Don't know exactly how, but...
Yeah, I am going to LA. Next week. Maybe sooner, if I can get things in order. Being here is not doing me any good, nor will things improve if I stay.
I'd rather not go alone. I've been having anxiety over that... the thought of the car breaking down in the middle of nowhere in New Mexico, without cell service. My car's been having problems, so that might happen. Could be dangerous. REAL danger, not the kind I continually create inside my brain. Lately I've faced potentially real danger, and in those situations, I get myself OUT of it.
But it's going to be okay. So far, the only option seems to be for my mom to come with me. I've asked her about that but she basically told me that was impossible and that I'm rushing.
I think she'll be okay with it, too, even though it's so hard to talk to her about it. What she says contradicts my intuition and the signs she's been giving me. Plus, she's an uber-Pisces!
I took it as a sign when she wrote down the wrong date in March, when I was getting ready to fly out to LA. Because right before, I was thinking that I wasn't coming back (which is true, in a sense). She left me another sign today. I didn't get such a weird feeling this time, but hey, we're the ones who put meaning into things, so I choose for it to have meaning.
Now, I'm used to her moving all my stuff. It still annoys me, and makes it confusing when I'm trying to pack, but I'm used to it. Today, I found something on the shelf of my room that I've been missing for more than a year. My Bandwagon ArcLight ticket! It still looks like new, it isn't even bent at all! My mom had put it there, so I take that as another sign.
Now if only she would TALK to me about this instead of being in denial or telling me that I'm rushing...
ETA: Okay, so just talked. More of the same. I'm "rushing"... So I said I'm going even if she doesn't help.
And now I feel depressed.