Another fuckig Rant
I remember the days when laying inside statues, connect-four, picnics, and doing nothing in the hallways was fun: cool: my life: our lives. It kept me going. Everyone was included. We were a family. Said we would stick together, love each other, and be there for each other.
now
somehow
we have morphed into different people.
Eating out at fancy places, parties, shopping, bars, and bitching about out boy problems that don't actually matter. We don't do any simple things anymore. Things have to be complex, complicated, and it seems drama filled for us to go and/or have fun. We were always a tight knit group but I feel it is getting a bit crazy. People are intimidated by us (and for good reason). We don't go places we don't know people, seems we don't want/need to meet anyone new anymore. Even some people in our "group" are good enough to know anymore. Secret plans, locked room conversations, and lies seem to be making there way into our circle more and more.
Some members of our group don't hangout as much, but they are too busy. Others have been made taboo.
I hate school. I mean I like my classes and everything. Everyday the absolute uselessness of this place becomes more apparent to me. I could leave now, travel, and have a decent but "unplanned" life. Work temp jobs. Move from place to place. Meet people. Enjoy my life. Do what I want, when I want. Not stress about money. No bills, no stress (well probly stress but not this stress), just writing, fun, experiences, knowledge gained from experience. No retirement plan.....but no need for retirement. No settling down. No attachments. Just me. I want to do this so badly.
I keep attempting to convince myself that the time for that is right after school that way I still have a piece of paper to fall back on if I tire of spontaneity. If I want material things, if I want structure.
But I just want to get out of this place. I want to get away from the drama, the whining, the rules and expectations. All this structure. All these restraints. Making things work into my schedule instead of my schedule working into things.
I have been thinking about relationships also:
although I get lonely and I get horny and all that shit, I've realized just how much the relationship is and how much work you have to put in to get one in the first place. I don't mean to be blunt but my hand will work just fine....if I get to skip the extra pressure and effort needed to have someone else do it for me. I haven't yet figured out a way to make myself unlonely without the aid of another person but I'm working on it. And I suppose I can put up with some bursts of loneliness. for now anyway.
I wish I could manage time better. I fucking suck at it. I just can't do it no matter how hard I try. I’m not a time person. I’m not a structured person. I’m not stable. I am not solid. And I don't want to be!
so I was going to make this private since the last rant post I did stirred up a few problems and more drama.....but then I decided it would be stupid for me to type this up just for myself. and a bit selfish. so I am going to post it public and if anyone has a problem they can talk to me or comment or keep it to themselves....I don't really care.
Peace.
now
somehow
we have morphed into different people.
Eating out at fancy places, parties, shopping, bars, and bitching about out boy problems that don't actually matter. We don't do any simple things anymore. Things have to be complex, complicated, and it seems drama filled for us to go and/or have fun. We were always a tight knit group but I feel it is getting a bit crazy. People are intimidated by us (and for good reason). We don't go places we don't know people, seems we don't want/need to meet anyone new anymore. Even some people in our "group" are good enough to know anymore. Secret plans, locked room conversations, and lies seem to be making there way into our circle more and more.
Some members of our group don't hangout as much, but they are too busy. Others have been made taboo.
I hate school. I mean I like my classes and everything. Everyday the absolute uselessness of this place becomes more apparent to me. I could leave now, travel, and have a decent but "unplanned" life. Work temp jobs. Move from place to place. Meet people. Enjoy my life. Do what I want, when I want. Not stress about money. No bills, no stress (well probly stress but not this stress), just writing, fun, experiences, knowledge gained from experience. No retirement plan.....but no need for retirement. No settling down. No attachments. Just me. I want to do this so badly.
I keep attempting to convince myself that the time for that is right after school that way I still have a piece of paper to fall back on if I tire of spontaneity. If I want material things, if I want structure.
But I just want to get out of this place. I want to get away from the drama, the whining, the rules and expectations. All this structure. All these restraints. Making things work into my schedule instead of my schedule working into things.
I have been thinking about relationships also:
although I get lonely and I get horny and all that shit, I've realized just how much the relationship is and how much work you have to put in to get one in the first place. I don't mean to be blunt but my hand will work just fine....if I get to skip the extra pressure and effort needed to have someone else do it for me. I haven't yet figured out a way to make myself unlonely without the aid of another person but I'm working on it. And I suppose I can put up with some bursts of loneliness. for now anyway.
I wish I could manage time better. I fucking suck at it. I just can't do it no matter how hard I try. I’m not a time person. I’m not a structured person. I’m not stable. I am not solid. And I don't want to be!
so I was going to make this private since the last rant post I did stirred up a few problems and more drama.....but then I decided it would be stupid for me to type this up just for myself. and a bit selfish. so I am going to post it public and if anyone has a problem they can talk to me or comment or keep it to themselves....I don't really care.
Peace.