I don't to be there, but where else can I go
I can't really describe this feeling. I would say empty but that makes it seem like my life is unfulfilling. I would say its black, but that would imply sadness. I would say that its pressure, but for once I feel liberated. I can't descibe it but its there. This feeling in me. Its not that I feel like I lost my place at Colby, or Malden, Or in the USA...something just feels different. I don't want to go back to OZ, JCU was not my school, and JFC was not my home...it was nice but on the verge of fictious. I guess I liked the low stakes in OZ, the fact that what happened there had little consequence here. I seems like I was running from my problems but I don't really have any to run from. I don't really know what it is, which is I guess why I sit in the five free minutes I have a day and think about it.
Last night I saw a story telling show and the guy talked about how he wanted to be a professor and everything he said touched me. I want to do that and those are the reason I want to. He isn't a professor, he is a performer. He descibed the professor's house he is currently living in. The big bedrooms and the nice bed, and the spacious kitchen. I want that. That professor married another professor...great. And sabaticals and office hours and lectures. He also said that in life you can give it your all and still fall short by like 10% and that scared me. I'm not going to lie. And I look at my schedule next year and I think to myself...will I fail, will life break me. I know this is going to be a hard semester and the stakes are high...if I don't do well the chances of me getting in to grad school diminish and the chance of me getting grants is even slimmer. Then what?
But, the performer's life is good. Despite his mistakes. He is married to a very nice wife. He is a performer in New York and even though life did not deal him his cards he is still living and funny and as far as I can tell enjoying life. Isn't that the kicker...to enjoy life.
So I'm back from abroad, back as Colby, and other are just starting their semesters, their experiences in other countries. I miss them. I don't want them to have the great experience I had because I want them here. Even if I don't like them or know them I want them here to make my life normal. There is a boy that I had class with and he knows me, we're not friends. But, I'm intrigued by him and his nature. I would say I like him but that sounds so middle school and I don't need that kinds of giddy distraction right now. But, I think about him almost every day. I wonder what he is doing, how is the rest of the world treating him. What are the pubs like where he is and what mistakes will he make. And does he ever think of me?
I'm not a selfish person. I like to help others and will conceded to eat at Dana instead of Foss even if it is chicken fajita night. I compromise. I don't want to fall into the habits I have of building things up, I don't want to dream and make up elaborate fantasies anymore. I don't want perfection.
So, what is this feeling inside of me, eating at me...is it simply the reminder that I am alive, that I can't stop living. Is it to remind me of my goals and dreams and fears. Is it to keep me on my toes, always guessing, always looking for the next opportunity. I suppose it could just be gas, and I am looking way to far into this. But, maybe, hopefully its not.
Last night I saw a story telling show and the guy talked about how he wanted to be a professor and everything he said touched me. I want to do that and those are the reason I want to. He isn't a professor, he is a performer. He descibed the professor's house he is currently living in. The big bedrooms and the nice bed, and the spacious kitchen. I want that. That professor married another professor...great. And sabaticals and office hours and lectures. He also said that in life you can give it your all and still fall short by like 10% and that scared me. I'm not going to lie. And I look at my schedule next year and I think to myself...will I fail, will life break me. I know this is going to be a hard semester and the stakes are high...if I don't do well the chances of me getting in to grad school diminish and the chance of me getting grants is even slimmer. Then what?
But, the performer's life is good. Despite his mistakes. He is married to a very nice wife. He is a performer in New York and even though life did not deal him his cards he is still living and funny and as far as I can tell enjoying life. Isn't that the kicker...to enjoy life.
So I'm back from abroad, back as Colby, and other are just starting their semesters, their experiences in other countries. I miss them. I don't want them to have the great experience I had because I want them here. Even if I don't like them or know them I want them here to make my life normal. There is a boy that I had class with and he knows me, we're not friends. But, I'm intrigued by him and his nature. I would say I like him but that sounds so middle school and I don't need that kinds of giddy distraction right now. But, I think about him almost every day. I wonder what he is doing, how is the rest of the world treating him. What are the pubs like where he is and what mistakes will he make. And does he ever think of me?
I'm not a selfish person. I like to help others and will conceded to eat at Dana instead of Foss even if it is chicken fajita night. I compromise. I don't want to fall into the habits I have of building things up, I don't want to dream and make up elaborate fantasies anymore. I don't want perfection.
So, what is this feeling inside of me, eating at me...is it simply the reminder that I am alive, that I can't stop living. Is it to remind me of my goals and dreams and fears. Is it to keep me on my toes, always guessing, always looking for the next opportunity. I suppose it could just be gas, and I am looking way to far into this. But, maybe, hopefully its not.