Alea Iacta Est. The Dragons Takes a Deep Breath.
The die has been cast. Here she is peoples. I will be handing her in Friday afternoon. Please beta for me. *titters behind hand*
Dear K
Wow. I didn’t think I was going to be typing this letter just yet. But, here I am, eating Starburst Gummi Ringles and well, um….typing it.
Stick a fork in me. I’m done. Please accept this as my resignation from [Insert Company Name Here], giving four weeks notice as required. My last day will be Friday 16th November 2007.
I am sure you will nod wisely and tell your colleagues you saw this one coming. You will talk about poor sales, or running out of steam, or being overwhelmed, or angry, or incompetent, or frustrated or even marvel at how effective your little chats are at resolving things. Don’t pitch a fit, I am laughing as I type that.
And I guess there are little bits of all of that somewhere in my decision. *looks inside, shakes box, see lots of things*
Mostly this is about a question you asked me on Monday. And it wasn’t even a BIG question. It was a little one, sandwiched in between a couple of others. I might have missed it entirely if I hadn’t been paying attention.
You asked me: Is this still what you want to be doing? And I said: Yes. Yes, of course it is.
The CORRECT answer to that question is this: Nope. Not by a long shot.
Let’s be clear: I was not lying to you. When I said Yes. Yes of course it is, I really thought I meant it. In the car on the way back to the store I was trying to figure out why I felt as though I had put my shoes on the wrong feet at some point during our meeting. It took me almost the entire length of the Schnitzel Freeway to arrive at: Haaaaang on. I think I told a fib. And a DOOZY, at that.
Say what you will about my writerly imagination, but I am not large with the telling of lies. It is one of my least favorite things people do. Man, oh man, I have been on the receiving end of some CORKERS in my time.
I digress. Apologies. If you have already stopped reading, then um…RUDE. But okay. I’ll just finish this up for my own catharsis anyway, ‘kay?
I have been doing a lot of writing this year. And Christ Almighty, I have written some CRAP, K. I mean, most of the stuff I have here on this laptop? Dear God, it stinks. Really. *covers face with hands* But the thing is, I am a stubborn wench (you may have noticed this), and I haven’t stopped just on account of 100 000 words of utter tripe here and there. So I’ve churned out some stuff that makes me SING, too. I am so proud of some of the shiny bits I just…I don’t know. I’m really, really proud of it.
I’m getting to the point. Trust me. Here it is right here: I need to go do something with that. Because I can’t be on the ball with [Insert Company Name Here] and writing at the same time. They are both so demanding and WORTHY of my attention, that it’s insulting to one or the other to try and do both. And while I like [Insert Company Name Here] (less than I used to, but I still like her) I LOVE writing. And I think I want to be poor and in love. Not rich and safe.
I considered sticking about for a year and a half, gettin’ the ole ten years certificate and the long service leave, but I have just watched a couple of people do that, and I know how damaging they can be. I have no interest in becoming that person, or poisoning a team I am very fond and very proud of. They have fought and bitten and scratched their way through a very tough year, and I am truly, deeply sorry for being the instigator of MORE upheaval for them. That is the bit that bites.
But Dragons has to come first. Well, actually, sobriety has to come first. Then Dragons. So be it.
So I am away. For a brief break, and then a job that is either more aligned with my creative self, or mindless enough that I can write while I do it. I understand I will still have to pay bills. This is disturbing to me. Terrifying even. If you know of a way I can AVOID this, let me know. As maybe a parting gift?
I cannot be the woman who wakes up when she is fifty and looks at her bank account and says “Meh. I wonder if I’d….”
I really, really can’t.
[Insert Company Name Here] has been a more permanent and loving partner in my life than any man I have ever shagged - and trust me, I’ve shagged a lot. This company has made me laugh, and cry, and has trusted and believed in me when I neither trusted nor believed in myself. It has made me a stronger and better person. This has not been an EASY decision. But it is a RIGHT one. Right does not always equal easy, unfortunately.
I am very grateful for the opportunities you have given me and the faith you have had in me since you lobbed on the [Insert Company Name Here] doorstep. I cannot say you have been anything other than a staunch supporter of Camp Dragons. For this, I thank you.
In fact, the only negative thing I have to say to you is this: You are very, very wrong about Lozenge. On every conceivable level that you could possibly be wrong about her, you are. And I wish you weren’t.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr would say here: So it goes.
I also wish to say this: People are unhappy. They are not telling you this, but they ARE. But I think I told you that the other day. So enough about that, too.
I hope you can find it in your heart to say some pleasant things about me if anyone calls enquiring after my character. I can say this to you without fear of lightning strike or heavenly smiting: I gave you and this job everything I had to give. I did not skimp. What you saw? That was me.
Kind regards
Dragons