A song to fit my situation...
I'm the son of rage and love
The Jesus of Suburbia
From the bible of "none of the above"
On a steady diet of
Soda-pop and Ritalin
No one ever died for my sins in hell
As far as I can tell
At least the ones I got away with
But there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a Land of Make Believe
That don't believe in me
Get my television fix
Sitting on my crucifix
The living room or my private womb
While the moms and Brads are away
To fall in love and fall in debt
To alcohol and cigarettes and Mary-Jane
To keep me insane, doing someone else's cocaine
And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a Land of Make Believe
That don't believe in me
--
Dearly beloved, are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure
Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed?
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse
--
Everyone's so full of shit!
Born and raised by hypocrites
Hearts recycled but never saved
From the cradle to the grave
We are the kids of war and peace
From Anaheim to the Middle East
We are the stories and disciples
Of the Jesus of Suburbia
Land of Make Believe
And it don't believe in me
Land of Make Believe
And it don't believe
And I don't care!
--
To live and not to breathe is to die in tragedy
To run, to run away
To find what to believe
And I leave behind this hurricane of fucking lies
I lost my faith to this
This town that don't exist
So I run, I run away
To the light of masochist
And I leave behind this hurricane of fucking lies
And I walked this line
A million and one fucking times
But not this time!
I don't feel any shame
I won't apologize
When there ain't nowhere you can go
Running away from pain
When you've been victimized
Tales from another broken home
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm in a rather contemplative mood tonight, and this song's really speaking to me. With all the shit that's going on with my father leaving home and a really bad impending divorce, I feel like I've semi-involuntarily run away to college. While I'd like to be there to help the situation (I don't know how), I know that being here is more important to my future.
Sadly, I've come to the age where I do have to worry about my future more than the things around me. For once, I have to be selfish about what I become. And it scares me a bit. While school is a lot like the last couple years (do well on tests, get a good grade, blah blah blah), it's a lot more serious than high school. If I fail here, there's very little to turn to. Community college back in my hometown, that's about it.
I can't do that. I'd let everybody down, including myself. I know a part of me right now is saying "What do you care? Everything's falling apart around you, why fight it?" and I know I'm thinking stupid thoughts. However, a lot of the time they make more sense than the "Keep fighting it and come out on top".
At the same time, as I said before, I can't fail. I have to suceed or else there will be absolutely nothing for me but a 5.15 (or whatever minimum wage is) job saying 'You want fries with that? Cause I'm not worth anything else to you, customer, am I? Just call me 'Fry-Lord', cause that's all I am to you."
Yay, self-motivational speeches...they're not doing a lick of good on a cold, lonely Friday night in my dorm.
I'm so sick of reality. All reality is anymore is going to class, taking notes, leaving classes to come back to my dorm to hear more shit about how life is falling apart. Who would *want* my life right now?
Of course, I can answer that with "Someone who can't afford school, stupid" but it seems like a hollow answer.
When I walk down the street, I see people who appear to have virtually no problems of real value. Sure, they may be fighting with their significant other or may be in trouble with their parents, but that's all they have to worry about.
My father, every time we've moved in recent years, has said "This is the last move. We can settle down and get comfortable with this" or something similar, and he's been wrong each and every single time. Now that I think about it, I've never lived in one house more than a few years (except base housing when I was little; I don't count that cause I dont' remember most of it). Why should I settle down? I'm still half-packed from my last move; just look in my closet and on top of my bookcases.
And now he's left entirely. He also left me with the burden of "Now that you've finished high school, my job as being a father is complete" and up and left. By saying that, he implied that I was the only reason he stuck around; while I know that's probably more true than I'd like to admit, it also says that I don't matter once I'm out of high school because he left me.
I'm sure I'm hurting more than I'm willing to admit, and I'm admitting a lot. But I don't honestly know if he cares at this point. I can't tell what he's thinking or predict his actions well anymore. He's stopped being Dad and he's become Michael C. Jordan, the person that is my biological father and seems to want nothing to do with me. I don't understand that; while it's irrational and illogical to blame myself for him leaving, I sometimes find myself doing just that. I know he left because of problems between he and Mom. But he's being stupid and I want to know why. However, I could never ask that to him and expect a truly honest and thought-out answer, and therefore I cannot ask.
So, I've blocked my father on my instant messaging clients. I think he's already figured that out, because he's stopped sending me emails. Apparently he had to leave Costa Rica for 72 hours so he could renew his visa for free. Officially, I guess I don't know that cause I haven't been informed by the source of that information. I've been told that by my sister and mother.
I never wanted a rift to grow between my father and I. There was no reason; we always got along well, I could ask him any question and he would answer it to the best of his ability. And I would do the same for him; it gave each of us mutual respect and love for each other that I'll probably never have with anybody else.
And he has thrown that all away. I don't know why.
I know that the people who read this will say "Why do you still care about him? He's being a complete asshole; dump him!" I know that. However, I can't do that. It'd be like you cutting off a piece of yourself happily and willingly; you'd look at me and say "Are you stupid or something? I LIKE my hand where it is, thanks!"
Mom's been nagging me to go to the mental services here on campus. Frankly, I don't wish to because I've had bad luck before and I'm sick of talking about my problems to people who listen to me for 60 mins at a time and then say "Sorry, Matthew, but we're out of time. Come back next week?"
What I need is a friend who knows me and listens to me to be here in person - I appreciate the attention over the Web, but it's still insufficient for my wishes. I need a hug--something I can't exactly get over the Internet without crushing or damaging my laptop somehow. Also, laptops don't return hugs, just error messages and sparks.
This is why I go crazy every weekend if I don't go home. I sit here and think. I hate thinking; I think about bad stuff when I think. I go over past events in my head and say "Nice move, stupid" or formulate possible arguments with people over circumstances that might happen, or I think about exactly why people do such inexplicable things (i.e my father). It's very self-destructive.
My roomate's asked me "Why do you play so many stupid video games? I hate how I always walk in here and you're playing a game." I have no answer; the entirety of the above is why I play video games; it's an effective release from reality and I can think about things that aren't part of my current situation.
Frankly, I don't know what I'm going to do as of this point. I know I'm going to go to class, take notes, take tests occasionally, but that's it. That's all my life's become; wake up, classes I hate, eat, classes I hate just as much, sleep. The repetitiveness of it all's getting to me quite quickly.
I'm just saying I'm sick of this, and there's no way out that I can see as of this point.
[raises glass] A toast: To family, happiness and security! [throws glass and breaks it]
--Matthew
The Jesus of Suburbia
From the bible of "none of the above"
On a steady diet of
Soda-pop and Ritalin
No one ever died for my sins in hell
As far as I can tell
At least the ones I got away with
But there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a Land of Make Believe
That don't believe in me
Get my television fix
Sitting on my crucifix
The living room or my private womb
While the moms and Brads are away
To fall in love and fall in debt
To alcohol and cigarettes and Mary-Jane
To keep me insane, doing someone else's cocaine
And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a Land of Make Believe
That don't believe in me
--
Dearly beloved, are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure
Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed?
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse
--
Everyone's so full of shit!
Born and raised by hypocrites
Hearts recycled but never saved
From the cradle to the grave
We are the kids of war and peace
From Anaheim to the Middle East
We are the stories and disciples
Of the Jesus of Suburbia
Land of Make Believe
And it don't believe in me
Land of Make Believe
And it don't believe
And I don't care!
--
To live and not to breathe is to die in tragedy
To run, to run away
To find what to believe
And I leave behind this hurricane of fucking lies
I lost my faith to this
This town that don't exist
So I run, I run away
To the light of masochist
And I leave behind this hurricane of fucking lies
And I walked this line
A million and one fucking times
But not this time!
I don't feel any shame
I won't apologize
When there ain't nowhere you can go
Running away from pain
When you've been victimized
Tales from another broken home
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm in a rather contemplative mood tonight, and this song's really speaking to me. With all the shit that's going on with my father leaving home and a really bad impending divorce, I feel like I've semi-involuntarily run away to college. While I'd like to be there to help the situation (I don't know how), I know that being here is more important to my future.
Sadly, I've come to the age where I do have to worry about my future more than the things around me. For once, I have to be selfish about what I become. And it scares me a bit. While school is a lot like the last couple years (do well on tests, get a good grade, blah blah blah), it's a lot more serious than high school. If I fail here, there's very little to turn to. Community college back in my hometown, that's about it.
I can't do that. I'd let everybody down, including myself. I know a part of me right now is saying "What do you care? Everything's falling apart around you, why fight it?" and I know I'm thinking stupid thoughts. However, a lot of the time they make more sense than the "Keep fighting it and come out on top".
At the same time, as I said before, I can't fail. I have to suceed or else there will be absolutely nothing for me but a 5.15 (or whatever minimum wage is) job saying 'You want fries with that? Cause I'm not worth anything else to you, customer, am I? Just call me 'Fry-Lord', cause that's all I am to you."
Yay, self-motivational speeches...they're not doing a lick of good on a cold, lonely Friday night in my dorm.
I'm so sick of reality. All reality is anymore is going to class, taking notes, leaving classes to come back to my dorm to hear more shit about how life is falling apart. Who would *want* my life right now?
Of course, I can answer that with "Someone who can't afford school, stupid" but it seems like a hollow answer.
When I walk down the street, I see people who appear to have virtually no problems of real value. Sure, they may be fighting with their significant other or may be in trouble with their parents, but that's all they have to worry about.
My father, every time we've moved in recent years, has said "This is the last move. We can settle down and get comfortable with this" or something similar, and he's been wrong each and every single time. Now that I think about it, I've never lived in one house more than a few years (except base housing when I was little; I don't count that cause I dont' remember most of it). Why should I settle down? I'm still half-packed from my last move; just look in my closet and on top of my bookcases.
And now he's left entirely. He also left me with the burden of "Now that you've finished high school, my job as being a father is complete" and up and left. By saying that, he implied that I was the only reason he stuck around; while I know that's probably more true than I'd like to admit, it also says that I don't matter once I'm out of high school because he left me.
I'm sure I'm hurting more than I'm willing to admit, and I'm admitting a lot. But I don't honestly know if he cares at this point. I can't tell what he's thinking or predict his actions well anymore. He's stopped being Dad and he's become Michael C. Jordan, the person that is my biological father and seems to want nothing to do with me. I don't understand that; while it's irrational and illogical to blame myself for him leaving, I sometimes find myself doing just that. I know he left because of problems between he and Mom. But he's being stupid and I want to know why. However, I could never ask that to him and expect a truly honest and thought-out answer, and therefore I cannot ask.
So, I've blocked my father on my instant messaging clients. I think he's already figured that out, because he's stopped sending me emails. Apparently he had to leave Costa Rica for 72 hours so he could renew his visa for free. Officially, I guess I don't know that cause I haven't been informed by the source of that information. I've been told that by my sister and mother.
I never wanted a rift to grow between my father and I. There was no reason; we always got along well, I could ask him any question and he would answer it to the best of his ability. And I would do the same for him; it gave each of us mutual respect and love for each other that I'll probably never have with anybody else.
And he has thrown that all away. I don't know why.
I know that the people who read this will say "Why do you still care about him? He's being a complete asshole; dump him!" I know that. However, I can't do that. It'd be like you cutting off a piece of yourself happily and willingly; you'd look at me and say "Are you stupid or something? I LIKE my hand where it is, thanks!"
Mom's been nagging me to go to the mental services here on campus. Frankly, I don't wish to because I've had bad luck before and I'm sick of talking about my problems to people who listen to me for 60 mins at a time and then say "Sorry, Matthew, but we're out of time. Come back next week?"
What I need is a friend who knows me and listens to me to be here in person - I appreciate the attention over the Web, but it's still insufficient for my wishes. I need a hug--something I can't exactly get over the Internet without crushing or damaging my laptop somehow. Also, laptops don't return hugs, just error messages and sparks.
This is why I go crazy every weekend if I don't go home. I sit here and think. I hate thinking; I think about bad stuff when I think. I go over past events in my head and say "Nice move, stupid" or formulate possible arguments with people over circumstances that might happen, or I think about exactly why people do such inexplicable things (i.e my father). It's very self-destructive.
My roomate's asked me "Why do you play so many stupid video games? I hate how I always walk in here and you're playing a game." I have no answer; the entirety of the above is why I play video games; it's an effective release from reality and I can think about things that aren't part of my current situation.
Frankly, I don't know what I'm going to do as of this point. I know I'm going to go to class, take notes, take tests occasionally, but that's it. That's all my life's become; wake up, classes I hate, eat, classes I hate just as much, sleep. The repetitiveness of it all's getting to me quite quickly.
I'm just saying I'm sick of this, and there's no way out that I can see as of this point.
[raises glass] A toast: To family, happiness and security! [throws glass and breaks it]
--Matthew