Next?
I’m debating cancelling my trip to Vegas with Mr. Cruise.
I know he would still go and have a good time; we are meeting up with a HUGE group of people for a party. I would still pay for my half of the hotel room. I think he’d be bummed if I didn’t go, but I also think he would potentially still have a good time without me. In fact, he might have a better time if I didn’t go…I’m a huge kill joy right now.
Is it even wise to be pursuing a relationship with someone when I am so clearly unstable? Is it fair to them? Or me? I’ve probably got to make some tough choices in the coming days. Mr. Cruise knows I’m depressed…but I don’t think he really “knows” about how serious things are right now. I’ve kind of shielded him from that. At least the worst bits of it. I guess part of the problem too is that I sound rational and calm when people speak with me. I don’t think people realize the full mental anguish I’m experiencing right now. And truthfully, I’m very scared to be too honest or clear with the doctors…and even friends to a certain extent. I don’t want the doctors to toss me in the hospital, and I’m scared of scaring my friends.
Why am I so scared of the hospital? On one level, it has to do with the fact that it’s like I’m admitting failure, that I can’t do something well. In this case, it’s kind of the ultimate failure in admitting you can do “life” well. Also, there are a number of scary people there. Part of me genuinely gets scared and nervous around that…but also I feel scared that I am like some of those scary people. They just SEEM insane. I don’t want to be viewed that way. And this is going to be a very rude statement, but I promise there is much truth behind it: many of them are just stupid. It’s frustrating be locked up with a bunch of people who are morons. You often find it difficult to find a common ground and therefore even things to talk about. I don’t get their issues, and they don’t get mine. We’re just on different playing fields. And last but definitely not least: if I am hospitalized, I will have absolutely no one to come visit me. I don’t have family here, and a lot of my friends just couldn’t handle it. Heck, they couldn’t even help me move home…I am doubtful they would step up in this matter. Even with my cats; I doubt there is a friend who would step up and take care of them while this all was happening. With not working, I really don’t have the extra money to board them through this indefinite ordeal. I would need someone to commit to caring for my cats, and I just don’t think anyone would.
Okay, it’s time to head off to the primary care physician for the moment of truth. If she can’t step in and help, I really don’t know what’s next.
I know he would still go and have a good time; we are meeting up with a HUGE group of people for a party. I would still pay for my half of the hotel room. I think he’d be bummed if I didn’t go, but I also think he would potentially still have a good time without me. In fact, he might have a better time if I didn’t go…I’m a huge kill joy right now.
Is it even wise to be pursuing a relationship with someone when I am so clearly unstable? Is it fair to them? Or me? I’ve probably got to make some tough choices in the coming days. Mr. Cruise knows I’m depressed…but I don’t think he really “knows” about how serious things are right now. I’ve kind of shielded him from that. At least the worst bits of it. I guess part of the problem too is that I sound rational and calm when people speak with me. I don’t think people realize the full mental anguish I’m experiencing right now. And truthfully, I’m very scared to be too honest or clear with the doctors…and even friends to a certain extent. I don’t want the doctors to toss me in the hospital, and I’m scared of scaring my friends.
Why am I so scared of the hospital? On one level, it has to do with the fact that it’s like I’m admitting failure, that I can’t do something well. In this case, it’s kind of the ultimate failure in admitting you can do “life” well. Also, there are a number of scary people there. Part of me genuinely gets scared and nervous around that…but also I feel scared that I am like some of those scary people. They just SEEM insane. I don’t want to be viewed that way. And this is going to be a very rude statement, but I promise there is much truth behind it: many of them are just stupid. It’s frustrating be locked up with a bunch of people who are morons. You often find it difficult to find a common ground and therefore even things to talk about. I don’t get their issues, and they don’t get mine. We’re just on different playing fields. And last but definitely not least: if I am hospitalized, I will have absolutely no one to come visit me. I don’t have family here, and a lot of my friends just couldn’t handle it. Heck, they couldn’t even help me move home…I am doubtful they would step up in this matter. Even with my cats; I doubt there is a friend who would step up and take care of them while this all was happening. With not working, I really don’t have the extra money to board them through this indefinite ordeal. I would need someone to commit to caring for my cats, and I just don’t think anyone would.
Okay, it’s time to head off to the primary care physician for the moment of truth. If she can’t step in and help, I really don’t know what’s next.