(no subject)
I dont want to grow up. I have pretty much taken the next step in my life, college but honestly i dont want these days. i just want something different. i just want something to look forward to and something to motivate myself towards. im so sick and tired of the same old thing. im in college and all but when i went to school and saw a the amount of people from bayside i realized nothings changed. this isnt a new beginning this the same old shit except a little bit harder. i dont know anymore because at the end of the day i have to come home to some messy apartment with the thought that my mom might be to messed up to even open her eyes. i dont want this shit anymore. i just want to offically be alone because i have to much and i honestly worry about to many people. i worry about my mom and brother cause they're are the reason im still alive, danny and whatever issues hes dealing with at the time, whats maybelle upto cause its always something different, how the girl im still am madly in-love with is doing upstate and if anybody is trying to fuck around with her, and a lot of others that are usually on my mind. I still feel empty though and just nothing fulfills me, not like anything ever did. i really just have to start thinking about myself. i've been saying that for a while but now i just have to but i can't. i'm not selfish enough to do that. i hate writing entries like this because i hate complaining. im only 18 but i feel so much older. turning 18 was not that big of a deal to me. Oh now i can buy cigarettes leagally, o so much of a difference. now i can vote, nothing good to vote for. we got some hick thats in there that everybody seems to hate or we have this pussy thats a hyporcrite and can't make up his mind over anything. we're fucked either way. personally im goin for the hick cause i rather have the problems we already have compared to a new set of problems on top of the old ones. there will never be a time in this country wherer everybody will have healthcare because the taxes would be insane and then only way health insurance would be provided for every citizen is if we are a communist state. we'll probably be there in 30-80 years anyway. i dont know anymore. ive decided i dont want to become a cop anymore cause they get fucked over to much. the salary they get paid is definitly nowhere near the risk they take everyday. i dont know what the fuck i want. i mean i do but i can't get it. i guess all good things come with time and i just have to wait for it. someday this will all make sense i hope. give me some reassurance for something. well if somebody actually read all of this thanks caus eit shows you care and that can actually prove to me that you can be a real friend.