It's been a while
Things are looking up for me (maybe not grades though) but I can't help but think I'm wasting my life away in Peoria. There's nothing here for me. The theatre program is going to shit. There is one play this year I'm really looking forward to. If I get a part in another play I'll let you guys know.
I really want to leave. I don't really have a lot of good people around me anymore. Everyone is somewhere else, Champaign/Urbana, Bloomington, Chicago, Minnesota.... And here I am, doing absolutely nothing. At Illinois Central College for my third fucking year, what a loser. And because of that I'm not trying very hard in my classes. Today I had to drop one and pick up a second eight weeks class to keep my scholarship. I guess that should be my motivation. But, an associates degree in theatre from Illinois Central College isn't looking like too great of a thing; especially with the way the future is looking- I probably wont have any work anyway! None of us will. So who the hell is going to pay money to see me or anyone jump around on stage pretending? Nobody.
So what am I doing? Why am I here? I can tell you why it was... I was living my life for other people and not me. Get through school for my family. Switching from boyfriend to boyfriend and not even truly letting them into my life. Living to satisfy others and not myself. I just want to act, sing, and make money. I fucking hate school and always have. I feel that the world around me is my school. I love knowledge, don't get me wrong... I just hate what all the fucking second hand professors at ICC think. It's high school. I'm going on half way through my 7th year of high school.
I broke up with Joe about a week and a half ago. Things weren't working. My brain isn't working. He's been giving me a really hard time over it. Saying I'm with some other guy or I'm just a liar who never had any feeling for him. I hate it when they do that. I've just come to realize that I concern myself so much with men that I don't take any time to sit down and ponder and meditate and feel. I don't know who am I anymore or what I want out of life.
I do know what I want out of life. I want to help people, I want to get away from society. I want to surround myself with art and music. I want to know the earth on which we only have a short amount of time. School, work, money, sex, fame, cars, television, sports, politics... they're all illusions. My mind is so clouded with illusions it's driving me insane. Sometimes I just want to live in the mountains and hallucinate for eternity.
I really want to leave. I don't really have a lot of good people around me anymore. Everyone is somewhere else, Champaign/Urbana, Bloomington, Chicago, Minnesota.... And here I am, doing absolutely nothing. At Illinois Central College for my third fucking year, what a loser. And because of that I'm not trying very hard in my classes. Today I had to drop one and pick up a second eight weeks class to keep my scholarship. I guess that should be my motivation. But, an associates degree in theatre from Illinois Central College isn't looking like too great of a thing; especially with the way the future is looking- I probably wont have any work anyway! None of us will. So who the hell is going to pay money to see me or anyone jump around on stage pretending? Nobody.
So what am I doing? Why am I here? I can tell you why it was... I was living my life for other people and not me. Get through school for my family. Switching from boyfriend to boyfriend and not even truly letting them into my life. Living to satisfy others and not myself. I just want to act, sing, and make money. I fucking hate school and always have. I feel that the world around me is my school. I love knowledge, don't get me wrong... I just hate what all the fucking second hand professors at ICC think. It's high school. I'm going on half way through my 7th year of high school.
I broke up with Joe about a week and a half ago. Things weren't working. My brain isn't working. He's been giving me a really hard time over it. Saying I'm with some other guy or I'm just a liar who never had any feeling for him. I hate it when they do that. I've just come to realize that I concern myself so much with men that I don't take any time to sit down and ponder and meditate and feel. I don't know who am I anymore or what I want out of life.
I do know what I want out of life. I want to help people, I want to get away from society. I want to surround myself with art and music. I want to know the earth on which we only have a short amount of time. School, work, money, sex, fame, cars, television, sports, politics... they're all illusions. My mind is so clouded with illusions it's driving me insane. Sometimes I just want to live in the mountains and hallucinate for eternity.