(no subject)
i'm at work early, thinking about life, are you surprised?
i'm thinking about the difference between the life i live and the life i say i'm going to and wondering which is more the real me?
i pride myself in being flexible, i remember thinking this was the one good thing that came out of catholic high school, i am able to be in a situation that ultimately makes me miserable, but i'll deal, i'll get thro it, you know, i'm tough... :)
i suppose this goes straight along with my mantra, "what ever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger"
i've told myself this is all making me stronger for quite some time, but sadly, it's not getting me closer to being the person i want to be.
i'm strong cause i can live in a house that's a mess most the time? no, i just lack self preservation? not exactly the right word, i lack the ability to make my life better purely for selfish reasons,
i lack the self esteem to ask for something better, to demand something better,
and the power to ask for these things, or to make them happen is in my hands, and maybe because i know i ultimately have that power, it doesn't bother me so much to not get what i want.
hmmm.
but at some point, even tho i tell myself that these things will change "when i grow up". i wonder why i wait. and if i'm not able to make them happen now, what makes me think i'll be able to in two years,
i have my lists of plans,
i'm not completely down on myself, but i'm just starting to contemplate the idea that the reason i'm not down on myself is because i have very strong mental blocks to the idea that this, what i am living, is my life, and it's not going to change much from this.
and it ain't bad, when i run into people i haven't seen in years at a kareoke bar, and they ask me what i've been up to, i have plenty to say, and yes, my life does seem quite good.
i'm thinking about the difference between the life i live and the life i say i'm going to and wondering which is more the real me?
i pride myself in being flexible, i remember thinking this was the one good thing that came out of catholic high school, i am able to be in a situation that ultimately makes me miserable, but i'll deal, i'll get thro it, you know, i'm tough... :)
i suppose this goes straight along with my mantra, "what ever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger"
i've told myself this is all making me stronger for quite some time, but sadly, it's not getting me closer to being the person i want to be.
i'm strong cause i can live in a house that's a mess most the time? no, i just lack self preservation? not exactly the right word, i lack the ability to make my life better purely for selfish reasons,
i lack the self esteem to ask for something better, to demand something better,
and the power to ask for these things, or to make them happen is in my hands, and maybe because i know i ultimately have that power, it doesn't bother me so much to not get what i want.
hmmm.
but at some point, even tho i tell myself that these things will change "when i grow up". i wonder why i wait. and if i'm not able to make them happen now, what makes me think i'll be able to in two years,
i have my lists of plans,
i'm not completely down on myself, but i'm just starting to contemplate the idea that the reason i'm not down on myself is because i have very strong mental blocks to the idea that this, what i am living, is my life, and it's not going to change much from this.
and it ain't bad, when i run into people i haven't seen in years at a kareoke bar, and they ask me what i've been up to, i have plenty to say, and yes, my life does seem quite good.