(no subject)
I feel slightly depressed... but not in a sad way... i feel more... uncomfortable with my certain reality. I was talking to JJ about it. What struck me was a picture i found about a year ago. Ben and I were posing happily in the photograph... my dad being all "expert photographer" about it. I hung the picture up on my shelf because it made me feel happy when i saw it. It was a naive happiness however... it always made me feel a little bit strange.... and now i know why. Recently I came to find that the frame of the picture was lying on my floor broken... and the picture was spralled somewhere about my room. It made me feel bad because of the direction in which ben's life has gone... and how we grew apart. Ben was my life i suppose... in a way. I had no friends besides him... i spent my life with him as a child... now he lives in arizona... and is on drugs. He came to visit over the summer.... but i only saw him twice... he left without saying goodbye. I just found out that he has been gone. That happening.... made me take another look at the picture. We were posing. Were we happy? Or was it just a set up for the picture? Was i ever happy? Or is my life a photo-album. I always talk about how i miss living in skokie... how i miss everyone being together... that it was the good times. But really... it all feels fake now. I can not remember a single happy event. All i remember is bad. I always hear stories of happy or funny things... there are tons of pictures of me smiling... but i dont know if any of it is real. It creeps me out... and i dont know what to do. How am i to know that all my friends aren't fake? I always hear people talk about how much they hate someone, yet they go and be friendly with them... i dont understand the need to act... the need to make things uncertain. Its all really frightening...
In other news... i just found out that my parents have been going to marriage counseling... I think they still love each other.... but i hope that if for some reason they dont... that they get divorced. Because i would so much rather have them apart and happy then together and sad. Its just wrong to pretend. It puts me through a lot... because they take all their anger out on me. My mom has being even more psychotic that usual and my dad has been an ass lately... it makes me feel like i dont love them anymore... it makes me feel like i dont love anyone. Or that anyone loves me. Alex told me once that everyone has someone that they would want to spend the rest of their life with. He said no one would pick him... but i think hes wrong. On the other hand i dont think anyone would pick me... it doesn't have to just be a lover... it can be a friend or a family member... i dont think anyone would pick me... not even vanessa... not even my mom or my dad or my grandma... no one. I'm not sure i would pick anyone either... seeing what spending too much time with people does...somehow i would rather die alone and lonely... i would be able to sleep better knowing no one will ever be there. Its the uncertainty that troubles me, not the negligence.
In other news... i just found out that my parents have been going to marriage counseling... I think they still love each other.... but i hope that if for some reason they dont... that they get divorced. Because i would so much rather have them apart and happy then together and sad. Its just wrong to pretend. It puts me through a lot... because they take all their anger out on me. My mom has being even more psychotic that usual and my dad has been an ass lately... it makes me feel like i dont love them anymore... it makes me feel like i dont love anyone. Or that anyone loves me. Alex told me once that everyone has someone that they would want to spend the rest of their life with. He said no one would pick him... but i think hes wrong. On the other hand i dont think anyone would pick me... it doesn't have to just be a lover... it can be a friend or a family member... i dont think anyone would pick me... not even vanessa... not even my mom or my dad or my grandma... no one. I'm not sure i would pick anyone either... seeing what spending too much time with people does...somehow i would rather die alone and lonely... i would be able to sleep better knowing no one will ever be there. Its the uncertainty that troubles me, not the negligence.