Am I supposed to feel different?
So it's a new year. Big deal.
Nothing in my life has changed in a day. I don't feel different. I don't feel like it's a whole new beginning anymore than a Tuesday would be. It's just one more thing for me to remember. "Oh, it's not 2008 anymore." /scribbles out the date and rewrites it
I'm in a funk and I really need it to go away. I couldn't stand being at home for some reason so I left and came back to school and haven't really left my apartment since.
I feel so tired. It's this overwhelming exhaustion that won't go away. My mom would just be like, "Go exercise." My dad wouldn't know what to say. Most people say, "I'm sorry." So many people make me feel like it's my fault, like I should be able to make it go away all by myself.
I just care so little. Someone could come up to me, stab me in the thigh with a steak knife, twist it, and pull it out and all I would do is stare at them and most likely say, "Ow." I just do not care. I have so much I need to do but I can't make myself do any of it. I mean, yeah, I'm on break, how much could I possibly need to do, but still.
I just don't see the point of anything right now. I have no job, no money. I have to graduate in two years with massive debt and six months after I'll be bombarded with payments that I probably won't be able to afford. I can't handle it. It's like this huge, heavy, black cloud over me all the time. I'm not ready for life. I'm not ready for money problems. I'm not ready to be thrown into the job market with my eyes closed and my fingers crossed.
Yeah, it's two years away, I know. But I have nothing to look forward to right now and that's really getting to me. Winter came and went, "Oh yeah, hi. How've you been?" and proceeded to dump two months of debilitating depression on me in a day. I can barely make myself stay awake. I should eat, but I don't care. I should shower, but I care less. Especially because there are two empty cases of beer in my shower that I'm too lazy to do anything about.
I wish I had a bigger room. I think it might make a difference in my mood. A dog would make the biggest difference. But I can't have one of those. I actually left my room though. Went downstairs to the 7-Eleven to get some Dew. Took some effort, but I managed.
What makes me upset is I was fine until Christmas. After Christmas is when I got all... me. I feel all sick but I'm not. I feel ugly and fat and overall gross.
I need weed but won't have any until tomorrow. Ugh. I wish I had some tweezers. I cut my bangs with kid scissors the other day and they look pretty nice.
Why is no one online to talk to me? Grr. I hate everything right now. My desk is a mess but, as usual, I don't have the drive to clean it off.
Instead of going out to Victoria's Secret I chose to just buy online with my gift card. Two pairs of undies and a new bra! Whoo. I love under-things.
I shouldn't smoke so much. I know it affects my medication, as in makes it not work well. But I love weed. It works better than meds. I should just move to Michigan or Cali and get medical shit and call it a day. My mood swings are driving me crazy and I hate the fact that I have absolutely no control over anything. Maybe it's because I'm smoking too much weed, mayb because it's winter, maybe it's both. I vote both.
I never update this thing anymore, so everything is a million years long. And whiny and shit. I should make some pasta. I'm suddenly not debilitatingly depressed.
People should force me to have them over and stuff. I have to put away all my laundry and stuff. We have a bunch of new cups and dishes and it makes me happy. I think. It makes our apartment look a little more complete and polished, seeing as they all match.
Anyway. A few hours later after forgetting this tab was open... I should like, sleep sometime normal tonight. I want to eat but I'm not hungry, but I am. Ugh. Hate that.
I wonder what I would be like if I was pregnant.
Scratch that. I don't ever want to think about that ever.
Makes me want to shower.
Nothing in my life has changed in a day. I don't feel different. I don't feel like it's a whole new beginning anymore than a Tuesday would be. It's just one more thing for me to remember. "Oh, it's not 2008 anymore." /scribbles out the date and rewrites it
I'm in a funk and I really need it to go away. I couldn't stand being at home for some reason so I left and came back to school and haven't really left my apartment since.
I feel so tired. It's this overwhelming exhaustion that won't go away. My mom would just be like, "Go exercise." My dad wouldn't know what to say. Most people say, "I'm sorry." So many people make me feel like it's my fault, like I should be able to make it go away all by myself.
I just care so little. Someone could come up to me, stab me in the thigh with a steak knife, twist it, and pull it out and all I would do is stare at them and most likely say, "Ow." I just do not care. I have so much I need to do but I can't make myself do any of it. I mean, yeah, I'm on break, how much could I possibly need to do, but still.
I just don't see the point of anything right now. I have no job, no money. I have to graduate in two years with massive debt and six months after I'll be bombarded with payments that I probably won't be able to afford. I can't handle it. It's like this huge, heavy, black cloud over me all the time. I'm not ready for life. I'm not ready for money problems. I'm not ready to be thrown into the job market with my eyes closed and my fingers crossed.
Yeah, it's two years away, I know. But I have nothing to look forward to right now and that's really getting to me. Winter came and went, "Oh yeah, hi. How've you been?" and proceeded to dump two months of debilitating depression on me in a day. I can barely make myself stay awake. I should eat, but I don't care. I should shower, but I care less. Especially because there are two empty cases of beer in my shower that I'm too lazy to do anything about.
I wish I had a bigger room. I think it might make a difference in my mood. A dog would make the biggest difference. But I can't have one of those. I actually left my room though. Went downstairs to the 7-Eleven to get some Dew. Took some effort, but I managed.
What makes me upset is I was fine until Christmas. After Christmas is when I got all... me. I feel all sick but I'm not. I feel ugly and fat and overall gross.
I need weed but won't have any until tomorrow. Ugh. I wish I had some tweezers. I cut my bangs with kid scissors the other day and they look pretty nice.
Why is no one online to talk to me? Grr. I hate everything right now. My desk is a mess but, as usual, I don't have the drive to clean it off.
Instead of going out to Victoria's Secret I chose to just buy online with my gift card. Two pairs of undies and a new bra! Whoo. I love under-things.
I shouldn't smoke so much. I know it affects my medication, as in makes it not work well. But I love weed. It works better than meds. I should just move to Michigan or Cali and get medical shit and call it a day. My mood swings are driving me crazy and I hate the fact that I have absolutely no control over anything. Maybe it's because I'm smoking too much weed, mayb because it's winter, maybe it's both. I vote both.
I never update this thing anymore, so everything is a million years long. And whiny and shit. I should make some pasta. I'm suddenly not debilitatingly depressed.
People should force me to have them over and stuff. I have to put away all my laundry and stuff. We have a bunch of new cups and dishes and it makes me happy. I think. It makes our apartment look a little more complete and polished, seeing as they all match.
Anyway. A few hours later after forgetting this tab was open... I should like, sleep sometime normal tonight. I want to eat but I'm not hungry, but I am. Ugh. Hate that.
I wonder what I would be like if I was pregnant.
Scratch that. I don't ever want to think about that ever.
Makes me want to shower.