[Fic: CSI-LV] [Grissom/Warrick] All In The Details
Title: Can’t We All Just Get Along?
Author: sapphobrown/pclarity
Category: Angst, Drama, Established Relationship, Hurt-Comfort
Rating: FRAO/NC-17
Pairings: Warrick/Gil
Status of Story: 1/1
Spoilers: Season 6 Ep 11 Werewolves
Summary: Gil and Warrick decide to try their luck at a second cruise to the Bahamas. This time it will be a cruise line that caters to same sex couples. The first one did not go so well because they kept hearing that this was a family ship and mothers were clutching their children to their breast and the men thought Gil and Warrick wanted them. So they take the cruise and learn that prejudice is everywhere.
Disclaimers: CSI Characters Warrick Brown and Gil Grissom are the express property of CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer and anybody else not me who has their hand in the pot. Serenade of the Seas is the express property of Royal Carribean Cruise lines and anybody else not me who has their hand in the pot. Although Royal Carribean does offer same-sex cruise events on the Serenade of The Seas, it generally goes to San Juan (when speaking of the Carribean) and not Nassau, Bahamas, so a little creative license was taken there.
Part I
Grissom was conflicted. On the one hand, he wanted to make his lover happy. On the other hand, a gay cruise? It wasn’t that he had a problem with the cruise catering specifically to same-sex couples. No, he reasoned, that might make it better than the last cruise they’d taken. Gil had been shocked at the reactions of some of the passengers to the presence of he and Warrick as a couple on the ship. They’d claimed to be worried about their kids. Grissom had been bowled over. How could anyone think that way? He considered himself an odd duck, and he knew people tended to be judgmental, but even in his line of work, the leap from homosexual to pedophile was an unbelievable stretch.
No, Gil’s problem was dealing with the restraint required of them when in public. He preferred to stay at home. Being with Warrick Brown had unleashed a damn of emotional control so ingrained in him, it was almost as if he was learning how to feel for the first time in his life. Allowing himself to feel, with Warrick, had become addictive. He couldn’t control it, but he was still too intensely private and closed to allow himself free reign when they were with others. He didn’t care if they stayed in a cabin, a tent, or even the cab of a truck, as long as it was just He and Warrick. Gil felt like he could stay that way forever, but he knew he couldn’t lock himself and his gregarious lover into a cocoon, no matter how much he wanted to, so he’d agreed to go on a cruise again.
Sighing, he continued his packing. They were due to fly out in about four hours. He just didn’t understand why Warrick was so insistent on repeating the cruise experience gay or not. They didn’t have to do this. Strong arms circled his waist as a kiss from the softest lips graced his neck. “You got everything?” Warrick murmured against his neck. Gil turned to face his lover, fitting himself more closely into the embrace. “You know, we could still go camping in the mountains. Just you, me, and nature,” he mumbled into the firm shoulder he was nuzzling.
Warrick released him as he took a step back to study his lover. Those crystal clear azure irises were like a tunnel into Gil’s soul, if you knew how to look. Just then, Warrick thought he almost saw a hint of pleading. Rubbing his hand across the back of his neck, as if to soothe some unseen tension he blew out a breath. Choosing his words carefully he said, “Baby, we shouldn’t have to always isolate ourselves. We deserve to travel and enjoy the sights like anyone else,” biting back the frustrated tone he knew was creeping into his voice, he continued, “I love you, and I want to experience the world with you, not just the small slice we’ve been able to carve out for ourselves. It’ll be fun. Trust me.”
As a devilish grin crept across his mouth, he said, “Besides, wouldn’t you like to be taken on a white sandy beach in the heat of the midday sun?” Blue soul tunnels suddenly turned almost black at the stretching of Gil’s pupils. Warrick decided to push his advantage. Grabbing Gil back into his arms, he nipped at the throbbing artery on his neck as he said, “Besides, the Bahamian National Insect Collection has a newly discovered species of Melittobia on display.” Gil gasped and jerked out of Warrick’s embrace, “I’m almost finished packing. In fact, just let me get done, and we can get to the airport early. You know how security keeps changing. Wouldn’t want to run into problems that might cause us to miss the flight.”
Warrick turned away trying to stifle his chuckles, as Gil obliviously went about finishing his meticulous packing with renewed haste.
##################
Part II
Warrick Brown was antsy. Well, one couldn’t really call it antsy. Ever since he was a child, with the music his mother put in his heart, he’d had these peculiar bouts of random energy. Hardly a hyper-active child, he’d been interested in all sorts of things, but the things that fed his mind captured his attention the most. Unfortunately, that meant he stayed on the skinny side because he rarely played sports or got any recreational exercise. He hated running. When it came to playing basketball in P.E., he loved dribbling the ball, using his hands, working out the plays, but he hated the running. Calisthenic drills were nightmares. The same went for soccer, football, and anything else that might have found him running laps. Running hurt. He much preferred to burn his energy doing random things around his Grams’ house. Usually this consisted of him dancing his little butt off to whatever was the popular record of the week. But sometimes, he would run. Sometimes running was almost an instinctual release for that energy. Sometimes, when the weather was just right, not too warm, with just enough breeze to cool the sweat on his skin, running was perfect.
On the first morning after boarding the Serenade of The Seas, Warrick had felt that energy that he ached to burn. Some might call it nervous energy, his Grams’ called it Warrick’s unique intuition. Something wasn’t quite right, and he could feel it in the pit of his stomach like an avalanche succumbing to the forces of gravity. It was that feeling that always compelled him to run. As much as he’d love to stay where he was covered by a blanket of Gil, he couldn’t keep still. As softly as he could, he extricated his arm from doing duty as Gil’s pillow and softly placed his lovers head on the more contemporary feather stuffed job his arm had been resting on. Wrapping the covers around his baby, he ghosted a kiss across a salt and peppered temple and quietly slipped out bed, dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, and out the cabin door.
When they’d boarded, the pursor greeted them and explained where all the amenities were. Right now he couldn’t remember any of them save for the fact that the Sport Deck boasted a jogging track. As it was 3:00am in Nevada and 6:00am in Cococay, Bahamas, he reasoned his body clock was just off. He just needed to wear himself out, get back to sleep and everything would be everything again. So he headed for the Sport Deck prepared to run himself ragged. As athletic and in shape as he was, he figured that would probably take about an hour. Just enough time for him to sneak back in bed without Gil being any the wiser. He hoped.
****************
At some point, the fact that the “pillow” Gil’s head was resting on was too soft filtered into his consciousness. Struggling to cling to his delicious dreams of smothering the love of his life with smoldering kisses until he begged for mercy, Gil tried to snuggle deeper into Warrick’s warmth. The lack of Warrick’s presence made itself glaringly apparent at that point, which snapped Gil directly into a startled awakened state. Sitting up in bed and rubbing hand over the crown of his head as if to shake himself to full wakefulness, Gil called out to his lover, “Rick?” Getting no answer, he ambled out of bed to answer the call of nature. Not quite awake, Gil was taking on the arduous task of relieving himself and trying to figure out how to find Warrick on a 2500 passenger cruise ship when the object of his consternation appeared in their Junior Suite.
Finishing up quickly in the restroom, Gil managed to quietly make his way back to the bedroom just in time to catch his lover trying to sneak back into bed. “Trouble sleeping?” he quietly inquired, the tone of his voice only slightly sardonic. He pinned Warrick with the blue gaze that he knew his caused Warrick to spill all his secrets every time. “Not really, just a little unsettled, baby. It’s nothing. I went up the the Sport Deck to take a run, get my body clock on track.” Gil responded with a well executed eye-brow raise as he leaned up against the door way to the bedroom. “Baby, really. It’s nothing. Come back to bed. We have a lot of activities planned for today. We both need to rest.”
Deciding it might be better to catch him in a more vulnerable state, Gil let the memory of his dream stoke the fire in his eyes as he asked, “How much time do we have before our first shore excursion?” Green eyes darkened as Warrick answered without thinking, “About two hours.” His quick response, and equally ready answer told Gil two things. First, he was going to get to make that dream a reality. And two, Warrick was wide awake. Something was definitely on his mind, but he’d get to that later. First, he had to relax him enough to get him to spill.
****************
Who knew Gil could prowl? Warrick should have known Gil wouldn’t stay asleep once he’d gotten out of bed. Maybe if he’d left a note...no that wouldn’t have worked either. Even as his lover slowly unfolded himself from the sexy pose he’d taken up at the door while appraising him, Warrick knew Gil wasn’t going to let it go. He was going to pounce sometime later when Warrick least expected it, but right now, as he watch Gil slowly walk toward the bed while he pinned him with those molten eyes, he felt like prey, and he intended to prove himself a most delicious treat.
Gil stalked to the bed and crawled into position straddling Warrick’s legs. He pinned his lover down by placing his a hand on each of Warrick’s shoulders and said, “Since you’re already sweaty, why don’t you help me get sweaty so I can reset my body clock,” and then proceeded to suck on Warrick’s carotid artery. He licked his way up to his right ear lobe and lightly nipped it with his teeth, drawing a strangled moan from the man between his legs. He ran feather light touches down Warrick’s arms while he nipped his way back down to beautifully sculpted shoulders with his mouth. He relished the deliciously uncontrolled shivers he was causing in his lovers body. He always enjoyed taking control of the big beautiful man like this. That fact that Warrick trusted him enough to let him, that they were in the middle of the ocean, that he could draw such uninhibited responses from this man, all of it has his cock straining against his boxers. He bucked his hardness into Warrick’s tight abs as his hands intertwined with Warrick’s to bring them up over the younger man’s head where he could better control them.
“You have perfect timing. I was just dreaming about you,” he murmured into Warrick’s neck.
“Oh really?” came the moaned reply from Warrick. He was too busy trying to feel more to manage anything else. Those feather light touches were making him squirm in the most delicious ways. Gil ran those sensuous fingers back down his body. Shoulders to arms he passed over barely touching, making the hairs on his arms stand up. Fingers met with lips at Warrick’s nipples where a dexterous tongue drew light circles around the peaks which were now standing up. “Unngg... Gil...,” the pinch of teeth on his nipples made Warrick expel in a groan. Gil’s tongue continued the trail started by his fingers. Nipples to sternum to navel, where he stopped to bury his face in the muscled abdomen, luxuriating there in his lover’s scent. Warrick couldn’t help the buck of his hips. His hands travelled of their own accord to Gil’s head, delicately playing in his hair, massaging his scalp. Rick fought desperately to keep himself from guiding that head lower. Gil responded by kissing his way down his iliac crest on each side, until he reached his intended destination at the base of Rick’s cock where he ran his tongue up the underside to the tip. It twitched and surged in response. “Baby please...,” came out in a gasp as Rick’s long finger’s massaged the back of his neck struggling not to push.
He loved drawing it out like this. Making Warrick writhe in response made him feel not just powerful, but invincible. He was a rational man, but something about the raw honesty of the responses he could draw out of Warrick made it easier for him to believe in the younger man’s love and he reveled in it. Deciding he could push him that much further, he lightly nipped his lover’s inner thighs with his teeth pushing Rick to the edge of his control. He felt those long, strong fingers clasping his shoulders. His gentle lover, trying not to bruise, but also urging him to have mercy and let him have his release. Without stopping, he reached up to grab the lube from where it had landed the night before under his pillow and pressed it into Rick’s chest. His own need becoming more urgent, he placed his hands on those firm hips and took the head of Rick’s cock into his warm mouth and held down as Rick bucked. Relishing the salty flavor that was uniquely Rick’s, he inhaled deeply combining the scent with the flavor. Running his tongue over the slit, he pulled the foreskin back. The vibrations of his lover’s moan sent electricity through his lips and down his spine straight to his own cock making him shudder. He lifted his head to peer into green eyes with glowing flecks of gold staring back at him in wonder.
“INeed you,” he said simply.
Warrick’s control broke. The younger, stronger man flipped them over. He slathered the lube, now warmed by the heat of his hands onto Gil’s throbbing hardness. Nostril’s flaring, he eased his ill prepared body onto his lover without making a sound. His intent was clear in the heat in his eyes and the set of his jaw. Once completely filled, he bent forward to seer Gil’s mouth. “Take me,” rumbled from his chest and into Gil’s ear. Hip’s pumped as if commanded directly from Warrick’s on nervous system. Stroking them both to simultaneous release.
****************
First it was the stares. Being possessed of both superior intelligence and trained investigators, it was difficult for either man not to observe. Warrick, however, had noticed it the day before. Now he watched Gil whose lips were pursed in that familiar expression of contemplation. They new each other so well, and yet they still struggled with communication. Neither of them wanting to ruin peaceful mood that the morning’s lovemaking had bestowed upon them. They had an elephant between them, and both chose to ignore it. “I’m glad you enjoyed the Melittobia exhibit, but right now I could eat a horse,” Rick broke into what he figured was Gil’s bugland contemplations. “After seeing all those insects, you’re still hungry?” Gil’s lips twitched, holding back a smirk. “Well we did sorta skip breakfast.” The heat of the mornings memories dilated two sets of pupils as they both gave in to the chuckles.
Gil straightened up first. Pinning Rick with a stare meant for interrogation. “You seemed to have other things on your mind this morning. Care to share?” Just as Warrick’s poker face was descending across his expression they were interrupted. A rowdy passenger ran head long into Warrick’s back causing all three to stumble. “Oh! I’m so sorry,” the man said to Gil as he reached out to steady himself. “Didn’t see you there,” he continued as he warily watched Warrick. “No harm, no foul,” Rick replied smiling. “Yes, well uh, in a hurry,” he stammered as he shook Gil’s hand. Completely ignoring Rick, he dashed away. A group of three other men jogged up to the couple, briefly stared and continued on after the skittish man calling out to him, “Hey Charlie, wait up.” Gil watched them follow their friend and turned to give his lover a questioning look, noticing the younger man’s obvious tension. Deciding now was not the time or place, he simply said, “What’s for lunch?”
Warrick visibly shook himself mentally and smiled. “You amaze me. Let’s go to Windjammer. I think I have a buffet sized appetite,” he grinned.
Blue eyes twinkled at him, “Buffet size appetite? Are you sure it’s just for food?”
“First we eat,” he said, then pinned Gil with a slightly gazed over look, “then dessert.”
They both laughed as they made their way to the buffet style restaurant just beyond the pool.
****************
A satisfied sigh escaped from Warrick as he pushed back from their dining table. “So what are we going to do for dessert?” he all but purred at his lover with a wicked smile. Glacier blue eyes darkened as Gil snaked his hand across the table to reach for Warrick. Clasping the hand tightly, an arched eyebrow followed twitching lips as he said, “I could think of some things we could do with some ice cream.” Warrick barely stifled a shudder from the visions Gil’s words had inspired. “You, my dear, are a very very naughty, but creative man. All I want to know is,” smiling wickedly as he paused for effect, “vanilla or chocolate?” Lips twitch almost uncontrollably, and he intertwined his fingers with Warrick’s, Gil found he couldn’t resist, “You mean you wouldn’t want a swirl?” The two lovers dissolved into laughter.
Wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes, Gil stood up dragging Warrick with him. “Let’s go find the to-go containers,” he grinned up at his lover. Though spacious, they still had to stand in a rather lengthy line for the soft serve machine at the buffet. As the line had snaked between two serving stations, walking space was a little tight, so Warrick had positioned himself up against Gil’s back and hugged him tight so they could avoid getting knocked and bumped as the various lines moved. For the most part, they managed to stay out of the way, even while Rick nuzzled Gil’s neck on occasion and they temporarily forgot where they were.
Gil was finding the insular atmosphere of the cruise ship made it easy for him to forget his inhibitions. He didn’t know these people, so he could tune them out as if they weren’t really there. This made it easier to indulge in the affectionate displays his lover was so free with. He could simply focus on Warrick and let go of the control he spent so much of his energy on. This was, after all, supposed to be a vacation.
They’d been jostled a couple times by people eager to get to stations where fresh items were being set out, but he and Warrick were in their own little world simply nodded at the hasty “excuse me’s” and moved out of the way. A few times, Gil, people watcher that he was, noticed people seemed to jerk away from the couple as they noticed the couple in their path. A couple times, they went so far as to bump into people in the other lines in an effort to avoid him and Warrick. Finding the behavior puzzling, he knew each time Warrick noticed it as well, as the strong arm around his waist would tighten around him almost as if involuntarily. Puzzled at this, Gil disengaged himself from his lover’s embrace and really focused on the people around him. Were he not trained to see what people fought so very hard to hide, he would’ve missed it. The brief pursing of lips, and some stares that were neither admiring or friendly, but lingered just a hair longer than was necessary. There were even a couple barely suppressed eye rolls.
Then he cocked his head in that way he did when he was close to figuring out a puzzle and studied Warrick. To anyone else, he simply seemed intent on getting his ice cream. His focus was on the line ahead of them, and his stance seemed relaxed, but knowing him as Gil did, he also saw the hidden tension. Warrick was on the balls of his feet as if expecting to have to leap at an instant’s notice. The hand that wasn’t held by Gil was stuffed into his pocket in a tight fist, while the muscles in his forearm were clenched. The older man could also see his jaw occasionally clench when one of those stares happened directly in his lover’s line of vision. Normally observant, Rick’s eyes never moved beyond the line and Gil.
“Something in me is lost, forever lost,
Some vital thine has gone out of my heart,
And I must walk the way of life a ghost
Among the sons of earth, a thing apart.”[1]
Suddenly Gil found himself wishing, again, that they had gone on some secluded trip where they could be alone. While he couldn’t relate to McKay’s cultural struggle, he could relate to feeling socially feeling like he was in no-man’s land. And he wondered if, because of the love they shared, Warrick was feeling the same way. He gave the hand in his a tug. If they couldn’t have the solace of a secluded tent somewhere in the mountains, he would settle for the seclusion of their cabin.
****************
As they walked to the outer deck hand in hand, Grissom watched the warring emotions flit across his lover’s face. He could read Warrick like a book, though he knew the man would be horrified if he ever let on, so he remained silent. His own thoughts were troubled. Both the what he’d seen and his lover’s response to it and what it meant to the both of them were all puzzles he wanted, needed to piece together. He knew that this was why Warrick had been restless, why he’d run. At the same time, it was a distinctly un-Warrick like response to adversity. There was something he was missing, and after what he’d observed, Gil got the distinct impression that something had everything to do with Gil himself. He sighed. “Sweetheart, have you been...uncomfortable on the ship?” His eyes carefully trained on the passing sea, he could still clearly see Warrick out of the corner of his eye. His lover frowned. He grabbed the deck bannister to stop their progress so he could watch Warrick’s face.
Rick was under the microscope. He’d known it was coming, but he wasn’t sure Gil was ready. “I don’t know how to answer that baby.” He brought a hand to the back of his neck to try and ease some of the tension there. Taking a long breath, he forged ahead into the expectant silence. “We’ve been lucky, I guess, Gil. I mean, we...,” he paused searching for the words, “we,” re-emphasizing the word, he continued, “ haven’t really had to, we haven’t talked about this.”
The normally laconic young man was at a loss for words unusual even for him. Dealing with all of the obstacles they’d faced together had been easy compared to this. Gil Grissom was a smart man, but there was no way Warrick could really expect him to have a frame of reference for this. He’d had friends joking him about his choice of lover. Comments about Gil needing a tan. Most of it was good natured, but some of it had been angry. He was not unaccustomed to it, but they’d never faced it together. He didn’t know if, faced with it again and again, it was something Gil would want to continue to have to deal with. He didn’t know if he had even realized that it was something they’d eventually have to face. They lived an insular life. Their schedules and Gil’s social preferences made it easier for them to avoid, but he’d known they couldn’t avoid it forever.
Gil watched Warrick get lost in his thoughts as he struggled to answer his simple question. He tenderly grabbed his lover’s chin, and focused his eyes on him, “Rick, what don’t you want to tell me?”
Warrick closed his eyes, “You know we couldn’t avoid it forever. How much of this do you really want to deal with? We never talk about it. I used to think it was because you were, you know, okay with it.” He opened his eyes again.
“But..” Gil said.
Inhaling, Rick continued, “But...Look, I try not to look for it. I’m always trying to find another reason. That last trip, I figured it was just our relationship. I thought with this trip, it would be cool. We could just be, together. But, you’ve seen the looks. Haven’t you felt it? The discomfort? I...I can’t ignore it anymore baby. I’m tired of ignoring it.” He closed his eyes again, and said softly, “I’m tired of you ignoring it.”
##################
Part III
Warrick wished he could say he felt like taking the words back once they were out of his mouth, but he also knew he owed Gil the truth, and no truer words had been spoken. Taking in his lover’s stricken expression, he forged on to soften the blow.
“Do you remember what you told Nicky when we were on the Bradford case?”
Gil pursed his lips and cocked his head recalling the case. Siblings, Hayden and Allison, they both suffered from Hypertrichosis. The crew had internally referred to it as the werewolf case. He remembered, but he didn’t understand what that had to do with the here and now.
“The twins with Hypertrichosis. Yes I remember the case. I’m afraid I don’t remember what I said to Nick, or what it’s got to do with what just happened.” He gave Warrick his full attention, assuming his observant expression, urging him to continue, hoping it masked both his confusion and his pain. His instincts told him his feelings were not important right now. Right now Warrick was opening up to him, it seemed, in a way he’d never done before.
Nodding, Warrick continued, the fingers of his hand unconsciously curling around his lovers. “When we discovered Allison had spent her entire life hidden because of her appearance, all that hair, you said to Nick, ‘Imagine if you had some deep, dark secret ... something that brought you tremendous shame. But instead of being able to hide it away, you had to wear it out on your skin, so that the first time anyone saw you, they saw your secret.’ That is exactly what every day is like for me Gil. The difference is, I’m more than just what people see on the outside, that’s obvious by my eyes. Even further, the shame is not mine. I’m not ashamed of who I am, but I have to deal with other people’s shame every day. Their hatred, their ignorance, their fear.” He paused, trying to control the emotions that threatened to overwhelm him. The anger, the exhaustion, the frustration he battled so often that it was second nature threatened to overcome him as he tried to get Gil to see, to understand what it was like to be in his skin. It was the hardest thing he’d ever have to do in his life. And he prayed that Gil would understand, that he wouldn’t have to do it again. He inhaled slowly and continued.
“Hayden and Allison had a choice Gil, and so do you. Even if only for a couple hours, they had a choice. They could shave. They could hide their shame. It would have been a lot of work. Would have been inconvenient, but it was a choice. The same way you have a choice.” Fighting the roiling anxiety in his stomach, Warrick continued, more honest with Gil than he’d ever been.
“I have made that choice easy for you, by not telling you about the anger people express to me about us, and by not sharing with you how I feel about what others have said. I know you don’t care what people think. For the most part, I can’t allow myself to either. That doesn’t make hearing it any easier. And there will be times when I can’t just ignore it. Times like now. Times like today when someone clearly isn’t comfortable not because of what we are to each other, but because of me. I realize that I have to allow you to make that choice for yourself. I need to know...” He faltered, too afraid of what Gil would say.
Gil felt his world spinning. The pain he say in Warrick’s eyes was unlike anything he’d ever seen in the man. He’d seen him angry countless times, and had counseled the sensitive man on controlling his emotions. He’d seen him afraid. He’d seen, or so he thought, just about every emotion imaginable out of the his expressive lover. Yet, this was different. This was raw, and scary, and almost too much. His mind reeled at the strength of it. He could hear every word Warrick was saying, could sense the importance, but could not process. His grip tightened on the hand holding his as if it might slip away. “Rick, just tell me what you need,” he pleaded.
“I don’t know.” It came out in a gut wrenching whine that startled them both. Warrick coughed, clearing his throat while trying to mask his embarrassment. “I guess I just need... I need to know that I can express these things to you and how I feel about them without you running away horrified. I want to feel like I can share everything with you Gil. I mean, I already do, just not this. I’ve been too afraid to share this. And haven’t had to until now. I... you... you turning inside yourself on this one isn’t gonna get it man.” And with that Warrick turned away, bracing himself against the railing for the inevitable.
Gil tried to focus on what Rick was saying. Tried to mentally shield himself from his lover’s obvious pain if only so he could process. He hated not responding to that pain, and even worse, not understanding his role in it. He tried to catalogue what he could understand. He knew that their relationship would garner negative responses. He’d feared it and experienced it. Apparently, he hadn’t experienced even a tenth of what Warrick had experienced. As intensely private as he was, he hadn’t had the opportunity. Their last cruise experience had been the worst he’d experienced so far. His mother, Warrick’s family, their mutual friends, such that Gil had friends, had all been surprised, but understanding and welcoming, even happy for them. He knew people judged, but having no dealings with them, and no interest in doing so, he’d simply put it out of his mind. And just like that, he was pole-axed into understanding.
He couldn’t believe he’d been so blind. Rick had been protecting him, and hurting himself at the same time. Gil realized he had to actively choose, in a way that Warrick could see, to confront that resentment. He had failed to make him realize that Rick’s pain was his pain. Suddenly his mind was overwhelmed with questions. How had he managed to keep this in for so long? They’d talked about and worked on his temper in a professional capacity, but this was personal. This was ... this was something Gil had to choose to deal with and he didn’t know how. He didn’t know what Warrick needed from him and it terrified him. This wasn’t simply about being outraged at intolerance. That he could do and had done. Warrick needed more, something Gil didn’t yet understand, and he realized it was something he wasn’t sure he ever could.
He looked up at his lover, saw the resigned set of his jaw and it hurt. Rick was expecting him not to understand. He didn’t expect him to try. That angered Gil. After all this time, after everything they’d been through together, after all the personal barriers he’d broken down for Warrick, here was another one. And Warrick didn’t believe Gil could clear it. That stung more than he ever thought anything could. “Warrick,” Gil started, trying to stifle his own roiling emotions. He couldn’t bear the thought of them not making it beyond this hurdle. He couldn’t lose Rick. Not when they’d come so far.
“Rick. Look at me.”
Closed off green eyes met his blue ones.
“Rick,” Gil said, firmly grabbing toned triceps. “You don’t have to shield me from your anger. You just have to tell me where its coming from,” he squeezed the arms in his grips. “I need you Ricky. All of you. At times, that need frightens me, but I’m finding I can’t do without it. Whatever it is. You can share it with me. ‘Learning starts with failure; the first failure is the beginning of education.’[2] I can’t fail and learn if you won’t let me.”
Warrick let out a breath he wasn’t even aware he’d been holding. “You have no idea how much I want to share with you. How angry I get. How angry I stay. Day in and day out. I don’t want to frighten you with that anger because I know you think I can’t control it. The truth is I do control it so much more than you know, but sometimes I need to let it out. Sometimes, I have to let it consume me, let it burn. I couldn’t stand it if I did that, and you turned away. I never in a million years imagined I’d be here with you. In love with a man for one, and a white one at that. But I do love you, more than I thought I could love anyone. You have to know where that anger comes from and understand that while it isn’t you it is a part of you. I don’t keep hate in my heart. You know that. At the same time, I need to be able to express my anger at something that is apart of you that you can’t take off like a suit at the end of the day. I need to know that you can understand that. I need to know that you can stand hearing that.” He leaned closer to Gil so that his forehead rested on the shorter man’s. “I need you to be able to see clearly that my anger is not about you, but what you, through nothing you can change, represent.”
Needing to be absolutely clear, in a way that is uniquely Grissom, Gil said, “You need to be able to come home and complain about white people without me getting defensive or being afraid that you’ll transfer that anger to me. Is that what you’re saying?”
Warrick closed his eyes, and nodded. “Succinctly put.”
Gil placed his hands on each side of Warrick’s face, gently thumbing the light stubble, and placed a sweet, gentle kiss on full lips. “Rick, you have broken every barrier I’ve spent a lifetime building around myself. Only you. I trust you with my life. I ...,” he faltered. Expressing his feelings had always been difficult for Gil, even in spite of how much he felt for the young man standing before him. “I couldn’t begin to believe you’d ever hurt me willfully, at this point, even if I tried. Your emotions frighten me simply because you’re so much more expressive than I can ever imagine being, not because of what you express. You’ve brought me so much that I simply don’t know how to doubt what you feel for me anymore. I’d like to think you feel the same way.” He rested his head on Warrick’s shoulder as he pulled the taller man closer. Breathing in Warrick’s scent deeply and slowly, as if to strengthen himself, he continued, “You can share with me anything and everything you feel Rick. I can’t run away from you, at this point. You are a part of me now, my very being. You have bared all of me, and I need all of you. I love you.”
Warrick squeezed Gil closer to him. Lining their bodies up perfectly, he released a sigh of relief. “Just knowing that you want to face it makes all the difference in the world. You have me, baby. All of me, I’m not going anywhere.”
##################
1 - - Claude McKay ‘Outcast’
2 - - John Hersey
Author: sapphobrown/pclarity
Category: Angst, Drama, Established Relationship, Hurt-Comfort
Rating: FRAO/NC-17
Pairings: Warrick/Gil
Status of Story: 1/1
Spoilers: Season 6 Ep 11 Werewolves
Summary: Gil and Warrick decide to try their luck at a second cruise to the Bahamas. This time it will be a cruise line that caters to same sex couples. The first one did not go so well because they kept hearing that this was a family ship and mothers were clutching their children to their breast and the men thought Gil and Warrick wanted them. So they take the cruise and learn that prejudice is everywhere.
Disclaimers: CSI Characters Warrick Brown and Gil Grissom are the express property of CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer and anybody else not me who has their hand in the pot. Serenade of the Seas is the express property of Royal Carribean Cruise lines and anybody else not me who has their hand in the pot. Although Royal Carribean does offer same-sex cruise events on the Serenade of The Seas, it generally goes to San Juan (when speaking of the Carribean) and not Nassau, Bahamas, so a little creative license was taken there.
Part I
Grissom was conflicted. On the one hand, he wanted to make his lover happy. On the other hand, a gay cruise? It wasn’t that he had a problem with the cruise catering specifically to same-sex couples. No, he reasoned, that might make it better than the last cruise they’d taken. Gil had been shocked at the reactions of some of the passengers to the presence of he and Warrick as a couple on the ship. They’d claimed to be worried about their kids. Grissom had been bowled over. How could anyone think that way? He considered himself an odd duck, and he knew people tended to be judgmental, but even in his line of work, the leap from homosexual to pedophile was an unbelievable stretch.
No, Gil’s problem was dealing with the restraint required of them when in public. He preferred to stay at home. Being with Warrick Brown had unleashed a damn of emotional control so ingrained in him, it was almost as if he was learning how to feel for the first time in his life. Allowing himself to feel, with Warrick, had become addictive. He couldn’t control it, but he was still too intensely private and closed to allow himself free reign when they were with others. He didn’t care if they stayed in a cabin, a tent, or even the cab of a truck, as long as it was just He and Warrick. Gil felt like he could stay that way forever, but he knew he couldn’t lock himself and his gregarious lover into a cocoon, no matter how much he wanted to, so he’d agreed to go on a cruise again.
Sighing, he continued his packing. They were due to fly out in about four hours. He just didn’t understand why Warrick was so insistent on repeating the cruise experience gay or not. They didn’t have to do this. Strong arms circled his waist as a kiss from the softest lips graced his neck. “You got everything?” Warrick murmured against his neck. Gil turned to face his lover, fitting himself more closely into the embrace. “You know, we could still go camping in the mountains. Just you, me, and nature,” he mumbled into the firm shoulder he was nuzzling.
Warrick released him as he took a step back to study his lover. Those crystal clear azure irises were like a tunnel into Gil’s soul, if you knew how to look. Just then, Warrick thought he almost saw a hint of pleading. Rubbing his hand across the back of his neck, as if to soothe some unseen tension he blew out a breath. Choosing his words carefully he said, “Baby, we shouldn’t have to always isolate ourselves. We deserve to travel and enjoy the sights like anyone else,” biting back the frustrated tone he knew was creeping into his voice, he continued, “I love you, and I want to experience the world with you, not just the small slice we’ve been able to carve out for ourselves. It’ll be fun. Trust me.”
As a devilish grin crept across his mouth, he said, “Besides, wouldn’t you like to be taken on a white sandy beach in the heat of the midday sun?” Blue soul tunnels suddenly turned almost black at the stretching of Gil’s pupils. Warrick decided to push his advantage. Grabbing Gil back into his arms, he nipped at the throbbing artery on his neck as he said, “Besides, the Bahamian National Insect Collection has a newly discovered species of Melittobia on display.” Gil gasped and jerked out of Warrick’s embrace, “I’m almost finished packing. In fact, just let me get done, and we can get to the airport early. You know how security keeps changing. Wouldn’t want to run into problems that might cause us to miss the flight.”
Warrick turned away trying to stifle his chuckles, as Gil obliviously went about finishing his meticulous packing with renewed haste.
##################
Part II
Warrick Brown was antsy. Well, one couldn’t really call it antsy. Ever since he was a child, with the music his mother put in his heart, he’d had these peculiar bouts of random energy. Hardly a hyper-active child, he’d been interested in all sorts of things, but the things that fed his mind captured his attention the most. Unfortunately, that meant he stayed on the skinny side because he rarely played sports or got any recreational exercise. He hated running. When it came to playing basketball in P.E., he loved dribbling the ball, using his hands, working out the plays, but he hated the running. Calisthenic drills were nightmares. The same went for soccer, football, and anything else that might have found him running laps. Running hurt. He much preferred to burn his energy doing random things around his Grams’ house. Usually this consisted of him dancing his little butt off to whatever was the popular record of the week. But sometimes, he would run. Sometimes running was almost an instinctual release for that energy. Sometimes, when the weather was just right, not too warm, with just enough breeze to cool the sweat on his skin, running was perfect.
On the first morning after boarding the Serenade of The Seas, Warrick had felt that energy that he ached to burn. Some might call it nervous energy, his Grams’ called it Warrick’s unique intuition. Something wasn’t quite right, and he could feel it in the pit of his stomach like an avalanche succumbing to the forces of gravity. It was that feeling that always compelled him to run. As much as he’d love to stay where he was covered by a blanket of Gil, he couldn’t keep still. As softly as he could, he extricated his arm from doing duty as Gil’s pillow and softly placed his lovers head on the more contemporary feather stuffed job his arm had been resting on. Wrapping the covers around his baby, he ghosted a kiss across a salt and peppered temple and quietly slipped out bed, dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, and out the cabin door.
When they’d boarded, the pursor greeted them and explained where all the amenities were. Right now he couldn’t remember any of them save for the fact that the Sport Deck boasted a jogging track. As it was 3:00am in Nevada and 6:00am in Cococay, Bahamas, he reasoned his body clock was just off. He just needed to wear himself out, get back to sleep and everything would be everything again. So he headed for the Sport Deck prepared to run himself ragged. As athletic and in shape as he was, he figured that would probably take about an hour. Just enough time for him to sneak back in bed without Gil being any the wiser. He hoped.
****************
At some point, the fact that the “pillow” Gil’s head was resting on was too soft filtered into his consciousness. Struggling to cling to his delicious dreams of smothering the love of his life with smoldering kisses until he begged for mercy, Gil tried to snuggle deeper into Warrick’s warmth. The lack of Warrick’s presence made itself glaringly apparent at that point, which snapped Gil directly into a startled awakened state. Sitting up in bed and rubbing hand over the crown of his head as if to shake himself to full wakefulness, Gil called out to his lover, “Rick?” Getting no answer, he ambled out of bed to answer the call of nature. Not quite awake, Gil was taking on the arduous task of relieving himself and trying to figure out how to find Warrick on a 2500 passenger cruise ship when the object of his consternation appeared in their Junior Suite.
Finishing up quickly in the restroom, Gil managed to quietly make his way back to the bedroom just in time to catch his lover trying to sneak back into bed. “Trouble sleeping?” he quietly inquired, the tone of his voice only slightly sardonic. He pinned Warrick with the blue gaze that he knew his caused Warrick to spill all his secrets every time. “Not really, just a little unsettled, baby. It’s nothing. I went up the the Sport Deck to take a run, get my body clock on track.” Gil responded with a well executed eye-brow raise as he leaned up against the door way to the bedroom. “Baby, really. It’s nothing. Come back to bed. We have a lot of activities planned for today. We both need to rest.”
Deciding it might be better to catch him in a more vulnerable state, Gil let the memory of his dream stoke the fire in his eyes as he asked, “How much time do we have before our first shore excursion?” Green eyes darkened as Warrick answered without thinking, “About two hours.” His quick response, and equally ready answer told Gil two things. First, he was going to get to make that dream a reality. And two, Warrick was wide awake. Something was definitely on his mind, but he’d get to that later. First, he had to relax him enough to get him to spill.
****************
Who knew Gil could prowl? Warrick should have known Gil wouldn’t stay asleep once he’d gotten out of bed. Maybe if he’d left a note...no that wouldn’t have worked either. Even as his lover slowly unfolded himself from the sexy pose he’d taken up at the door while appraising him, Warrick knew Gil wasn’t going to let it go. He was going to pounce sometime later when Warrick least expected it, but right now, as he watch Gil slowly walk toward the bed while he pinned him with those molten eyes, he felt like prey, and he intended to prove himself a most delicious treat.
Gil stalked to the bed and crawled into position straddling Warrick’s legs. He pinned his lover down by placing his a hand on each of Warrick’s shoulders and said, “Since you’re already sweaty, why don’t you help me get sweaty so I can reset my body clock,” and then proceeded to suck on Warrick’s carotid artery. He licked his way up to his right ear lobe and lightly nipped it with his teeth, drawing a strangled moan from the man between his legs. He ran feather light touches down Warrick’s arms while he nipped his way back down to beautifully sculpted shoulders with his mouth. He relished the deliciously uncontrolled shivers he was causing in his lovers body. He always enjoyed taking control of the big beautiful man like this. That fact that Warrick trusted him enough to let him, that they were in the middle of the ocean, that he could draw such uninhibited responses from this man, all of it has his cock straining against his boxers. He bucked his hardness into Warrick’s tight abs as his hands intertwined with Warrick’s to bring them up over the younger man’s head where he could better control them.
“You have perfect timing. I was just dreaming about you,” he murmured into Warrick’s neck.
“Oh really?” came the moaned reply from Warrick. He was too busy trying to feel more to manage anything else. Those feather light touches were making him squirm in the most delicious ways. Gil ran those sensuous fingers back down his body. Shoulders to arms he passed over barely touching, making the hairs on his arms stand up. Fingers met with lips at Warrick’s nipples where a dexterous tongue drew light circles around the peaks which were now standing up. “Unngg... Gil...,” the pinch of teeth on his nipples made Warrick expel in a groan. Gil’s tongue continued the trail started by his fingers. Nipples to sternum to navel, where he stopped to bury his face in the muscled abdomen, luxuriating there in his lover’s scent. Warrick couldn’t help the buck of his hips. His hands travelled of their own accord to Gil’s head, delicately playing in his hair, massaging his scalp. Rick fought desperately to keep himself from guiding that head lower. Gil responded by kissing his way down his iliac crest on each side, until he reached his intended destination at the base of Rick’s cock where he ran his tongue up the underside to the tip. It twitched and surged in response. “Baby please...,” came out in a gasp as Rick’s long finger’s massaged the back of his neck struggling not to push.
He loved drawing it out like this. Making Warrick writhe in response made him feel not just powerful, but invincible. He was a rational man, but something about the raw honesty of the responses he could draw out of Warrick made it easier for him to believe in the younger man’s love and he reveled in it. Deciding he could push him that much further, he lightly nipped his lover’s inner thighs with his teeth pushing Rick to the edge of his control. He felt those long, strong fingers clasping his shoulders. His gentle lover, trying not to bruise, but also urging him to have mercy and let him have his release. Without stopping, he reached up to grab the lube from where it had landed the night before under his pillow and pressed it into Rick’s chest. His own need becoming more urgent, he placed his hands on those firm hips and took the head of Rick’s cock into his warm mouth and held down as Rick bucked. Relishing the salty flavor that was uniquely Rick’s, he inhaled deeply combining the scent with the flavor. Running his tongue over the slit, he pulled the foreskin back. The vibrations of his lover’s moan sent electricity through his lips and down his spine straight to his own cock making him shudder. He lifted his head to peer into green eyes with glowing flecks of gold staring back at him in wonder.
“INeed you,” he said simply.
Warrick’s control broke. The younger, stronger man flipped them over. He slathered the lube, now warmed by the heat of his hands onto Gil’s throbbing hardness. Nostril’s flaring, he eased his ill prepared body onto his lover without making a sound. His intent was clear in the heat in his eyes and the set of his jaw. Once completely filled, he bent forward to seer Gil’s mouth. “Take me,” rumbled from his chest and into Gil’s ear. Hip’s pumped as if commanded directly from Warrick’s on nervous system. Stroking them both to simultaneous release.
****************
First it was the stares. Being possessed of both superior intelligence and trained investigators, it was difficult for either man not to observe. Warrick, however, had noticed it the day before. Now he watched Gil whose lips were pursed in that familiar expression of contemplation. They new each other so well, and yet they still struggled with communication. Neither of them wanting to ruin peaceful mood that the morning’s lovemaking had bestowed upon them. They had an elephant between them, and both chose to ignore it. “I’m glad you enjoyed the Melittobia exhibit, but right now I could eat a horse,” Rick broke into what he figured was Gil’s bugland contemplations. “After seeing all those insects, you’re still hungry?” Gil’s lips twitched, holding back a smirk. “Well we did sorta skip breakfast.” The heat of the mornings memories dilated two sets of pupils as they both gave in to the chuckles.
Gil straightened up first. Pinning Rick with a stare meant for interrogation. “You seemed to have other things on your mind this morning. Care to share?” Just as Warrick’s poker face was descending across his expression they were interrupted. A rowdy passenger ran head long into Warrick’s back causing all three to stumble. “Oh! I’m so sorry,” the man said to Gil as he reached out to steady himself. “Didn’t see you there,” he continued as he warily watched Warrick. “No harm, no foul,” Rick replied smiling. “Yes, well uh, in a hurry,” he stammered as he shook Gil’s hand. Completely ignoring Rick, he dashed away. A group of three other men jogged up to the couple, briefly stared and continued on after the skittish man calling out to him, “Hey Charlie, wait up.” Gil watched them follow their friend and turned to give his lover a questioning look, noticing the younger man’s obvious tension. Deciding now was not the time or place, he simply said, “What’s for lunch?”
Warrick visibly shook himself mentally and smiled. “You amaze me. Let’s go to Windjammer. I think I have a buffet sized appetite,” he grinned.
Blue eyes twinkled at him, “Buffet size appetite? Are you sure it’s just for food?”
“First we eat,” he said, then pinned Gil with a slightly gazed over look, “then dessert.”
They both laughed as they made their way to the buffet style restaurant just beyond the pool.
****************
A satisfied sigh escaped from Warrick as he pushed back from their dining table. “So what are we going to do for dessert?” he all but purred at his lover with a wicked smile. Glacier blue eyes darkened as Gil snaked his hand across the table to reach for Warrick. Clasping the hand tightly, an arched eyebrow followed twitching lips as he said, “I could think of some things we could do with some ice cream.” Warrick barely stifled a shudder from the visions Gil’s words had inspired. “You, my dear, are a very very naughty, but creative man. All I want to know is,” smiling wickedly as he paused for effect, “vanilla or chocolate?” Lips twitch almost uncontrollably, and he intertwined his fingers with Warrick’s, Gil found he couldn’t resist, “You mean you wouldn’t want a swirl?” The two lovers dissolved into laughter.
Wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes, Gil stood up dragging Warrick with him. “Let’s go find the to-go containers,” he grinned up at his lover. Though spacious, they still had to stand in a rather lengthy line for the soft serve machine at the buffet. As the line had snaked between two serving stations, walking space was a little tight, so Warrick had positioned himself up against Gil’s back and hugged him tight so they could avoid getting knocked and bumped as the various lines moved. For the most part, they managed to stay out of the way, even while Rick nuzzled Gil’s neck on occasion and they temporarily forgot where they were.
Gil was finding the insular atmosphere of the cruise ship made it easy for him to forget his inhibitions. He didn’t know these people, so he could tune them out as if they weren’t really there. This made it easier to indulge in the affectionate displays his lover was so free with. He could simply focus on Warrick and let go of the control he spent so much of his energy on. This was, after all, supposed to be a vacation.
They’d been jostled a couple times by people eager to get to stations where fresh items were being set out, but he and Warrick were in their own little world simply nodded at the hasty “excuse me’s” and moved out of the way. A few times, Gil, people watcher that he was, noticed people seemed to jerk away from the couple as they noticed the couple in their path. A couple times, they went so far as to bump into people in the other lines in an effort to avoid him and Warrick. Finding the behavior puzzling, he knew each time Warrick noticed it as well, as the strong arm around his waist would tighten around him almost as if involuntarily. Puzzled at this, Gil disengaged himself from his lover’s embrace and really focused on the people around him. Were he not trained to see what people fought so very hard to hide, he would’ve missed it. The brief pursing of lips, and some stares that were neither admiring or friendly, but lingered just a hair longer than was necessary. There were even a couple barely suppressed eye rolls.
Then he cocked his head in that way he did when he was close to figuring out a puzzle and studied Warrick. To anyone else, he simply seemed intent on getting his ice cream. His focus was on the line ahead of them, and his stance seemed relaxed, but knowing him as Gil did, he also saw the hidden tension. Warrick was on the balls of his feet as if expecting to have to leap at an instant’s notice. The hand that wasn’t held by Gil was stuffed into his pocket in a tight fist, while the muscles in his forearm were clenched. The older man could also see his jaw occasionally clench when one of those stares happened directly in his lover’s line of vision. Normally observant, Rick’s eyes never moved beyond the line and Gil.
“Something in me is lost, forever lost,
Some vital thine has gone out of my heart,
And I must walk the way of life a ghost
Among the sons of earth, a thing apart.”[1]
Suddenly Gil found himself wishing, again, that they had gone on some secluded trip where they could be alone. While he couldn’t relate to McKay’s cultural struggle, he could relate to feeling socially feeling like he was in no-man’s land. And he wondered if, because of the love they shared, Warrick was feeling the same way. He gave the hand in his a tug. If they couldn’t have the solace of a secluded tent somewhere in the mountains, he would settle for the seclusion of their cabin.
****************
As they walked to the outer deck hand in hand, Grissom watched the warring emotions flit across his lover’s face. He could read Warrick like a book, though he knew the man would be horrified if he ever let on, so he remained silent. His own thoughts were troubled. Both the what he’d seen and his lover’s response to it and what it meant to the both of them were all puzzles he wanted, needed to piece together. He knew that this was why Warrick had been restless, why he’d run. At the same time, it was a distinctly un-Warrick like response to adversity. There was something he was missing, and after what he’d observed, Gil got the distinct impression that something had everything to do with Gil himself. He sighed. “Sweetheart, have you been...uncomfortable on the ship?” His eyes carefully trained on the passing sea, he could still clearly see Warrick out of the corner of his eye. His lover frowned. He grabbed the deck bannister to stop their progress so he could watch Warrick’s face.
Rick was under the microscope. He’d known it was coming, but he wasn’t sure Gil was ready. “I don’t know how to answer that baby.” He brought a hand to the back of his neck to try and ease some of the tension there. Taking a long breath, he forged ahead into the expectant silence. “We’ve been lucky, I guess, Gil. I mean, we...,” he paused searching for the words, “we,” re-emphasizing the word, he continued, “ haven’t really had to, we haven’t talked about this.”
The normally laconic young man was at a loss for words unusual even for him. Dealing with all of the obstacles they’d faced together had been easy compared to this. Gil Grissom was a smart man, but there was no way Warrick could really expect him to have a frame of reference for this. He’d had friends joking him about his choice of lover. Comments about Gil needing a tan. Most of it was good natured, but some of it had been angry. He was not unaccustomed to it, but they’d never faced it together. He didn’t know if, faced with it again and again, it was something Gil would want to continue to have to deal with. He didn’t know if he had even realized that it was something they’d eventually have to face. They lived an insular life. Their schedules and Gil’s social preferences made it easier for them to avoid, but he’d known they couldn’t avoid it forever.
Gil watched Warrick get lost in his thoughts as he struggled to answer his simple question. He tenderly grabbed his lover’s chin, and focused his eyes on him, “Rick, what don’t you want to tell me?”
Warrick closed his eyes, “You know we couldn’t avoid it forever. How much of this do you really want to deal with? We never talk about it. I used to think it was because you were, you know, okay with it.” He opened his eyes again.
“But..” Gil said.
Inhaling, Rick continued, “But...Look, I try not to look for it. I’m always trying to find another reason. That last trip, I figured it was just our relationship. I thought with this trip, it would be cool. We could just be, together. But, you’ve seen the looks. Haven’t you felt it? The discomfort? I...I can’t ignore it anymore baby. I’m tired of ignoring it.” He closed his eyes again, and said softly, “I’m tired of you ignoring it.”
##################
Part III
Warrick wished he could say he felt like taking the words back once they were out of his mouth, but he also knew he owed Gil the truth, and no truer words had been spoken. Taking in his lover’s stricken expression, he forged on to soften the blow.
“Do you remember what you told Nicky when we were on the Bradford case?”
Gil pursed his lips and cocked his head recalling the case. Siblings, Hayden and Allison, they both suffered from Hypertrichosis. The crew had internally referred to it as the werewolf case. He remembered, but he didn’t understand what that had to do with the here and now.
“The twins with Hypertrichosis. Yes I remember the case. I’m afraid I don’t remember what I said to Nick, or what it’s got to do with what just happened.” He gave Warrick his full attention, assuming his observant expression, urging him to continue, hoping it masked both his confusion and his pain. His instincts told him his feelings were not important right now. Right now Warrick was opening up to him, it seemed, in a way he’d never done before.
Nodding, Warrick continued, the fingers of his hand unconsciously curling around his lovers. “When we discovered Allison had spent her entire life hidden because of her appearance, all that hair, you said to Nick, ‘Imagine if you had some deep, dark secret ... something that brought you tremendous shame. But instead of being able to hide it away, you had to wear it out on your skin, so that the first time anyone saw you, they saw your secret.’ That is exactly what every day is like for me Gil. The difference is, I’m more than just what people see on the outside, that’s obvious by my eyes. Even further, the shame is not mine. I’m not ashamed of who I am, but I have to deal with other people’s shame every day. Their hatred, their ignorance, their fear.” He paused, trying to control the emotions that threatened to overwhelm him. The anger, the exhaustion, the frustration he battled so often that it was second nature threatened to overcome him as he tried to get Gil to see, to understand what it was like to be in his skin. It was the hardest thing he’d ever have to do in his life. And he prayed that Gil would understand, that he wouldn’t have to do it again. He inhaled slowly and continued.
“Hayden and Allison had a choice Gil, and so do you. Even if only for a couple hours, they had a choice. They could shave. They could hide their shame. It would have been a lot of work. Would have been inconvenient, but it was a choice. The same way you have a choice.” Fighting the roiling anxiety in his stomach, Warrick continued, more honest with Gil than he’d ever been.
“I have made that choice easy for you, by not telling you about the anger people express to me about us, and by not sharing with you how I feel about what others have said. I know you don’t care what people think. For the most part, I can’t allow myself to either. That doesn’t make hearing it any easier. And there will be times when I can’t just ignore it. Times like now. Times like today when someone clearly isn’t comfortable not because of what we are to each other, but because of me. I realize that I have to allow you to make that choice for yourself. I need to know...” He faltered, too afraid of what Gil would say.
Gil felt his world spinning. The pain he say in Warrick’s eyes was unlike anything he’d ever seen in the man. He’d seen him angry countless times, and had counseled the sensitive man on controlling his emotions. He’d seen him afraid. He’d seen, or so he thought, just about every emotion imaginable out of the his expressive lover. Yet, this was different. This was raw, and scary, and almost too much. His mind reeled at the strength of it. He could hear every word Warrick was saying, could sense the importance, but could not process. His grip tightened on the hand holding his as if it might slip away. “Rick, just tell me what you need,” he pleaded.
“I don’t know.” It came out in a gut wrenching whine that startled them both. Warrick coughed, clearing his throat while trying to mask his embarrassment. “I guess I just need... I need to know that I can express these things to you and how I feel about them without you running away horrified. I want to feel like I can share everything with you Gil. I mean, I already do, just not this. I’ve been too afraid to share this. And haven’t had to until now. I... you... you turning inside yourself on this one isn’t gonna get it man.” And with that Warrick turned away, bracing himself against the railing for the inevitable.
Gil tried to focus on what Rick was saying. Tried to mentally shield himself from his lover’s obvious pain if only so he could process. He hated not responding to that pain, and even worse, not understanding his role in it. He tried to catalogue what he could understand. He knew that their relationship would garner negative responses. He’d feared it and experienced it. Apparently, he hadn’t experienced even a tenth of what Warrick had experienced. As intensely private as he was, he hadn’t had the opportunity. Their last cruise experience had been the worst he’d experienced so far. His mother, Warrick’s family, their mutual friends, such that Gil had friends, had all been surprised, but understanding and welcoming, even happy for them. He knew people judged, but having no dealings with them, and no interest in doing so, he’d simply put it out of his mind. And just like that, he was pole-axed into understanding.
He couldn’t believe he’d been so blind. Rick had been protecting him, and hurting himself at the same time. Gil realized he had to actively choose, in a way that Warrick could see, to confront that resentment. He had failed to make him realize that Rick’s pain was his pain. Suddenly his mind was overwhelmed with questions. How had he managed to keep this in for so long? They’d talked about and worked on his temper in a professional capacity, but this was personal. This was ... this was something Gil had to choose to deal with and he didn’t know how. He didn’t know what Warrick needed from him and it terrified him. This wasn’t simply about being outraged at intolerance. That he could do and had done. Warrick needed more, something Gil didn’t yet understand, and he realized it was something he wasn’t sure he ever could.
He looked up at his lover, saw the resigned set of his jaw and it hurt. Rick was expecting him not to understand. He didn’t expect him to try. That angered Gil. After all this time, after everything they’d been through together, after all the personal barriers he’d broken down for Warrick, here was another one. And Warrick didn’t believe Gil could clear it. That stung more than he ever thought anything could. “Warrick,” Gil started, trying to stifle his own roiling emotions. He couldn’t bear the thought of them not making it beyond this hurdle. He couldn’t lose Rick. Not when they’d come so far.
“Rick. Look at me.”
Closed off green eyes met his blue ones.
“Rick,” Gil said, firmly grabbing toned triceps. “You don’t have to shield me from your anger. You just have to tell me where its coming from,” he squeezed the arms in his grips. “I need you Ricky. All of you. At times, that need frightens me, but I’m finding I can’t do without it. Whatever it is. You can share it with me. ‘Learning starts with failure; the first failure is the beginning of education.’[2] I can’t fail and learn if you won’t let me.”
Warrick let out a breath he wasn’t even aware he’d been holding. “You have no idea how much I want to share with you. How angry I get. How angry I stay. Day in and day out. I don’t want to frighten you with that anger because I know you think I can’t control it. The truth is I do control it so much more than you know, but sometimes I need to let it out. Sometimes, I have to let it consume me, let it burn. I couldn’t stand it if I did that, and you turned away. I never in a million years imagined I’d be here with you. In love with a man for one, and a white one at that. But I do love you, more than I thought I could love anyone. You have to know where that anger comes from and understand that while it isn’t you it is a part of you. I don’t keep hate in my heart. You know that. At the same time, I need to be able to express my anger at something that is apart of you that you can’t take off like a suit at the end of the day. I need to know that you can understand that. I need to know that you can stand hearing that.” He leaned closer to Gil so that his forehead rested on the shorter man’s. “I need you to be able to see clearly that my anger is not about you, but what you, through nothing you can change, represent.”
Needing to be absolutely clear, in a way that is uniquely Grissom, Gil said, “You need to be able to come home and complain about white people without me getting defensive or being afraid that you’ll transfer that anger to me. Is that what you’re saying?”
Warrick closed his eyes, and nodded. “Succinctly put.”
Gil placed his hands on each side of Warrick’s face, gently thumbing the light stubble, and placed a sweet, gentle kiss on full lips. “Rick, you have broken every barrier I’ve spent a lifetime building around myself. Only you. I trust you with my life. I ...,” he faltered. Expressing his feelings had always been difficult for Gil, even in spite of how much he felt for the young man standing before him. “I couldn’t begin to believe you’d ever hurt me willfully, at this point, even if I tried. Your emotions frighten me simply because you’re so much more expressive than I can ever imagine being, not because of what you express. You’ve brought me so much that I simply don’t know how to doubt what you feel for me anymore. I’d like to think you feel the same way.” He rested his head on Warrick’s shoulder as he pulled the taller man closer. Breathing in Warrick’s scent deeply and slowly, as if to strengthen himself, he continued, “You can share with me anything and everything you feel Rick. I can’t run away from you, at this point. You are a part of me now, my very being. You have bared all of me, and I need all of you. I love you.”
Warrick squeezed Gil closer to him. Lining their bodies up perfectly, he released a sigh of relief. “Just knowing that you want to face it makes all the difference in the world. You have me, baby. All of me, I’m not going anywhere.”
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1 - - Claude McKay ‘Outcast’
2 - - John Hersey