Squeeee!
Last night I was restless as hell, totally unable to sleep, so despite the risks of staying awake when I have le work to do today I got up and watched my brother play Oblivion.
Imagine a game that carresses both your computer and you with a pure and uncompromising love, and whispers sensually in your ear... "let me load up for you." And yes, you are willing to wait six hours for it to do just that on your wheezing old turd of a computer. That is Oblivion.
He showed me the many glories. NATURAL SUNLIGHT! OVERWHELMING PHYSICAL FREEDOM! CHANGING WEATHER PATTERNS! SHRINES! ARKVED'S RETREAT!
... Arkved's Retreat.
You'd think my brother would spare me the sheer eeriness of Arkved's, keeping in mind that I had to go wander back into my own room and sleep soon but no, no. He had to go and show me what had to be the most disturbing map on the whole game.
But then he made it hilarious.
By shooting arrows into the genderless crotches of the dangling corpses ("WOODY!") and, fantastically and with some supreme skill, shooting arrows into the thin rope that suspended them. The sound effects are FANTASTIC. And then he started hopping around the pillars (THAT takes some maneuvring) and zooming in on the different, demented faces of these tormented dead.
It's bad ass. Even when you barely see their faces, you zoom and it is SO smooth and the faces omg the faces. Big bloody torn mouthholes and these white egg-shell eyes and the ribs are everywhere and how come none of them had genitals, anyway? Is Arkved's wickedness lacking in key places?
We also shot arrows into certain living things and encountered - hilariously - an elf bandit suspended in midair, looking down at the ground, glitched in the middle of being killed by something.
My brother shot him with arrows a couple of times, and he gracefully flopped down to the floor in a boneless heap. It was cracktastic and bizarre.
I wish I could play the game on my computer, but when my brother's snorting, steaming bulk of a machine can only render it at a mediocre level (which, for other games, is the OMGSHMEX level), I know my computer would die a dying death just trying.
Still, I must remember to poke my head in and remind him that Oblivion is not Serious Bidness, and can I see the Fertility Goddess' panties again?
Imagine a game that carresses both your computer and you with a pure and uncompromising love, and whispers sensually in your ear... "let me load up for you." And yes, you are willing to wait six hours for it to do just that on your wheezing old turd of a computer. That is Oblivion.
He showed me the many glories. NATURAL SUNLIGHT! OVERWHELMING PHYSICAL FREEDOM! CHANGING WEATHER PATTERNS! SHRINES! ARKVED'S RETREAT!
... Arkved's Retreat.
You'd think my brother would spare me the sheer eeriness of Arkved's, keeping in mind that I had to go wander back into my own room and sleep soon but no, no. He had to go and show me what had to be the most disturbing map on the whole game.
But then he made it hilarious.
By shooting arrows into the genderless crotches of the dangling corpses ("WOODY!") and, fantastically and with some supreme skill, shooting arrows into the thin rope that suspended them. The sound effects are FANTASTIC. And then he started hopping around the pillars (THAT takes some maneuvring) and zooming in on the different, demented faces of these tormented dead.
It's bad ass. Even when you barely see their faces, you zoom and it is SO smooth and the faces omg the faces. Big bloody torn mouthholes and these white egg-shell eyes and the ribs are everywhere and how come none of them had genitals, anyway? Is Arkved's wickedness lacking in key places?
We also shot arrows into certain living things and encountered - hilariously - an elf bandit suspended in midair, looking down at the ground, glitched in the middle of being killed by something.
My brother shot him with arrows a couple of times, and he gracefully flopped down to the floor in a boneless heap. It was cracktastic and bizarre.
I wish I could play the game on my computer, but when my brother's snorting, steaming bulk of a machine can only render it at a mediocre level (which, for other games, is the OMGSHMEX level), I know my computer would die a dying death just trying.
Still, I must remember to poke my head in and remind him that Oblivion is not Serious Bidness, and can I see the Fertility Goddess' panties again?