I'm just pissed off.
I was having an ok day then of course, I go home and am met with my mother's bitchiness. Anytime I try to speak with her about my mental health issues, she acts like a cold bitch. I really don't like using that word, but I don't know how else to describe her. She doesn't say anything that's rude, but her facial expressions say it all. She's so unconcerned and when I told her that her reaction is why I never talk to her about it she claims that it's my fault! That I believe she's uninterested so I react to her that way. Every night of my life I've heard her call my grandmother crazy and say she can't deal with people who have issues, etc. and she wonders why I don't want to talk to her about it.
I'm trying to make myself feel better without using self destructive tactics, but it's not helping. I'd fucking shoot myself if I had the opportunity. I'm thinking about crashing my car. I have no fucking one to talk about this and I have no pleasure in life besides a tv-show that came out damn near 40 years ago, before I was ever thought of, and a newer version of the tv-show that isn't half as good as the original sans the character Fallon.
I'm trying to think of all the good things in my life like my degree, my possible career future, but that's shit because I don't even want my fucking career. I don't care about anything concerning it and quite frankly if it were possible for me to just exist without doing anything, I would. If I didn't have to eat, sleep, shit, entertain myself, I wouldn't. That's the only good alternative for me besides suicide. I can't commit suicide because other people are counting on me to help them. No one fucking helps me.