Still Struggling
Ugh. I just want to feel better already.
So I met with the new psychiatrist. All things considered, it went pretty well. I wouldn’t say that I absolutely love her, but it is still pretty early in the game to make a judgment call on that one. She did make a slight adjustment in my meds and wants to see me in two weeks, but she also explained what the next step in medication would be if I’m not feeling somewhat better by then. Which is good; I feel slightly hopeful in that there is a plan to get me feeling better. But of course it still sucks in that I still feel like shit now…and there isn’t a whole lot I can do for now to make it feel any better. Things like this unfortunately take time. Boo.
The other “big” thing that came out of seeing her is that she wants me off work on FMLA another month. I have mixed feelings about there. There is no way in hell I was going to be ready to go back on March 1st. But I know with 100% certainty that my employer is going to be PISSED about this. It will make for an ugly situation when I go back, whenever that may be. But I don’t know that I have any other options at this point. I absolutely don’t have what it takes to be at work and functional right now. I really feel a sense of dread going back to such an ugly situation filled with so much ill-will towards me, but such is life. Actually, I am really, truly considering NOT going back at all. I am thinking it might be better to even just go work as a barista at Starbucks when I can go back to work; the stress levels would be a lot different. We’ll see. I actually started the application (I still have to finish it/submit it)…but we’ll see. It’s a lot to consider.
So that is that part of my life. We are having a big snow storm as I type this; it doesn’t look like I’ll be leaving the condo today. Which is fine…I did a huge grocery shopping yesterday in anticipation of this storm, plus I still have plenty to do with all the unpacking/organizing that remains (I’ve probably only unpacked about half my boxes - ugh). I should probably think about getting showered and dressed soon…siting here in my pajamas and bathrobe probably isn’t particularly helping my mood.
At least I’m home in the condo for this storm. If I was still in the crappy studio apartment, I’m sure I’d be sporking out my eyes right about now. At least now I have TV, a decent internet connection, and unpacking/organizing to keep me entertained. Being stuck at home for the next 24-48 hours is hardly the end of the world. I just need to make sure I call friends and chat with them on the phone and whatnot. Isolating myself too much is probably not the best idea right now. I wouldn’t say that I’m exactly ready to jump off a cliff, but there is a part of myself that is extremely alone and miserable right now. Not to the point where this LiveJournal post should be setting off alarms with anyone, but I do see where I need to be taking especially good care of myself right now, so that things don’t get any worse. I’m right on the border of being able to cope right now…if I let it get any worse than this, there might be some issues.
Debating what to eat for breakfast. The good news in all of this is that I’m losing weight. I’m down probably 15 pounds since I went on the cruise in October. Which is huge; I’ve had a lot of stress during that time, so it’s amazing that I’ve managed to lose at all…a gain would have been completely understandable under the circumstances.
So I met with the new psychiatrist. All things considered, it went pretty well. I wouldn’t say that I absolutely love her, but it is still pretty early in the game to make a judgment call on that one. She did make a slight adjustment in my meds and wants to see me in two weeks, but she also explained what the next step in medication would be if I’m not feeling somewhat better by then. Which is good; I feel slightly hopeful in that there is a plan to get me feeling better. But of course it still sucks in that I still feel like shit now…and there isn’t a whole lot I can do for now to make it feel any better. Things like this unfortunately take time. Boo.
The other “big” thing that came out of seeing her is that she wants me off work on FMLA another month. I have mixed feelings about there. There is no way in hell I was going to be ready to go back on March 1st. But I know with 100% certainty that my employer is going to be PISSED about this. It will make for an ugly situation when I go back, whenever that may be. But I don’t know that I have any other options at this point. I absolutely don’t have what it takes to be at work and functional right now. I really feel a sense of dread going back to such an ugly situation filled with so much ill-will towards me, but such is life. Actually, I am really, truly considering NOT going back at all. I am thinking it might be better to even just go work as a barista at Starbucks when I can go back to work; the stress levels would be a lot different. We’ll see. I actually started the application (I still have to finish it/submit it)…but we’ll see. It’s a lot to consider.
So that is that part of my life. We are having a big snow storm as I type this; it doesn’t look like I’ll be leaving the condo today. Which is fine…I did a huge grocery shopping yesterday in anticipation of this storm, plus I still have plenty to do with all the unpacking/organizing that remains (I’ve probably only unpacked about half my boxes - ugh). I should probably think about getting showered and dressed soon…siting here in my pajamas and bathrobe probably isn’t particularly helping my mood.
At least I’m home in the condo for this storm. If I was still in the crappy studio apartment, I’m sure I’d be sporking out my eyes right about now. At least now I have TV, a decent internet connection, and unpacking/organizing to keep me entertained. Being stuck at home for the next 24-48 hours is hardly the end of the world. I just need to make sure I call friends and chat with them on the phone and whatnot. Isolating myself too much is probably not the best idea right now. I wouldn’t say that I’m exactly ready to jump off a cliff, but there is a part of myself that is extremely alone and miserable right now. Not to the point where this LiveJournal post should be setting off alarms with anyone, but I do see where I need to be taking especially good care of myself right now, so that things don’t get any worse. I’m right on the border of being able to cope right now…if I let it get any worse than this, there might be some issues.
Debating what to eat for breakfast. The good news in all of this is that I’m losing weight. I’m down probably 15 pounds since I went on the cruise in October. Which is huge; I’ve had a lot of stress during that time, so it’s amazing that I’ve managed to lose at all…a gain would have been completely understandable under the circumstances.