Overdue Update
Uh, yeah…I’ve gotten WAY behind in my journaling…
Where to even start? Well, I guess going of the themes of my last several posts: I chose NOT to end things with Mr. Cruise at this point. Part of it was a financial decision (kind of silly, I know…but I had probably $800 in future plans tied up for us), and part of it was because even though stuff was feeling kind of funky, I didn’t see an immediate need to rush out of the situation. Yes, there were some red flags there…but it’s not like I see him every day, so his daily influence in my life at this point is somewhat limited. Meaning there was no rush to get out or anything. So given these things that came about with further thought and reflection, I decided to go to Vegas as planned.
Turned out I had a GREAT time in Vegas, even if I was extremely worn out and not much of a party animal for the entire trip. I actually pooped out and slept through the main birthday party…and like the final night, Mr. Cruise went out with a friend of his from Vegas until like 4 AM…yeah, I was fast asleep in bed by 11 PM. Whatever. It was fun…and one of the things that the trip clarified is that despite some of my concerns about my relationship with Mr. Cruise…I really, truly love him. I feel at peace when I am with him. There is a strong draw to each other. We just view the world in such a similar way. And it’s just so easy in general to be with him.
So anyway, that was Vegas…drove home Monday, spent Tuesday exhausted as hell from the drive home (and therefore didn’t get much of my cleaning done for the following week), and the Wednesday went in for the thyroid surgery. My surgery was late in the afternoon which REALLY sucked….the day really dragged. Then they were really running slow in pre-op…I was there for like 2+ hours before anyone would give me the Versed. Yes, I realize that makes me sound like an addict…but really, I was freaked by that point…and I just wanted some relief! I fell asleep weeping on the table (told them I needed more Versed damn it). Woke up VERY uncomfortable…which kind of surprised me. I’ve had A LOT of major surgery (all abdominal)…and I was expecting this to be mildly uncomfortable. Ha! That really wasn’t the case. The incisicion felt like I was being stabbed in the neck with a knife, I could barely talk, and swallowing anything was a challenge. They started dosing me with Morphine in recovery…and gave me extra Versed to calm me down prior to transferring me to my room for the night. Well, that turned out to be a good thing….I had the Charge Nurse from Hell once I got up to my room for the night.
Explain this one to me: I went in a week before surgery to the hospital for a pre-op appointment. I gave them a very thorough health history and a typed medication list (with detailed doseage info), and went over all this information with an RN at that time. When I got to the hospital for my surgery that afternoon, they had pretty much asked all the same questions again (um, hello? Why did I bother coming in the week before?). So I was flat-out PISSED when the Charge Nurse from Hell stormed into my room (after I got out of recovery - the room I was going to stay in until I was released from the hospital) and stared playing 20 Questions again. Keep in mind I’ve just had surgery that affected my vocal cord region…the nerves are trashed, and it is pretty much torture to talk. Oh…and she wants me to spit out detailed information about my medical past while I’m coming out of anesthesia on a good dose of Morphine and Versed. *Snort*. My friends who were there with me at that point were apauled. The Charge Nurse from Hell grilled me for 55 MINUTERS - ALL OVER INFO THAT HAD BEEN PROVIDED TWICE IN THE PAST WEEK TO THE HOSPITAL!!! Wow…I was hurting, and I was pissed. She didn’t really give a fuck, even when I brought up the discomfort and the fact that I had already gone through all this stuff several times. Said it was “standard procedure”. The icing on the cake was that when she was done making notations in my chart, she slams it shut and storms out of the room…doesn’t even say “goodnight, thank you, or feel better.” I felt that was HIGHLY unprofessional, and I tried to file a complaint with the hospital the next morning when her supervisor was on duty. Well, that person kind of blew me off too. Good thing my friends took detailed notes the night of the incident…I am going to contact the hospital again and file another complaint. That was hands-down the worst hospital experience I ever had.
The rest of the stay in hospital was pretty much crap too. I was having trouble with pain control and anxiety, so I was highly doped up on Roxicet, Morphine, and Ativan most of the two days I was there. The entire stay, nurses were very non-responsive. I would occaisionally hit the call button (usually because I was in pain and miserable - I needed another dose of pain meds)…and no one would answer either in person or over the intercom system. WTF? I would then beep back at the 15-20 minute mark….then they might answer back on the intercom system another 5 minutes later or so…only to tell me they were busy, they’d be with me eventually. I get that they get busy - but why does it take 25+ minutes for me to even get that info? I was hitting that call button for a reason…what if it has been a more urgent one?
But anyway, I survived the two nights I was there (barely). Frankly, I don’t even remember getting home. The “good” news out of the whole thing was that the biopsies came back showing the tumor as being benign. Which is great….but damn, why the fuck does it take so much pain and misery to establish that?!
I had my post-op surgery appointment with the surgeon today. I told him quite frankly how miserable I’m feeling. He says my neck looks good from his perspective. The swelling isn’t bad and the incision looks good. Yes, my throat looks a little irritated still from the breathing tube/nerve sensors during surgery…but totally normal and within reason. He said it’s normal to feel this way…it can last for 6 weeks or so. WTF?! I’m at my ropes end with this pain and exhaustion…but apparently they don’t care or there really isn’t anything they can do. So I guess I have to just gut it out.
So that’s the low-down on surgery. But there is more in my life. So long story short, I did the most irresponsible thing ever and totally blew my job off. I didn’t contact them at all prior to the last day of my FMLA, nor did I contact them when it ended yesterday. I expect I’ll be getting a termination letter in the mail from them any day. The honest to God truth on that one is that I just couldn’t deal with even calling them. My mood has been crazy erratic since the surgery…and this would 100% have pushed me over the edge. Actually, I spent all afternoon Sunday with an intake counselor at local inpatient mental health hospital because I was feeling so unstable. I was very careful to NOT say anything that would specifically get me admitted…but they tried VERY hard to get me to voluntarily check in. I tried (I want to feel better), but really, when it came down to it, I couldn’t make the jump. Checking into the hospital really doesn’t ever solve anything for me. It just gets me to the point where I’ll tell them whatever the fuck they want to hear in order to be released after a certain point.
But back to my main point: I pulled what had to be one of the biggest no call/no shows in the history of the world. But you know what? Fuck it. I got my confirmation from the universe that I was making the right choice to quit my job and go back to school full -time to graduate in December. I was causually purusing the state job posting board (as I usually do a few times quickly each week)…and my office had just posted for another position. It was to replace the Village Idiot (thank goodness), who had originally been a part-time position at a lower pay grade than mine because her duties, responsibilities, and required computer skills were significantly less than mine. Well, they posted for her job as a full-time position…only they posted it at a higher paid grade than mine! WTF?! That was such a slap in the face. I’ve mentioned at appropriate times that I felt my job was misclassified based on my duties, and they always blew me off. To see them post this particular “less stressful” job at a higher pay grade was a complete insult. I’m not stupid…I’m sure they kind of did it on purpose…but really, what it does mean for me is that I’m done there. I’m sick of being fucked with. I’m not trying to sound like “that” state employee, but I was doing a majorly disproportionate amount of work in that office in comparison to others…to see them bump the lower position up above mine was a major insult. I don’t need that. I don’t mind working hard (in fact, I prefer it)…but I need to work somewhere with other employees who share that same work ethic. Otherwise I just turn into a bitter bitch who doesn’t give a fuck.
So anyway, that part of my life is over. After some soul-searching and whatnot: I’m going to finish school and probably move back east to join Mr. Cruise (not necessarily co-habitation, but to find a location nearby where we could still see each other regularly). At first I just wanted to bust out of town and get a fresh start now, but the truth of the matter is that I’m 23 credits away from graduating at my current school. That’s like 8 credits this summer and 15 credits this fall. Totally do-able. I did look at transferring to a few other school, specifically in NY or MA…but frankly I’d need to move there a year in advance of school to establish residency (instead of paying out of state tuition). But even then, the cost to finish my degree would be like $10,000-$15,000+ (yes, after waiting a full year to start) because I’d most likely have to take 2-3 full semesters in residency (depending on the school/which credits transfer) in order to finish up. School out here will be this summer, this fall, and then I’m DONE…all for about $5,000 total in tuition. As much as I want to rush out to be near Mr. Cruise, it just makes more sense logically to suck it up and finish up out here. I can then pick up after graduation in December and get a fresh start out east. It may take a few months to line up work and rent out my condo here, but I will have enough of a cushion to pull that off. Yeah, in this market it makes more sense to rent my condo. My market rent for my until is about $215 more a month than I pay in mortgage/HOA fees. I’m better off just holding on to it for now. And I wouldn’t even mind possibly coming back here, someday if Mr. Cruise could come back with me. It’s just that he’s not going to be in a position to move this direction any time soon (or at least as soon as hoped) due to family drama…and frankly, he’s the one of us with a real job right now. I need to wrap stuff up and be employed before having him make that kind of jump out here to join me.
So that’s what’s going on with me. This surgery REALLY kicked my ass. I am hoping each day it will get better, but so far it seems kind of like the days are all the same. I did finally today think to try a cough drop, duh. That actually provided some much needed relief for my scratch throat. Hopefully this is the tail end of feeling shitty. I want to feel human again. I start school again full-time on May 16th. I need to be in solid condition by then.
Where to even start? Well, I guess going of the themes of my last several posts: I chose NOT to end things with Mr. Cruise at this point. Part of it was a financial decision (kind of silly, I know…but I had probably $800 in future plans tied up for us), and part of it was because even though stuff was feeling kind of funky, I didn’t see an immediate need to rush out of the situation. Yes, there were some red flags there…but it’s not like I see him every day, so his daily influence in my life at this point is somewhat limited. Meaning there was no rush to get out or anything. So given these things that came about with further thought and reflection, I decided to go to Vegas as planned.
Turned out I had a GREAT time in Vegas, even if I was extremely worn out and not much of a party animal for the entire trip. I actually pooped out and slept through the main birthday party…and like the final night, Mr. Cruise went out with a friend of his from Vegas until like 4 AM…yeah, I was fast asleep in bed by 11 PM. Whatever. It was fun…and one of the things that the trip clarified is that despite some of my concerns about my relationship with Mr. Cruise…I really, truly love him. I feel at peace when I am with him. There is a strong draw to each other. We just view the world in such a similar way. And it’s just so easy in general to be with him.
So anyway, that was Vegas…drove home Monday, spent Tuesday exhausted as hell from the drive home (and therefore didn’t get much of my cleaning done for the following week), and the Wednesday went in for the thyroid surgery. My surgery was late in the afternoon which REALLY sucked….the day really dragged. Then they were really running slow in pre-op…I was there for like 2+ hours before anyone would give me the Versed. Yes, I realize that makes me sound like an addict…but really, I was freaked by that point…and I just wanted some relief! I fell asleep weeping on the table (told them I needed more Versed damn it). Woke up VERY uncomfortable…which kind of surprised me. I’ve had A LOT of major surgery (all abdominal)…and I was expecting this to be mildly uncomfortable. Ha! That really wasn’t the case. The incisicion felt like I was being stabbed in the neck with a knife, I could barely talk, and swallowing anything was a challenge. They started dosing me with Morphine in recovery…and gave me extra Versed to calm me down prior to transferring me to my room for the night. Well, that turned out to be a good thing….I had the Charge Nurse from Hell once I got up to my room for the night.
Explain this one to me: I went in a week before surgery to the hospital for a pre-op appointment. I gave them a very thorough health history and a typed medication list (with detailed doseage info), and went over all this information with an RN at that time. When I got to the hospital for my surgery that afternoon, they had pretty much asked all the same questions again (um, hello? Why did I bother coming in the week before?). So I was flat-out PISSED when the Charge Nurse from Hell stormed into my room (after I got out of recovery - the room I was going to stay in until I was released from the hospital) and stared playing 20 Questions again. Keep in mind I’ve just had surgery that affected my vocal cord region…the nerves are trashed, and it is pretty much torture to talk. Oh…and she wants me to spit out detailed information about my medical past while I’m coming out of anesthesia on a good dose of Morphine and Versed. *Snort*. My friends who were there with me at that point were apauled. The Charge Nurse from Hell grilled me for 55 MINUTERS - ALL OVER INFO THAT HAD BEEN PROVIDED TWICE IN THE PAST WEEK TO THE HOSPITAL!!! Wow…I was hurting, and I was pissed. She didn’t really give a fuck, even when I brought up the discomfort and the fact that I had already gone through all this stuff several times. Said it was “standard procedure”. The icing on the cake was that when she was done making notations in my chart, she slams it shut and storms out of the room…doesn’t even say “goodnight, thank you, or feel better.” I felt that was HIGHLY unprofessional, and I tried to file a complaint with the hospital the next morning when her supervisor was on duty. Well, that person kind of blew me off too. Good thing my friends took detailed notes the night of the incident…I am going to contact the hospital again and file another complaint. That was hands-down the worst hospital experience I ever had.
The rest of the stay in hospital was pretty much crap too. I was having trouble with pain control and anxiety, so I was highly doped up on Roxicet, Morphine, and Ativan most of the two days I was there. The entire stay, nurses were very non-responsive. I would occaisionally hit the call button (usually because I was in pain and miserable - I needed another dose of pain meds)…and no one would answer either in person or over the intercom system. WTF? I would then beep back at the 15-20 minute mark….then they might answer back on the intercom system another 5 minutes later or so…only to tell me they were busy, they’d be with me eventually. I get that they get busy - but why does it take 25+ minutes for me to even get that info? I was hitting that call button for a reason…what if it has been a more urgent one?
But anyway, I survived the two nights I was there (barely). Frankly, I don’t even remember getting home. The “good” news out of the whole thing was that the biopsies came back showing the tumor as being benign. Which is great….but damn, why the fuck does it take so much pain and misery to establish that?!
I had my post-op surgery appointment with the surgeon today. I told him quite frankly how miserable I’m feeling. He says my neck looks good from his perspective. The swelling isn’t bad and the incision looks good. Yes, my throat looks a little irritated still from the breathing tube/nerve sensors during surgery…but totally normal and within reason. He said it’s normal to feel this way…it can last for 6 weeks or so. WTF?! I’m at my ropes end with this pain and exhaustion…but apparently they don’t care or there really isn’t anything they can do. So I guess I have to just gut it out.
So that’s the low-down on surgery. But there is more in my life. So long story short, I did the most irresponsible thing ever and totally blew my job off. I didn’t contact them at all prior to the last day of my FMLA, nor did I contact them when it ended yesterday. I expect I’ll be getting a termination letter in the mail from them any day. The honest to God truth on that one is that I just couldn’t deal with even calling them. My mood has been crazy erratic since the surgery…and this would 100% have pushed me over the edge. Actually, I spent all afternoon Sunday with an intake counselor at local inpatient mental health hospital because I was feeling so unstable. I was very careful to NOT say anything that would specifically get me admitted…but they tried VERY hard to get me to voluntarily check in. I tried (I want to feel better), but really, when it came down to it, I couldn’t make the jump. Checking into the hospital really doesn’t ever solve anything for me. It just gets me to the point where I’ll tell them whatever the fuck they want to hear in order to be released after a certain point.
But back to my main point: I pulled what had to be one of the biggest no call/no shows in the history of the world. But you know what? Fuck it. I got my confirmation from the universe that I was making the right choice to quit my job and go back to school full -time to graduate in December. I was causually purusing the state job posting board (as I usually do a few times quickly each week)…and my office had just posted for another position. It was to replace the Village Idiot (thank goodness), who had originally been a part-time position at a lower pay grade than mine because her duties, responsibilities, and required computer skills were significantly less than mine. Well, they posted for her job as a full-time position…only they posted it at a higher paid grade than mine! WTF?! That was such a slap in the face. I’ve mentioned at appropriate times that I felt my job was misclassified based on my duties, and they always blew me off. To see them post this particular “less stressful” job at a higher pay grade was a complete insult. I’m not stupid…I’m sure they kind of did it on purpose…but really, what it does mean for me is that I’m done there. I’m sick of being fucked with. I’m not trying to sound like “that” state employee, but I was doing a majorly disproportionate amount of work in that office in comparison to others…to see them bump the lower position up above mine was a major insult. I don’t need that. I don’t mind working hard (in fact, I prefer it)…but I need to work somewhere with other employees who share that same work ethic. Otherwise I just turn into a bitter bitch who doesn’t give a fuck.
So anyway, that part of my life is over. After some soul-searching and whatnot: I’m going to finish school and probably move back east to join Mr. Cruise (not necessarily co-habitation, but to find a location nearby where we could still see each other regularly). At first I just wanted to bust out of town and get a fresh start now, but the truth of the matter is that I’m 23 credits away from graduating at my current school. That’s like 8 credits this summer and 15 credits this fall. Totally do-able. I did look at transferring to a few other school, specifically in NY or MA…but frankly I’d need to move there a year in advance of school to establish residency (instead of paying out of state tuition). But even then, the cost to finish my degree would be like $10,000-$15,000+ (yes, after waiting a full year to start) because I’d most likely have to take 2-3 full semesters in residency (depending on the school/which credits transfer) in order to finish up. School out here will be this summer, this fall, and then I’m DONE…all for about $5,000 total in tuition. As much as I want to rush out to be near Mr. Cruise, it just makes more sense logically to suck it up and finish up out here. I can then pick up after graduation in December and get a fresh start out east. It may take a few months to line up work and rent out my condo here, but I will have enough of a cushion to pull that off. Yeah, in this market it makes more sense to rent my condo. My market rent for my until is about $215 more a month than I pay in mortgage/HOA fees. I’m better off just holding on to it for now. And I wouldn’t even mind possibly coming back here, someday if Mr. Cruise could come back with me. It’s just that he’s not going to be in a position to move this direction any time soon (or at least as soon as hoped) due to family drama…and frankly, he’s the one of us with a real job right now. I need to wrap stuff up and be employed before having him make that kind of jump out here to join me.
So that’s what’s going on with me. This surgery REALLY kicked my ass. I am hoping each day it will get better, but so far it seems kind of like the days are all the same. I did finally today think to try a cough drop, duh. That actually provided some much needed relief for my scratch throat. Hopefully this is the tail end of feeling shitty. I want to feel human again. I start school again full-time on May 16th. I need to be in solid condition by then.