ok, i guess you guys can read this....
i'm back from the leader retreat, and i decided that i would really like to share my talk with you. so, here it is....
Kairos Love and Friendship: Carrying Our Friendships Beyond Fenwick
“I fall asleep with my friends around me; only place I know, I feel safe, I’m gonna call this home.” These few lines from “The World You Love” by Jimmy Eat World express just how we’ve come to feel about our friends over the four short years that we’ve spent at Fenwick. The friendships that we’ve formed, continued, and even rediscovered have become some of the most important relationships in our lives. The part of our world that we share with our friends is truly the world we’ve come to know and love. So, what’s gonna happen next fall when we all leave that world for something totally new??
Well, for one thing, these beautiful friendships are going to change, no matter how much we don’t want them to. I remember freshman year, I was the only person ever from my grade school to go to Fenwick. I was so afraid of losing touch with my friends that I almost decided to go somewhere else. I mean, these were the people that I cared about the most, the people that I’d grown with since kindergarten, the people that I trusted and loved. I couldn’t just leave them all behind, right?! A few months ago, one of my good friends was thinking the same things about his friends from high school. He said that even though college is going to be the most amazing time ever, he would rather say “fuck school” if it runs the risk of losing contact with any of his friends. They are the people he loves the most. After reading this, I told him something that I’d learned since grade school, and that is that you never really lose your friends, no matter how much it might sometimes feel like it. It’s inevitable that as we go off to new places we are going to meet new people and form new friendships. As these new friendships grow, they may take precedence over some of our other friendships. However, even if you do drift apart, it’s ok. People change. Relationships change. It’s just a part of life. As we grow and branch out into the world, we need to let our friendships do the same. We can’t stay in the same place forever. If we try to hold down a changing relationship, then it becomes co-dependent, a relationship based on need. I once read that immature love says, “I love you because I need you.” Mature love says, “I need you because I love you.” Immature love says that I only love you because you can give me something, because I depend on you to give me something I’m missing. Mature love says that I love you because I simply want to be with you. I take joy from just being in your company. Well, if this is true (which i think it is), then I experienced immature love when my ex-boyfriend and I were still together. When we started going out, I was a junior, and he was a senior. We decided to stay together, even though he was going away to college. Things were going fine until the first time he came back for fall break in October. He would say things about how he wanted to get with other girls, even though he also said he loved me. He said he was joking, but it really didn’t seem like it, and it kinda bothered me. However, I just brushed it off as nothing. Well, at the end of this weeklong break, we “broke up”. I’m still not exactly sure of the reason because he seemed unsure of it himself, but it was apparently over, nonetheless. He went back to school the next morning without any idea that, at the same time, I was sitting on my bathroom floor crying harder than I think I ever have in my life. For some reason, when I had regained composure, I called him. I had no intention of saying, “let’s get back together,” but I think a small part of me really wanted him to. And he did. He said he made a mistake. So, it wasn’t over. And it actually was great until the next time he came back for Christmas. Things were fine all break, and then the last day he ended it, again. The reason this time was the age difference. According to him, there were times when I just seemed a lot younger than him. According to him, I was immature for telling people that I love them. According to him, I let my parents run my life, and that’s why I’m going to school in Chicago instead of a different state. Also, he’s not sure if he wants a girlfriend. So, it was apparently over, again. He went back to school the next day, but this time, I didn’t cry as hard. I didn’t call him. I was sad, of course, but I was like, “No. I’m not going to let this ruin my senior year.” So, I went to play practice, and went to the movies with four of my amazing friends afterwards. This time, he called me. He didn’t want it to be over. He said he made a mistake. I told him I’d talk to him later. I had a lot to think about. I sent him a message later on saying that, before he tells me we should stay together, he needs to figure out if that’s what he really wants because he already broke up with me twice and changed his mind the next day. I guess he took that as “you need to figure out if you love me” because he sent me a really angry, really confusing email about how he doesn’t love me and isn’t sure if he ever will, but doesn’t want to lose me because I’m perfect for him. At first, I was really upset. I mean, how could he tell me he loved me before if he didn’t really mean it?? How could I be perfect for him if he didn’t love me?? How could he tell me he loved me if he still wanted to get with other girls?? What the hell was this kid thinking?! After talking it out with my mom and two good friends, I figured it out. It was a relationship based on need. He knew it wasn’t really love, but he was comfortable. He was afraid of all the changes that come along with going to a new place, and I provided the security and familiarity he needed. He was trying to hold on to a relationship that wasn’t about growing together, but rather about staying safe and secure and the same.
Fear of the unknown is natural, but you shouldn’t let it dictate your life and the relationships in it. As scared as you might be of losing your friends, you have to learn to let go. It’s ok because you’re friends will always be a part of you in some way. Every single person that walks in and sometimes out of your life leaves something behind, whether you realize it or not. The people you call your friends, the people you care about more than anything, will leave the most. Even if the friendship ends up fading away, you’ll always have the memories, a little piece of they’re heart that they left when they took part of yours, and no one can ever take that away from you.
Some friends, however, will remain more than just a few good memories. I have two amazing friends from grade school that I’m still good friends with now. One, I’ve known since kindergarten, and the other I’ve known since fifth grade. None of us went to the same high school, and there are sometimes long periods of time where we just don’t see each other or don’t talk. However, we all know that once we reconnect, it’s as though we can just pick up from where we left off. This is because, during those months that we don’t talk, we’re giving each other room to grow as individuals. When we finally do get the urge to revisit the friendship, we can bring each other up to date, and then grow as friends. This process is necessary for carrying friendships into the future. Since all three of us have gone through some totally different situations during these past few years, we need that room to grow so that we can learn to deal with our fears and insecurities and be ok with the changes in our lives. However, we also know that we value each other and want to keep the friendship going. So, we keep each other up to date, and we are always there for each other. We keep the friendship current instead of stifling it and trying to keep it in the past. By doing this we grow, not only as individuals, but together, as friends.
You also shouldn’t let the fear of losing your old friends stop you from making new ones. Don’t only focus on past relationships. Be open to new people. Investigate love; don’t wait for it to find you. Reach out in the darkness, and you will find a friend. However, in order to make new friends and love your old ones, you first need to love yourself. I have a friend who is probably one of the sweetest, most caring, most generous people I know, but is not seen that way by very many others. To most people she is seen as weird and anti-social, and she really only has about four true friends. She has such a hard time making friends because she also doesn’t see herself as sweet, caring, or generous. At the closing of the spring musical, she said that she didn’t know how she was going to survive when two of her closest friends went away to college. She said that she looked up to them so much, that they had so much confidence, and that she didn’t think that she could ever believe in herself as much as they believed in her. Because she doesn’t accept herself, she has a very hard time believing that others will accept her. She has only been able to open herself up to a few people. This is the reason why she has so few truly loving, trusting relationships.
I have another very good friend who, while he loves himself, still has a hard time trusting people. He has been hurt before by people that he cares about, and is often unsure of whether he should trust anyone. However, true friendship and love is based on trust, and while you should be careful, you can’t just totally shut others out. If you do, how will you ever get to know the people you can trust? Along with this trust comes forgiveness. In order to trust people after we’ve been hurt, we need to learn how to forgive old wounds. Now, saying, “I forgive you,” doesn’t mean, “what you did was ok.” It simply means, “I am not willing to carry the pain and the anger and the hurt with me anymore, and I’m letting it go.” Forgiving also doesn’t mean forgetting. Some things we may never forget, but we shouldn’t be bitter about them. Instead, we should learn what we can, and move on, a little stronger and a little wiser. For example, I was hurt and angry with my ex-boyfriend for a while after we broke up about a few different things that are neither here nor there. But by now, I’ve been able to forgive him, learn most of what I’m talking about right now, and actually work on healing the friendship that’s left.
One of the reasons I was so upset with the breakup was because there was so much of a focus on just us. For the longest time, it was just me and him. When we ended it, I realized just how much I had neglected my friends during that year. When you have a significant other, ideally they should be your best, or at least one of your best, friends. However, that doesn’t mean that you should let them outshine all of your other friends. Different parts of your personality gravitate towards different people. It is this variety of friends that keeps our lives vibrant and interesting. If we just stick with one person all the time, even if they are our boyfriend or girlfriend, we stagnate, and this is when the relationship becomes co-dependent.
It is also important to have various different friends because, at some point, these friends may very well become our second family. Last year, a friend from my dance studio’s grandma died of cancer. Now, I’m sure this has happened to many of us, but for her it was different. She had lived with her grandma ever since she was a baby, when her parents gave her up. At that point, she had no one to go to. She couldn’t go back to her mom (who was found unfit to take care of her), and her dad would take her in. Our class soon found out that she was staying with her aunt and uncle in Plainfield. She now lives with her cousins in Riverside. The same week that we found out about her grandma’s death, our class found out that her “friends” from school wrote he an eight page letter about why they hated her. Only one girl, Kristen, had talked to her since her grandma died. She told us that our friend was really hurt and upset about everything that was going on. None of us knew what to do when she came back to class. We didn’t know what to say to her, or how she would react to certain things. The week before she came back to class, some girls asked what we should do when she got there. We decided that, out of respect for her, in case she didn’t want to talk about it, we would just treat her as we normally would. She seemed fine that night. She didn’t talk about her grandma, and she simply said that she had other, better friends than the ones that wrote her the note. We were all pretty surprised that she was taking it so well. However, we started to think that, maybe, she was trying to hide her suffering or block it out. Kristen talked to her again and said that she was still pretty upset. The next week, before she arrived at class, our class all talked about what we were going to do to get her to open up to us. We decided that it would be best if we all just let her know that we care about her, and that we’d be there for her if she needed anything. Our friend, Rebeca, said that we should write her an eight page note about why we love her. We didn’t have quite enough time to do that, so when she got there, we each told her the main reason why we love her. The next week, she told us that she could no longer take dance classes because she couldn’t afford it. Even though she doesn’t take classes anymore, most of us still talk to her. She even comes back to visit, sometimes. At first, no one knew how to handle our friend’s situation. We didn’t know what to say to her or how to act around her. We had all known her and her grandma for so long that no one ever thought they would have to deal with something like this. We soon realized, however, that the best way to deal with the situation was to just be her friend. At that point, it seemed like she had no one left in the world. Her grandma was gone, her friends abandoned her, and the rest of her family didn’t want her. She needed to know that there were still people out there who loved her, and that was us. During that time in her life, we were the only loving family that our friend had. At that point, we all learned that a true friend can make all the difference in someone’s life.
It is with these true friends that we really feel at home. Once we go to college, we won’t see our family as much, and we will turn more so to our friends. Not only will they be the people we go to class with, go out with on the weekends, and go to for support, but for most of us, they will also be the people we live with. There is a scene in the movie Garden State where the two main characters, played by Zack Braff and Natalie Portmann, are talking about the idea of home, and Zack Braff’s character says, “You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone…. You’ll see once you go to college. Just sorta happens one day, and it’s gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. It’s like this rite of passage, or something, and you won’t ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, for your kids, for the family you start. It’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know. But I miss the idea of it. Maybe that’s all a family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.”
In a way, I think Zack Braff’s character is right. Maybe “at home” really is just an idea that we create for ourselves with the people we love. As Jimmy Eat World says in “The World You Love”, “I fall asleep with my friends around me; only place I know, I feel safe. I’m gonna call this home.” As we head out for the future, and begin our search for that “imaginary place”, that idea of home, we embrace it when we’re with our friends, past and present, new and old.