Dreams do come true!
Hello to everyone and how are yall? Well I guess im doing good, just tired and thinking away as usual. Nothing new has happened since I last posted except my daddy came up to Vinny to meet Celena but he couldnt cause her dad was put into the hospital and she had to stay here just incase her mom called and wanted her to come home. While my daddy was here he took my out to Applesbees and we went to K-Mart to fool around. After that I hung out with my friends Zach, Momma,C-na, Spud (C-na's man), and Clay (Momma man)and we went swimming and goofed off as usual. One of our friends came up Casie and she took us all out to eat at the China Buffet (I hate Chinese) and we annoyed the waitresses with our songs and our stupidity! The night was alright cause we all got to hang out (havent dont that in a while) and we were all having fun. Last night Momma, Sam (C-na's roommate), Zach, and I went to Dennys at like 1 in the morning and we were there till like 3:15 just goofing off. The funny thing is that we spent 10 dollars on the little crane game to just get a bear for Sam. Guess who won the bear for her, POTTER! 10 dollars later Sam has the biggest smile cause she has gotten the beat that has taken us 30 minutes to get ahold of, yeah for her! Well latly I have been having some weird ass dreams of Kendra and they seem so real and they worry me so much! The dreams started bout a week ago and it was one of her being with another guy. In the dream Kendra was with some country type guy and she was so happy, she smiles, she loved her life, she had everything she doesnt have with me! But in the dreams they are always the same guy and everytime I have it she is always rubbing it in my face how much happier she is, how better this guy is, and how her family likes him more and what not! The last dream I had was last night/this morning and it took place at the mall (it looked like the mall) and she ran into me while she was with her man. Kendra was with her brother and this guy and they couldnt just let it go that she had finally moved on and was actually happy. They had to rub in it my face by saying that I was the worse, her WHOLE family liked him, she was actually happy, never worried, and never had a problem with him. I dont like these dreams, they even make me cry (I dont cry usually)! They seem so real like they are happening to me or going to happen to me and it scares me that I dont want to sleep. I use to have dreams that people were killing me (everynight) and dont didnt seem as bad as these cause I want death and I want to leave before it gets worse. But these dreams I dont like cause the thought of Kendra having someone who has taken my smile, my happiness, my kiss, my hugs, MY PRINCESS away from me is the worse possible fear. Knowing that I have fucked up the best thing in my life and will never get it back makes me wish I wouldnt sleep again. Usually when I have a dream it actually happens, I know that sounds weird but everyone does it. Never have I had a big important dream but little ones and they have happened. So what is gonna stop this from happening? What if it is really happening and by chance Kendra doesnt know im home or something and I catch her? Maybe im just freaking out cause of my latest mistake with the whole Jami thing. I admit I fucked up and I am still gonna fuck up cause a girl has gotten attached to the evil seed that is potter and she wont let go just like the one I have! Jami will never give up wanting me or anything and either will Kendra. What can I do to make them both stop? I want to make everything right and go back before I met Kendra, back before I was forced to Indiana, back before the dreadful night when I was 15, back before I even thought of girls as a other half, back before I was borned, back before I was thought of, back before my brother was thought of. If I could I would go back and fix every damn mistake I have but I cant cause it is humanly impossible. I cant fix that Kendra has gotten attached and thinks im Mr. Right, I cant fix that yet another girl has gotten attached and wants me, I cant help that I am a horrible person, I cant help being alive! I wish so much that Kendra would for once take a look at things my way and just say you know what Cameron you are right I should move on and be with someone else. I should go out with Tate, Josh, Jason, Bryan, or whoever else there is and stop taking your shit! I have asked her like everyone who read this knows if she loves me she will leave me but she hasnt yet and I ask again, does that mean she actually loves me? I know this sounds like im trying to get rid of her and im not I swear to it but I just cant get the fucking thought out of my head that im not right and that she really is seeing someone else or talking to someone else or what not. I know Kendra talks to guy and I dont care but it is when she sits there and flirts, lies bout it, and then does it again and again that pisses me off. I know I cant say much cause I have done way worse, but if she is flirting and has all these guys that makes her laugh, smile, happy, and what not take a fucking chance cause no one can be worse than the guy you are with, NO ONE! What have I given her that none of these other guys can? I make her laugh, I make her smile, I tell her I love her, wipe her tears away, hold her, dont ever want to see her upset and try my hardest to make sure she isnt. But she cant get this from other guys it will just take time. No guy can be a friend and hold you, kiss you, and all that without it being cheating! I know from experience, got caught and failed at it miserable! But she will never know what these guy attentions are unless she gives them a chance! She says most of the guys only want her for sex or cause she is a pretty body and face, but how does she know that? Okay maybe there are guys stupid enough to tell you that (which I doubt any have, you just told me they did) but Tate, Josh, Jason, Bryan, guys from 1123, Ashleys friends, and whatever other guy you talk to and like didnt all say that and they dont all have the same attention. What is her problem? Why is she so scarred of just admitting that I am trash, I am the evil seed of her life, I am what is holding her back, I am her biggest downfall (both of those from Ashley, Kendras friend), THAT I AM NOT MR. RIGHT?? I love you Kendra so fucking much that I would do ANYTHING and I mean anything in this world for you but you have to come to a point in your life and say its time to stop lying to yourself and dreaming. I am not the one Kendra and it pains me so much to say that but I am not the guy who makes you smile, makes you laugh, makes you happy, and makes you want better. Yes you are the girl who does all that for me but you know what shit happens. I dont know what to do anymore, its either Kendra realizes that im not Mr. Right and that she has been lying to herself the whole 3 yrs, 7 mnths, and 5 days, or I take it into my own hands and go back to the carving!