Not good, not bad...just struggling tonight
OK day today…totally mixed emotions about it. On some levels, it was a great day. On others, I feel totally let down. I don’t know what I expected. I’m torn between not wanting the day to be over…and then torn between just feeling blue.
So what happened today? I went to work…I was late because I did some laundry first thing in the morning before work. Then I got to work and declared it “Office Purge 2010.” That actually felt good, and I made some good progress. But by around lunch time I was kind of sad. I know it’s unreasonable, but I totally wanted my mom today. But I guess that begs the question: do I want my mom…or do I want a mom, period? I talked it out a bit with a friend…and even got a bit teary about it. Hell, I’m getting teary about it now. Not sure exactly what I want…I know when I deal with my mom, it isn’t pleasant…but I want that kind of unconditional love so badly. And I think not having that unconditional love is a frustrating thing right now. And I’ve don’t really have that unconditional love anywhere right now. Not with all the friends I’ve lost this past year through the divorce; not in the marriage I just left; and not even with my dad (not that I think his not loving me is malicious like it is with my mother…I think he’s just more clueless than anything else).
But I digress: that was the rough part of the day. The good parts of the day: getting my office worked on. I’ve been putting that off for years (quite literally). Then reading all the comments on FB from my remaining friends was great (yes, a corny thing to appreciate, but it’s true). My office was very kind and got me a yummy ice cream cake. My trainer made a special phone call to me today just to wish me a happy birthday; for whatever reason, that especially warmed my heart. I did get some good news about my condo: now they are saying we will be able to move back in by December (somehow, that doesn’t add up, but whatever…we’ll see - I won’t hold my breath, and I’ll be pleasantly surprised if that really happens). I then went out to a bar with a friend (turned out to be no sex…but that’s okay…not sure I’m really in the mood tonight anyhow) and over-all had a lovely evening with them. The “light” meal we had was just OK…but the drinks and dessert were divine. I’m still a little buzzed; can you tell in my writing tonight? No, I didn’t drive; they were kind enough to provide door to door chauffer service as part of my evening out.
I may have pissed one person off tonight, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. It’s that older mentor/friend who has been kind of flaky with me as of late. She wanted me to stop by and see her tonight…but I totally feel like she has NOT been there when it’s important to me lately…so when I had an offer to go out with another friend, I kind of decided that sounded like more fun. Which maybe was wrong; I’ve been friends with the mentor/friend longer…but she has kind of flitted in and out of my life as of late. And the few times I’ve REALLY needed her (really, just a phone call or two - not like I needed major life stuff per se), she has totally not been there. And instead of just saying she can’t be there, she’ll tell me she’ll call me later at a specific time…then she won’t call until 4-8 days after that. I don’t know; that just seems a bit absurd to me. I get not calling the exact hour you say you will…but days going by aren’t cool. I don’t know. Do I tell her how I feel? Do I just let her drop out of my life? Do I just ignore the situation and hope it gets better? I don’t know. And I’m so unsure of my footing in life with friends right now; I don’t know how to approach this monster. I guess I need to step back from this situation and ask myself what I would want if this was me. I guess if I look at it that way, I’d want her to approach me about it (in a kind way, of course) if something needed to be said. I guess that’s the thing with friends; you WILL have arguments in life. It’s just that with real friends, you can work it out. Hmmm. Maybe I’ll write her an email explaining how I feel. And then sit on it…and edit it thoroughly to be even nicer…and then send it.
I feel like shit now. I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t have been drinking tonight. They say to not drink when you are sad; maybe the 4 drinks just pushed my sadness over the edge? Yes, I did eat some with that…but clearly that might not be enough…
I guess on one level, I should be broken up that I’m alone on my 30th birthday tonight. And I am - I really do feel like shit about it. I want a friend to hang out with tonight (beyond the bar thing - I’m just not ready to call it a night). But it’s not the divorced part of being alone that I’m struggling with. It’s the being alone without friends that I’m struggling with. I don’t particularly miss my ex-husband…does that make me a bad person, or does it just mean that I am over my relationship with him? But I do feel like I’m alone tonight…really, when it boils down to it, I have no friends or family I can call right this very second to be here for me. I guess it boils down to I need to be here for me because no one else is…but I just want to relax and be taken care of right this second. And I guess the reason why I’m not more broken up about my ex-husband not being here is that he wouldn’t actually be here for me right this second, even if we were still married and sitting together in the same exact room.
Fuck. I’m sitting here crying now. I have HARDLY cried at all after the divorce; it feels horrible. I guess there are just so many meanings tied into birthdays. They make you totally reflective on life and everything else out there.
I guess I need to focus more on the future, not how shitty I feel right this second. Someday will feel better. I mean, where will I be next year for my birthday; who will I be with? And where will I be 5 years from now? 10 years from now? There is hope in this situation…I just need to look for it. Even if it feels like shit right this second, someday will feel better. The tough part is just not knowing exactly when that day will be.
Ugh. I did the totally stupid thing; I took some Ativan tonight (the stupid part being that I was drinking, and it’s probably not good to mix Ativan and alcohol). Oh well. Hopefully I’ll wake up in the morning, right? I’m just too worked up to relax/sleep…and I have to be up for that stupid computer class tomorrow. Which it turns out I don’t even have security clearance for…so I’m fucking going into work on what should be my furlough day…only to find out that I can’t do a single thing at this training class. I am NOT a happy camper right now. I get going in if I can do the training…I DON’T get going in if there is nothing I can do. I even asked my boss about this - she didn’t seem to think it was any big deal that I didn’t have computer clearance to go. Yeah, it’s not her furlough day she’s adjusting…
I don’t mean to be so bitter tonight. Birthdays always seem to be hard for me…even if for completely different reasons each year. They never seem to live up to my expectations. Which it odd - I wasn’t really expecting this to be a “good” year. But then again, maybe that is the problem. I expected today to be easier, that there would be less emotional turmoil inside today. I thought I’d just be able to enjoy all the good stuff. Which I did - I guess I just didn’t expect all the introspection on top of everything else.
So that’s my fucking lousy shitty night tonight. Sorry, I don’t mean to be so down. I know I should try to be more optimistic tonight…I just don’t feel like putting forth the effort it takes to be positive right this second. Maybe I’ll have better luck tomorrow? Or maybe I shouldn’t have been drinking tonight…maybe that just pushed me over the edge? I’m really not a huge drinker…maybe what I had was just too much for me?
Hmmm. Now what? I wish that Ativan would kick in. I just want to space out into the sunset tonight. I almost wish I was an illegal drug user of some sort; I could totally use that escape from the feelings right this second. And frankly, I could care less about the health consequences of the situation right now either.
So how depressed am I? Well, on that scale of 1 to 10…a 1 being the lowest possible and a 10 being a normal, happy person, I’m probably at a 2.5 right this second. I’m NOT suicidal (been there, done that…trust me, not there yet), but I’m absolutely sad and hurting right this second. My day over-all has probably only been a 5. Which I guess is part of the problem; I really would have liked for it to have been a 7 or an 8 (hell, who am I kidding? It’s my birthday…I wanted a full-force 10). Maybe that’s the problem; my expectations for happiness today were just too high today? I didn’t fully estimate the emotional baggage that would come along today. Now what the fuck am I supposed to do with it?! I can’t just ship it all back (although in several particular cases, it’s tempting).
Okay…I always say I’m pissed at people who are depressed and who won’t do anything to fix the situation. Let’s not be one of those people right this second. What are some of my options? At the risk of sounding like a complete and total loser, I could call a crisis call line. Yes, that’s pretty low…but I feel SO alone right this second…and am craving human contact to the point that I’m having very, very vague thoughts that I’d rather not be alive right this second. Which I realize is totally not uncommon in this sort of situation…and as my doctor so interestingly explained, once you have the history of being “there” before, your mind is likely to go down that path again in the future. So just by my past history, I’m sort of condemned to re-visit that path again. Shitty outlook, huh? So that’s one option, though: call the crisis call center. My tax dollars hard at work, right?! Might as well use it.
So that’s one option. Another option: wake a friend up. There are a few I probably could harass, even if that’s not my first choice. I’m so scared of losing my remaining friends, I see where I’m almost pushing them away to avoid getting hurt by them later (which I get is tough and not a very healthy behavior in the long-haul).
Another option: take another Ativan. I think a person can safely take up to 4 mg. I’ve taken 2 mg so far…so one more tablet probably wouldn’t kill me. But again, the drinking earlier tonight part kind of bothers me…although at this point, it’s probably been over two hours since I had anything to drink…and therefore, it’s probably safe to pop another pill. Or on the flip side, I could have another drink: I think I have like 3 different kinds of options of booze in the apartment (what a joke…I rarely drink…but at least I have something here at all).
Or I could sit here and keep typing my heart out until some of the pain starts to go away, maybe until that first Ativan kicks in (although I’m wondering now if I shouldn’t take a second one - not really sure the first one kicked in at all). I know no one really reads my verbal vomit…but it gets the words out of my head, at least. What do they say, depression is just anger turned inwards? So I guess it’s best I get the angst out on paper instead of leaving it inside to fester.
Hmmm…maybe I should work out a combo deal. Maybe 1 mg more of Ativan…and keep typing until the words start blurring together. I just don’t want to burden my friends tonight…plus with the crisis call center, I’ll always remember my “shitty 30th birthday that I called the crisis call line.” Yeah, I DON’T want to be that girl. But I don’t want to be dead either…and I’m worried my judgment is just barely starting to get clouded by my depressed feelings. Again, I’m not near the edge of the cliff just yet…but the fact I know it’s there is freaking me out enough.
So what happened today? I went to work…I was late because I did some laundry first thing in the morning before work. Then I got to work and declared it “Office Purge 2010.” That actually felt good, and I made some good progress. But by around lunch time I was kind of sad. I know it’s unreasonable, but I totally wanted my mom today. But I guess that begs the question: do I want my mom…or do I want a mom, period? I talked it out a bit with a friend…and even got a bit teary about it. Hell, I’m getting teary about it now. Not sure exactly what I want…I know when I deal with my mom, it isn’t pleasant…but I want that kind of unconditional love so badly. And I think not having that unconditional love is a frustrating thing right now. And I’ve don’t really have that unconditional love anywhere right now. Not with all the friends I’ve lost this past year through the divorce; not in the marriage I just left; and not even with my dad (not that I think his not loving me is malicious like it is with my mother…I think he’s just more clueless than anything else).
But I digress: that was the rough part of the day. The good parts of the day: getting my office worked on. I’ve been putting that off for years (quite literally). Then reading all the comments on FB from my remaining friends was great (yes, a corny thing to appreciate, but it’s true). My office was very kind and got me a yummy ice cream cake. My trainer made a special phone call to me today just to wish me a happy birthday; for whatever reason, that especially warmed my heart. I did get some good news about my condo: now they are saying we will be able to move back in by December (somehow, that doesn’t add up, but whatever…we’ll see - I won’t hold my breath, and I’ll be pleasantly surprised if that really happens). I then went out to a bar with a friend (turned out to be no sex…but that’s okay…not sure I’m really in the mood tonight anyhow) and over-all had a lovely evening with them. The “light” meal we had was just OK…but the drinks and dessert were divine. I’m still a little buzzed; can you tell in my writing tonight? No, I didn’t drive; they were kind enough to provide door to door chauffer service as part of my evening out.
I may have pissed one person off tonight, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. It’s that older mentor/friend who has been kind of flaky with me as of late. She wanted me to stop by and see her tonight…but I totally feel like she has NOT been there when it’s important to me lately…so when I had an offer to go out with another friend, I kind of decided that sounded like more fun. Which maybe was wrong; I’ve been friends with the mentor/friend longer…but she has kind of flitted in and out of my life as of late. And the few times I’ve REALLY needed her (really, just a phone call or two - not like I needed major life stuff per se), she has totally not been there. And instead of just saying she can’t be there, she’ll tell me she’ll call me later at a specific time…then she won’t call until 4-8 days after that. I don’t know; that just seems a bit absurd to me. I get not calling the exact hour you say you will…but days going by aren’t cool. I don’t know. Do I tell her how I feel? Do I just let her drop out of my life? Do I just ignore the situation and hope it gets better? I don’t know. And I’m so unsure of my footing in life with friends right now; I don’t know how to approach this monster. I guess I need to step back from this situation and ask myself what I would want if this was me. I guess if I look at it that way, I’d want her to approach me about it (in a kind way, of course) if something needed to be said. I guess that’s the thing with friends; you WILL have arguments in life. It’s just that with real friends, you can work it out. Hmmm. Maybe I’ll write her an email explaining how I feel. And then sit on it…and edit it thoroughly to be even nicer…and then send it.
I feel like shit now. I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t have been drinking tonight. They say to not drink when you are sad; maybe the 4 drinks just pushed my sadness over the edge? Yes, I did eat some with that…but clearly that might not be enough…
I guess on one level, I should be broken up that I’m alone on my 30th birthday tonight. And I am - I really do feel like shit about it. I want a friend to hang out with tonight (beyond the bar thing - I’m just not ready to call it a night). But it’s not the divorced part of being alone that I’m struggling with. It’s the being alone without friends that I’m struggling with. I don’t particularly miss my ex-husband…does that make me a bad person, or does it just mean that I am over my relationship with him? But I do feel like I’m alone tonight…really, when it boils down to it, I have no friends or family I can call right this very second to be here for me. I guess it boils down to I need to be here for me because no one else is…but I just want to relax and be taken care of right this second. And I guess the reason why I’m not more broken up about my ex-husband not being here is that he wouldn’t actually be here for me right this second, even if we were still married and sitting together in the same exact room.
Fuck. I’m sitting here crying now. I have HARDLY cried at all after the divorce; it feels horrible. I guess there are just so many meanings tied into birthdays. They make you totally reflective on life and everything else out there.
I guess I need to focus more on the future, not how shitty I feel right this second. Someday will feel better. I mean, where will I be next year for my birthday; who will I be with? And where will I be 5 years from now? 10 years from now? There is hope in this situation…I just need to look for it. Even if it feels like shit right this second, someday will feel better. The tough part is just not knowing exactly when that day will be.
Ugh. I did the totally stupid thing; I took some Ativan tonight (the stupid part being that I was drinking, and it’s probably not good to mix Ativan and alcohol). Oh well. Hopefully I’ll wake up in the morning, right? I’m just too worked up to relax/sleep…and I have to be up for that stupid computer class tomorrow. Which it turns out I don’t even have security clearance for…so I’m fucking going into work on what should be my furlough day…only to find out that I can’t do a single thing at this training class. I am NOT a happy camper right now. I get going in if I can do the training…I DON’T get going in if there is nothing I can do. I even asked my boss about this - she didn’t seem to think it was any big deal that I didn’t have computer clearance to go. Yeah, it’s not her furlough day she’s adjusting…
I don’t mean to be so bitter tonight. Birthdays always seem to be hard for me…even if for completely different reasons each year. They never seem to live up to my expectations. Which it odd - I wasn’t really expecting this to be a “good” year. But then again, maybe that is the problem. I expected today to be easier, that there would be less emotional turmoil inside today. I thought I’d just be able to enjoy all the good stuff. Which I did - I guess I just didn’t expect all the introspection on top of everything else.
So that’s my fucking lousy shitty night tonight. Sorry, I don’t mean to be so down. I know I should try to be more optimistic tonight…I just don’t feel like putting forth the effort it takes to be positive right this second. Maybe I’ll have better luck tomorrow? Or maybe I shouldn’t have been drinking tonight…maybe that just pushed me over the edge? I’m really not a huge drinker…maybe what I had was just too much for me?
Hmmm. Now what? I wish that Ativan would kick in. I just want to space out into the sunset tonight. I almost wish I was an illegal drug user of some sort; I could totally use that escape from the feelings right this second. And frankly, I could care less about the health consequences of the situation right now either.
So how depressed am I? Well, on that scale of 1 to 10…a 1 being the lowest possible and a 10 being a normal, happy person, I’m probably at a 2.5 right this second. I’m NOT suicidal (been there, done that…trust me, not there yet), but I’m absolutely sad and hurting right this second. My day over-all has probably only been a 5. Which I guess is part of the problem; I really would have liked for it to have been a 7 or an 8 (hell, who am I kidding? It’s my birthday…I wanted a full-force 10). Maybe that’s the problem; my expectations for happiness today were just too high today? I didn’t fully estimate the emotional baggage that would come along today. Now what the fuck am I supposed to do with it?! I can’t just ship it all back (although in several particular cases, it’s tempting).
Okay…I always say I’m pissed at people who are depressed and who won’t do anything to fix the situation. Let’s not be one of those people right this second. What are some of my options? At the risk of sounding like a complete and total loser, I could call a crisis call line. Yes, that’s pretty low…but I feel SO alone right this second…and am craving human contact to the point that I’m having very, very vague thoughts that I’d rather not be alive right this second. Which I realize is totally not uncommon in this sort of situation…and as my doctor so interestingly explained, once you have the history of being “there” before, your mind is likely to go down that path again in the future. So just by my past history, I’m sort of condemned to re-visit that path again. Shitty outlook, huh? So that’s one option, though: call the crisis call center. My tax dollars hard at work, right?! Might as well use it.
So that’s one option. Another option: wake a friend up. There are a few I probably could harass, even if that’s not my first choice. I’m so scared of losing my remaining friends, I see where I’m almost pushing them away to avoid getting hurt by them later (which I get is tough and not a very healthy behavior in the long-haul).
Another option: take another Ativan. I think a person can safely take up to 4 mg. I’ve taken 2 mg so far…so one more tablet probably wouldn’t kill me. But again, the drinking earlier tonight part kind of bothers me…although at this point, it’s probably been over two hours since I had anything to drink…and therefore, it’s probably safe to pop another pill. Or on the flip side, I could have another drink: I think I have like 3 different kinds of options of booze in the apartment (what a joke…I rarely drink…but at least I have something here at all).
Or I could sit here and keep typing my heart out until some of the pain starts to go away, maybe until that first Ativan kicks in (although I’m wondering now if I shouldn’t take a second one - not really sure the first one kicked in at all). I know no one really reads my verbal vomit…but it gets the words out of my head, at least. What do they say, depression is just anger turned inwards? So I guess it’s best I get the angst out on paper instead of leaving it inside to fester.
Hmmm…maybe I should work out a combo deal. Maybe 1 mg more of Ativan…and keep typing until the words start blurring together. I just don’t want to burden my friends tonight…plus with the crisis call center, I’ll always remember my “shitty 30th birthday that I called the crisis call line.” Yeah, I DON’T want to be that girl. But I don’t want to be dead either…and I’m worried my judgment is just barely starting to get clouded by my depressed feelings. Again, I’m not near the edge of the cliff just yet…but the fact I know it’s there is freaking me out enough.