TWs
I have been working hard on myself and relapsing and lying and getting sober again. I know this is a difficult process, to watch people have "revelations" and "breakthroughs" over and over again while they blackout their memories and get to move forward, so please skip if this is not the right time in your life to support me. I am not feeling needy at this moment. I am trying to be as true as I can without sucking on others for validation.
Without secretiveness or any lies, I have gotten a tiny bit further than I ever have, had a huge flood of repressed memories over the week, experienced extreme emotional tumult.
I will probably lie again and I've probably said these words before. My black holes worried me so today I sorted through some 'mental laundry,' told/did a few things with the least amount of lies than ever before in current memory.
I have many deleted accounts and left TQC/anon for so long because of how I used to get stoned and blab there for hours and hours and hours. In any case, this is what I wrote--it might sound contrived/useless/untrue to some, but this is the furthest I've ever gotten towards health in CURRENT chronology (i.e. prior to old blackouts, meaning most recent period of sobriety). I can call myself a drug addict and I can call myself a rape victim. I have lied to you many times for various reasons. You don't need to believe any of this, but it is true when I say I came down from using Zanaflex to blank out every night, had an extreme manic period that I enjoyed, but came out of it with less guilt and more empathy. I had a sober moment--not manic or depressed--where I felt very clearly that I wanted change. I did as much work as possible, with good nervous energy, constantly self-checking without lapsing into OCD.
I don't remember SO MUCH of the past year and I believe my paranoia (once in a blue moon) comes from having repeated this cycle of recovery/relapse so many times.
This is what I wrote immediately after it happened:
---------Called RAINN for 2nd time in current memory (meaning current chronology or memory). Did not feel acquiesced, increased paranoia, felt I'd spoken to her before.
My mother just talked me down from my first dissociative/depersonalizing experience that I have been able to identify, had my first panic attack I was able to identify. I have been cycling through Zanaflex withdrawal, Xanax withdrawal, mania, hypomania, comedown, drug-free ecstasy, growing dread, constant self-checks--lots of work done in one day. I did about one-two days 99% sober where I took 1/4 bar or less of Xanax--I feel more in-control post-rape which was my goal.
Was having repressed memory/borderline psychosis/OCD/racing thought/self-doubt/paranoia. Was feeling I had multiple identities, dissociated all day, then had unnameable anxiety, fleeting feelings of loss, and vague sensations of déjà vu and revelations both true and false, acid flashback feelings. Diagnostic naming is different from self-naming with conviction yet humbleness.
Not fully "here" but can go to sleep. No need to decide if I made progress. No need to bother anyone else tonight, they're living their lives.
Took 1/8 bar of Xanax to calm down--this is true. I DID THIS WITH MORE CONTROL THAN I EVER HAVE, WITH LESS DRUGS THAN I EVER HAVE, ALLOWED MYSELF TO EXPERIENCE WHAT I ENVIED OF OTHERS. WILL TRY TO STAY HUMBLE AND SELF-AWARE, SIMPLY EMPOWERED. I KNOW THAT OTHERS HAVE SEEN ME GO THROUGH THIS BEFORE WHICH I DO NOT REMEMBER, AND THAT IS FRUSTRATING FOR YOU TO SEE ME REPEAT MYSELF, BUT THIS ONE IS FOR ME.
Originally published 8/24/2012. DO NOT EDIT. DO NOT DELETE.
There you have it. might be a false revelation/breakthrough, but it felt really fucking good. I'm ready to be more sober, I am ashamed because I did not go to therapy last time. My parents are coming to visit me and I will do my best to prepare them and give them vocabulary to help me.
Without secretiveness or any lies, I have gotten a tiny bit further than I ever have, had a huge flood of repressed memories over the week, experienced extreme emotional tumult.
I will probably lie again and I've probably said these words before. My black holes worried me so today I sorted through some 'mental laundry,' told/did a few things with the least amount of lies than ever before in current memory.
I have many deleted accounts and left TQC/anon for so long because of how I used to get stoned and blab there for hours and hours and hours. In any case, this is what I wrote--it might sound contrived/useless/untrue to some, but this is the furthest I've ever gotten towards health in CURRENT chronology (i.e. prior to old blackouts, meaning most recent period of sobriety). I can call myself a drug addict and I can call myself a rape victim. I have lied to you many times for various reasons. You don't need to believe any of this, but it is true when I say I came down from using Zanaflex to blank out every night, had an extreme manic period that I enjoyed, but came out of it with less guilt and more empathy. I had a sober moment--not manic or depressed--where I felt very clearly that I wanted change. I did as much work as possible, with good nervous energy, constantly self-checking without lapsing into OCD.
I don't remember SO MUCH of the past year and I believe my paranoia (once in a blue moon) comes from having repeated this cycle of recovery/relapse so many times.
This is what I wrote immediately after it happened:
---------Called RAINN for 2nd time in current memory (meaning current chronology or memory). Did not feel acquiesced, increased paranoia, felt I'd spoken to her before.
My mother just talked me down from my first dissociative/depersonalizing experience that I have been able to identify, had my first panic attack I was able to identify. I have been cycling through Zanaflex withdrawal, Xanax withdrawal, mania, hypomania, comedown, drug-free ecstasy, growing dread, constant self-checks--lots of work done in one day. I did about one-two days 99% sober where I took 1/4 bar or less of Xanax--I feel more in-control post-rape which was my goal.
Was having repressed memory/borderline psychosis/OCD/racing thought/self-doubt/paranoia. Was feeling I had multiple identities, dissociated all day, then had unnameable anxiety, fleeting feelings of loss, and vague sensations of déjà vu and revelations both true and false, acid flashback feelings. Diagnostic naming is different from self-naming with conviction yet humbleness.
Not fully "here" but can go to sleep. No need to decide if I made progress. No need to bother anyone else tonight, they're living their lives.
Took 1/8 bar of Xanax to calm down--this is true. I DID THIS WITH MORE CONTROL THAN I EVER HAVE, WITH LESS DRUGS THAN I EVER HAVE, ALLOWED MYSELF TO EXPERIENCE WHAT I ENVIED OF OTHERS. WILL TRY TO STAY HUMBLE AND SELF-AWARE, SIMPLY EMPOWERED. I KNOW THAT OTHERS HAVE SEEN ME GO THROUGH THIS BEFORE WHICH I DO NOT REMEMBER, AND THAT IS FRUSTRATING FOR YOU TO SEE ME REPEAT MYSELF, BUT THIS ONE IS FOR ME.
Originally published 8/24/2012. DO NOT EDIT. DO NOT DELETE.
There you have it. might be a false revelation/breakthrough, but it felt really fucking good. I'm ready to be more sober, I am ashamed because I did not go to therapy last time. My parents are coming to visit me and I will do my best to prepare them and give them vocabulary to help me.