(no subject)
every time i stop doing something useful or otherwise distracting (sleep, movie, etc...) i feel depression creep up on me.
i look at just how fucked up the world we are in is. i have done nothing to stop it. now that i am slowly getting out of the red money-wise i am going to start donating money to awesome groups like the heifer project and greenpeace and whatnot. because at least it's something, even if i'm not doing enough otherwise. every time i think about the past, just how fucked up things were, especially when i go "that was in MY lifetime!" like apartheid, for example. and then i go, jesus, look at how fucked up things are now. we have genocide, we have war, we have racism, all over the world. we have poverty too extreme for most of us living in this country to comprehend. which is why i'm probably still ranting about it after all these years.
that's why microloans and the heifer project and other similar ideas are so important. they are things ngos and individuals can do to make a difference when obviously government has only fucked things up.
the fact is that it is hard for me to comprehend that there are plenty of places where domestic abuse and even non-domestic rape and things are ignored by the police and law-regulation. but by the time i was born, that was only slowly starting to change in general american society, and there are plenty of pockets--like on indian reservations--where it still occurs. absolutely.
i am depressed by things closer to me though than how much bush and many others have managed to fuck up the world and even the lives of "regular" middle-class americans. one of my closest friends in the hospital with no outside contact but family. and i had no idea. and so i feel guilty and sad and worried and helpless. and so i mostly ignore it as much as i can, just like the state of the world, but it comes back to haunt me anyway.
i am also continuing to wrestle with myself on many issues related to race and class and ability, on culture, community, prejudice, power, expectations, diversity, privilege and oppression, etc, etc. i am not where i want to be, but i don't seem able to move forward. i think i may need to go back to therapy...but i need someone is well-versed in class-analysis, etc. so maybe i need to try my parents old gig of co-counseling, but it kind of traumatized me so i'm so sure about that... but i am just really, really stuck and i need a place where i can talk. i can try so hard to absorb all the information i can, but until i can rid of all my internalized shit i don't think i can do that.
okay. i really need to do a little more reading and go to bed because i have an 8:00 class four days a week and am fucking tired.
i feel like there was more i wanted to say here. but i'm too out of it to really recall. i am mostly staying far too busy so that is good. it will keep my out of the hole i usually fall into this time of year. damn you seasonal affective disorder.
love you all.
p.s. i saw waitress and it was amazing! you should all watch it. yay nathan fillion-ness.
i look at just how fucked up the world we are in is. i have done nothing to stop it. now that i am slowly getting out of the red money-wise i am going to start donating money to awesome groups like the heifer project and greenpeace and whatnot. because at least it's something, even if i'm not doing enough otherwise. every time i think about the past, just how fucked up things were, especially when i go "that was in MY lifetime!" like apartheid, for example. and then i go, jesus, look at how fucked up things are now. we have genocide, we have war, we have racism, all over the world. we have poverty too extreme for most of us living in this country to comprehend. which is why i'm probably still ranting about it after all these years.
that's why microloans and the heifer project and other similar ideas are so important. they are things ngos and individuals can do to make a difference when obviously government has only fucked things up.
the fact is that it is hard for me to comprehend that there are plenty of places where domestic abuse and even non-domestic rape and things are ignored by the police and law-regulation. but by the time i was born, that was only slowly starting to change in general american society, and there are plenty of pockets--like on indian reservations--where it still occurs. absolutely.
i am depressed by things closer to me though than how much bush and many others have managed to fuck up the world and even the lives of "regular" middle-class americans. one of my closest friends in the hospital with no outside contact but family. and i had no idea. and so i feel guilty and sad and worried and helpless. and so i mostly ignore it as much as i can, just like the state of the world, but it comes back to haunt me anyway.
i am also continuing to wrestle with myself on many issues related to race and class and ability, on culture, community, prejudice, power, expectations, diversity, privilege and oppression, etc, etc. i am not where i want to be, but i don't seem able to move forward. i think i may need to go back to therapy...but i need someone is well-versed in class-analysis, etc. so maybe i need to try my parents old gig of co-counseling, but it kind of traumatized me so i'm so sure about that... but i am just really, really stuck and i need a place where i can talk. i can try so hard to absorb all the information i can, but until i can rid of all my internalized shit i don't think i can do that.
okay. i really need to do a little more reading and go to bed because i have an 8:00 class four days a week and am fucking tired.
i feel like there was more i wanted to say here. but i'm too out of it to really recall. i am mostly staying far too busy so that is good. it will keep my out of the hole i usually fall into this time of year. damn you seasonal affective disorder.
love you all.
p.s. i saw waitress and it was amazing! you should all watch it. yay nathan fillion-ness.