiz, i am one random kid. Anyhow, i wish everyone well, and congratulations to my fellow graduating class (even though i barely know half of you).
<3,
Alex