Prepare Yourself...
Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. I mean, it started out well enough. First I had art (which I love), then spanish (and we watched the OC), then great civ (she let us go into English and watch the OC), then bio bump (tiring, but not that bad), and then advisory (to watch more OC). Then it was the end of the day and Annette and I went to Set Construction for a little until I had to to go to voice, which was okay. Then I went back to set to go with Corey to get my dinner, but she had already gone because she thought I didn't want to go with her. So, still not pissed, I walk over to Eddys and practice saying my lines. When I come back everything's fine for a while...we're all eating and talking and I feel really happy, but then suddenly it all goes south.
I don't know why Olivia has this effect on me, but sometimes I feel like when I see her I plunge into an icy river and drown in my struggle to escape. Something about seeing her, knowing she was going to be staying at RP for good, brought back all the memories of Olivia I'm left with. My feelings of being inadaquite, unsuccessful in both school/the future, how everybody likes her, etc. Well, yesterday it was too much for me to take. I started crying. A lot. Just when I thought I had gotten over it the mourning scene was up...when I walked back to my place I saw her and I just couldn't help myself. I sobbed hysterically. All night long my mind was filled with terrible thoughts...I really don't know what I'm going to do about her. I can't stand her...she does terrible things to my mind. She makes me want to give up everything I love because whenever I'm around her I feel like I suck in every aspect of my life.
I guess the only good thing that came from is it is I wrote two poems...they're not particulary good, but they're filled with my emotions.
Untouchable
Swallowed up in my bubble of rage.
Tears stream my face as I curse her name.
Why?
Why does she have so much while I have so little?
The whole world revolves around her-
I seperate myself.
Detached-I can't attack her with my rageful heart.
If only I could reach her I would tear her apart.
She would feel my pain.
Then perhaps I could be happy.
Instead, whever my eyes catch her frame- I break down and run.
This way only I get hurt, It's better this way
Some try to console my roaming eyes but nothing can appease me.
I will forever hide in her shadow or try in vain to make my own strides.
I will never be free.
Damn the demon. Damn the girl. Damn my emotions. Damn my bubble. Damn those who can't understand. Damn myself. Damn that day.
Damn it all.
When words can't do justice
shivers drown it all out.
When the tears well up in eyes
a clenched fist and jaw seem the only consolation.
Fuck the precious prized one-
without the coveted halo, merely a nighmare plaguing the hours spent awake.
A burden without compensation
emotions shurgged off for temporary whims
The source of it all is found in one source-
a hallowed eye, incapable of anything bereft of sorrow
Drawling all from one pair of eyes-
oh, the hate that can come from them
Then once I had gotten over the sadness/rage of Oliviaville I started feeling like I had to throw up. It was probably just a mix of all the hormones that were released during my hysterical fits and the fact that I haven't been sleeping much for the past 2 weeks or so. But then I started crying because I felt so bad...so it was good when I finally got to go home and collaspe in bed.
But now it's spring break...and I don't have to see her until Tuesday. And then after Wednesday I won't have to see her for much longer. Spring Break has hit me at possibly the best moment. I need this sleep and time away from Olivia for my sanity.
But some of you don't know about Olivia. As part of my quest to overcome this fear, I'm making myself go self-therapy...so I'm going to tell you all about this. It's going to be long and painful, but I think it's the first step. Eventually I want to explain this to Olivia, and her mother...because her mother needs to understand why I did what I did, and that it wasn't because I wanted to be mean, but because I was breaking down inside.
Ever since the summer between 6th and 7th grade Olivia and I had been best friends. We told each other everything, we were always together, and I would truly feel complete when she was around. If you asked me who my best friend was, I would say, "I have 3. Annette, Olivia, and Emily." Truly, I had one. Olivia. She understood every thing in my life, loved the things I loved, wanted what I wanted...we were so alike and consequently, we had so much fun together. We spend entire nights making cards for Broadway people, reading monologues in funny voices, playing pretend soap operas, dancing to Hairspray, belting out the classics, watching movies, and talking about everything and anything. Finally, I had that friendship people always talk about...you know, the kind where you can tell that person anything, a true soul mate friendwise.
I mean, we had our little fights, but they would be short-lived and over stupid things. We always got it together. The first time we had a big fight was when I went to see the Something Wicked cabaret and not only didn't tell her I was going, but lied about going. My mom had told me not to tell her that I was going, so when she asked me if I was going I panicked and I said no. Needless to say, when she saw the picture of me (and a bunch of other fnas) with Kristin, we realized that I lied. I deserved the anger that came from her and her mother, and we weren't friends for a while...2 weeks. After that we started making strides, but things didn't repair themselves totally for about 3 weeks. But...things were fine.
Now, throughout my friendship with Olivia I had had my boughts of jealousy. It's really hard not to though, so don't take that the wrong way. She's a fantastic singer, actress, everybody likes her, and she basically gets everything she wants (she's not spoiled though). I'd get mad for a day, but then at the end of that day I'd give her a big hug and make plans to see her that next day...I could deal with it. In hindsight, I probably should have told her about these times because as we grew older, they grew worse...but I still dealed with it because she was my friend.
Then, this September things...never recovered. We went to see Kristin at C. Hall and she got really pissed off becuase I got caught up with my "outside" friends and neglected her a bit. Ever since then things weren't the same, and so I decided to tell her how I felt...but I couldn't talk about the real reason why we couldn't be friends anymore...becuase everytime I saw her I started breaking down, getting jealous, hating her guts. I couldn't tell her that, so now her family/she thinks that I hate her and I'm a heartless bitch.
Why am I sharing this with you all? Because if you all want to be my friends you have to understand what makes me tick...or break down. You have to understand what used to be to understand what is now. Oh, and those who know Olivia, I want to tell her myself, so please, don't share this with her. Thanks.
Oh, and I have to say that Corey McAndrews has made all of this easier for me. Last night, today...you win at life...thank you for everything.
I don't know why Olivia has this effect on me, but sometimes I feel like when I see her I plunge into an icy river and drown in my struggle to escape. Something about seeing her, knowing she was going to be staying at RP for good, brought back all the memories of Olivia I'm left with. My feelings of being inadaquite, unsuccessful in both school/the future, how everybody likes her, etc. Well, yesterday it was too much for me to take. I started crying. A lot. Just when I thought I had gotten over it the mourning scene was up...when I walked back to my place I saw her and I just couldn't help myself. I sobbed hysterically. All night long my mind was filled with terrible thoughts...I really don't know what I'm going to do about her. I can't stand her...she does terrible things to my mind. She makes me want to give up everything I love because whenever I'm around her I feel like I suck in every aspect of my life.
I guess the only good thing that came from is it is I wrote two poems...they're not particulary good, but they're filled with my emotions.
Untouchable
Swallowed up in my bubble of rage.
Tears stream my face as I curse her name.
Why?
Why does she have so much while I have so little?
The whole world revolves around her-
I seperate myself.
Detached-I can't attack her with my rageful heart.
If only I could reach her I would tear her apart.
She would feel my pain.
Then perhaps I could be happy.
Instead, whever my eyes catch her frame- I break down and run.
This way only I get hurt, It's better this way
Some try to console my roaming eyes but nothing can appease me.
I will forever hide in her shadow or try in vain to make my own strides.
I will never be free.
Damn the demon. Damn the girl. Damn my emotions. Damn my bubble. Damn those who can't understand. Damn myself. Damn that day.
Damn it all.
When words can't do justice
shivers drown it all out.
When the tears well up in eyes
a clenched fist and jaw seem the only consolation.
Fuck the precious prized one-
without the coveted halo, merely a nighmare plaguing the hours spent awake.
A burden without compensation
emotions shurgged off for temporary whims
The source of it all is found in one source-
a hallowed eye, incapable of anything bereft of sorrow
Drawling all from one pair of eyes-
oh, the hate that can come from them
Then once I had gotten over the sadness/rage of Oliviaville I started feeling like I had to throw up. It was probably just a mix of all the hormones that were released during my hysterical fits and the fact that I haven't been sleeping much for the past 2 weeks or so. But then I started crying because I felt so bad...so it was good when I finally got to go home and collaspe in bed.
But now it's spring break...and I don't have to see her until Tuesday. And then after Wednesday I won't have to see her for much longer. Spring Break has hit me at possibly the best moment. I need this sleep and time away from Olivia for my sanity.
But some of you don't know about Olivia. As part of my quest to overcome this fear, I'm making myself go self-therapy...so I'm going to tell you all about this. It's going to be long and painful, but I think it's the first step. Eventually I want to explain this to Olivia, and her mother...because her mother needs to understand why I did what I did, and that it wasn't because I wanted to be mean, but because I was breaking down inside.
Ever since the summer between 6th and 7th grade Olivia and I had been best friends. We told each other everything, we were always together, and I would truly feel complete when she was around. If you asked me who my best friend was, I would say, "I have 3. Annette, Olivia, and Emily." Truly, I had one. Olivia. She understood every thing in my life, loved the things I loved, wanted what I wanted...we were so alike and consequently, we had so much fun together. We spend entire nights making cards for Broadway people, reading monologues in funny voices, playing pretend soap operas, dancing to Hairspray, belting out the classics, watching movies, and talking about everything and anything. Finally, I had that friendship people always talk about...you know, the kind where you can tell that person anything, a true soul mate friendwise.
I mean, we had our little fights, but they would be short-lived and over stupid things. We always got it together. The first time we had a big fight was when I went to see the Something Wicked cabaret and not only didn't tell her I was going, but lied about going. My mom had told me not to tell her that I was going, so when she asked me if I was going I panicked and I said no. Needless to say, when she saw the picture of me (and a bunch of other fnas) with Kristin, we realized that I lied. I deserved the anger that came from her and her mother, and we weren't friends for a while...2 weeks. After that we started making strides, but things didn't repair themselves totally for about 3 weeks. But...things were fine.
Now, throughout my friendship with Olivia I had had my boughts of jealousy. It's really hard not to though, so don't take that the wrong way. She's a fantastic singer, actress, everybody likes her, and she basically gets everything she wants (she's not spoiled though). I'd get mad for a day, but then at the end of that day I'd give her a big hug and make plans to see her that next day...I could deal with it. In hindsight, I probably should have told her about these times because as we grew older, they grew worse...but I still dealed with it because she was my friend.
Then, this September things...never recovered. We went to see Kristin at C. Hall and she got really pissed off becuase I got caught up with my "outside" friends and neglected her a bit. Ever since then things weren't the same, and so I decided to tell her how I felt...but I couldn't talk about the real reason why we couldn't be friends anymore...becuase everytime I saw her I started breaking down, getting jealous, hating her guts. I couldn't tell her that, so now her family/she thinks that I hate her and I'm a heartless bitch.
Why am I sharing this with you all? Because if you all want to be my friends you have to understand what makes me tick...or break down. You have to understand what used to be to understand what is now. Oh, and those who know Olivia, I want to tell her myself, so please, don't share this with her. Thanks.
Oh, and I have to say that Corey McAndrews has made all of this easier for me. Last night, today...you win at life...thank you for everything.