Tragic News
Hello LJ friends. I know many of you have migrated to FB and heard the news there, but for anyone still here I have some sad, tragic news to share. We lost our beloved resk this past Friday. Below is my unedited post from FB with some of the details. I will try to come back here and post any memorial information as it becomes available. You can also join this fb group to celebrate Eric's life. Also, since I have not been on LJ in forever I don't really recall how it works and if tagging Eric in this post will be enough for his friends to see it, so please if anyone feels like sharing or reposting this, please do so if it will mean those who knew Eric will be informed.
Content warnings: self harm, suicide, long unedited ramble
Ok, feel like I have been putting this off, but maybe it is also too early. But I have a little time so here goes . . but first some ground rules:
First off, I am mostly ok and trying to deal with this in a healthy way so no need to worry too much. Second, I will not begrudge anyone their faith, but please keep it off of me. I do not need or want your blessings or prayers. I get that they are meaningful to you, but they are hegemony to me. Also, please remember that I am vegan (I am not encouraging anything but I know this is how some people show they care and I don't want to have to throw anything out).
A very close friend of mine took his own life on Friday. I’ve known Eric long enough to not know exactly how long it has been, but in the neighborhood of 15 years. Those that knew Eric knew that he has long struggled with mental illness. This year was particularly tough for him having spent much of it in the hospital being manic. Then, suddenly in June he was back to himself. The day I picked him up from the hospital I was so nervous that he was still manic, but then just like that my friend was back! It was lovely and I had missed him over those past few months. Then in late June the depression and anxiety ramped up again, and the suicidal ideation started. He talked with me about it quite a bit, as it did with several others as well. I am still amazed by the support structure he created for himself and the love so many people had for him. (Side note, I love all of you in our little EB Concern group and am so much more at ease knowing that you are there as we go through this together.) So Eric and I talked and played Scrabble and watched TV and whatever else we could think of to try to combat his situation. Then this Friday he didn’t show up for Scrabble. Not wanting to panic I called once and sent a few messages. Then I contacted the EB Concern group and asked if anyone had heard from him. Nope. So with really not that much actual fear in me, I headed over to his place. I am so grateful that Adam had to have the idea to go over too, and for Nicolle suggesting that neither of us go in his apartment alone, even though I didn’t see that until later.
Adam and I knocked and called out Eric’s name to no response, then we unlocked the door and went in. I won’t go into any more detail than that other than to say that it was a medication overdose and not particularly gruesome and Eric looked peaceful.
The world lost an amazing person on Friday. Artist, musician, creator, collaborator, writer, joker, friend, I could list these for days. But the world also failed a beautiful person. No one of us is in any way to blame of course, and please get in touch with me if you are feeling guilt about your role in Eric’s life - none of this was your fault! I don’t want to go into a big rant about “the system,” but I will say that clearly it needs improvement.
What I will say is this. If you know someone who is struggling with mental illness (or anything really, emotional, physical, whatever, we all have our struggles even if they are not formalized by a diagnosis) I want you to know this: it can be really difficult to support them. It can be scary. If you just can’t bring yourself to do it, that’s fine, you have to take care of yourself, no shame, we love you and understand. If you do have it in you to offer support and love, from my experience the most important thing is just to listen and not to judge or criticize. Remember that when they get hard to deal with, that is the disease (or whatever you want to call it) and not the person you love. (Obviously this cannot excuse actual abuse, again, always make sure to take care of yourself.) Hate the disease, not the words or actions of the one who is suffering. Also, little things matter. Eric had been writing and posting a small serial story on facebook and the main reason he did was that he enjoyed the feedback. Even the likes meant something to him - in this case that he was sending a little happiness to someone else. There is nothing you can do that is too small. Get them help! You can’t do this on your own, or evner with a group of friends! There are professionals who are amazing (thank you to everyone who cared for Eric on his journey, I can never adequately express my thanks to all of you.) and can help, but only if they know. Call Community Mental Health or whatever the equivalent is where you are and find out how to get your friend (or yourself for that matter) in to see someone. Every little bit helps.
But no matter how hard you, or your friend or everyone else on the team tries, sometimes it still isn’t enough. We have to be ready for that. I didn’t want to be ready, but in some ways I was and I think it made the difference between grief and losing myself entirely.
I recognize that this is getting quite rambley, probably because it is trying to be too many things. So to summarize. I am devastated but not (hopefully) broken over the loss of my beautiful friend. Take care of yourselves and those you love. Listen to and believe them. Life isn’t perfect not is it on you to make it so, so don’t blame yourself if things go sideways. I love you all.
Content warnings: self harm, suicide, long unedited ramble
Ok, feel like I have been putting this off, but maybe it is also too early. But I have a little time so here goes . . but first some ground rules:
First off, I am mostly ok and trying to deal with this in a healthy way so no need to worry too much. Second, I will not begrudge anyone their faith, but please keep it off of me. I do not need or want your blessings or prayers. I get that they are meaningful to you, but they are hegemony to me. Also, please remember that I am vegan (I am not encouraging anything but I know this is how some people show they care and I don't want to have to throw anything out).
A very close friend of mine took his own life on Friday. I’ve known Eric long enough to not know exactly how long it has been, but in the neighborhood of 15 years. Those that knew Eric knew that he has long struggled with mental illness. This year was particularly tough for him having spent much of it in the hospital being manic. Then, suddenly in June he was back to himself. The day I picked him up from the hospital I was so nervous that he was still manic, but then just like that my friend was back! It was lovely and I had missed him over those past few months. Then in late June the depression and anxiety ramped up again, and the suicidal ideation started. He talked with me about it quite a bit, as it did with several others as well. I am still amazed by the support structure he created for himself and the love so many people had for him. (Side note, I love all of you in our little EB Concern group and am so much more at ease knowing that you are there as we go through this together.) So Eric and I talked and played Scrabble and watched TV and whatever else we could think of to try to combat his situation. Then this Friday he didn’t show up for Scrabble. Not wanting to panic I called once and sent a few messages. Then I contacted the EB Concern group and asked if anyone had heard from him. Nope. So with really not that much actual fear in me, I headed over to his place. I am so grateful that Adam had to have the idea to go over too, and for Nicolle suggesting that neither of us go in his apartment alone, even though I didn’t see that until later.
Adam and I knocked and called out Eric’s name to no response, then we unlocked the door and went in. I won’t go into any more detail than that other than to say that it was a medication overdose and not particularly gruesome and Eric looked peaceful.
The world lost an amazing person on Friday. Artist, musician, creator, collaborator, writer, joker, friend, I could list these for days. But the world also failed a beautiful person. No one of us is in any way to blame of course, and please get in touch with me if you are feeling guilt about your role in Eric’s life - none of this was your fault! I don’t want to go into a big rant about “the system,” but I will say that clearly it needs improvement.
What I will say is this. If you know someone who is struggling with mental illness (or anything really, emotional, physical, whatever, we all have our struggles even if they are not formalized by a diagnosis) I want you to know this: it can be really difficult to support them. It can be scary. If you just can’t bring yourself to do it, that’s fine, you have to take care of yourself, no shame, we love you and understand. If you do have it in you to offer support and love, from my experience the most important thing is just to listen and not to judge or criticize. Remember that when they get hard to deal with, that is the disease (or whatever you want to call it) and not the person you love. (Obviously this cannot excuse actual abuse, again, always make sure to take care of yourself.) Hate the disease, not the words or actions of the one who is suffering. Also, little things matter. Eric had been writing and posting a small serial story on facebook and the main reason he did was that he enjoyed the feedback. Even the likes meant something to him - in this case that he was sending a little happiness to someone else. There is nothing you can do that is too small. Get them help! You can’t do this on your own, or evner with a group of friends! There are professionals who are amazing (thank you to everyone who cared for Eric on his journey, I can never adequately express my thanks to all of you.) and can help, but only if they know. Call Community Mental Health or whatever the equivalent is where you are and find out how to get your friend (or yourself for that matter) in to see someone. Every little bit helps.
But no matter how hard you, or your friend or everyone else on the team tries, sometimes it still isn’t enough. We have to be ready for that. I didn’t want to be ready, but in some ways I was and I think it made the difference between grief and losing myself entirely.
I recognize that this is getting quite rambley, probably because it is trying to be too many things. So to summarize. I am devastated but not (hopefully) broken over the loss of my beautiful friend. Take care of yourselves and those you love. Listen to and believe them. Life isn’t perfect not is it on you to make it so, so don’t blame yourself if things go sideways. I love you all.