Scared of my subconcious and a bad day.
I hate live-journal sometimes. It refused to auto-save and I just lost my whole damned entry about how I was having a bad day. So this kind of made it worse that I have to re-type it now. Y_Y
Today was not a good day. I've come to realize what separates my "bad days" from my "good days" is the fact that on a good day, I just get high off excited thoughts -usually about seeing Dan on the weekend. All week I have very little contact with anyone besides my mom. Even when she's home, I try and avoid her because she never fails to make me feel like dirt for some reason. So I guess in that respect I'd rather be alone. I get depressed when I'm alone in my apartment because I feel like I could be doing something or be out with someone. Most days I just fall asleep on the couch or sit in front of my computer and write.
This whole thing reminds me of last year when I was at Ball State. Granted I hated that school with every fiber of my being, but the same jumble of emotions went on then. I would endure this constant depression all week of being alone. I had no friends, just a roommate I got along with okay, and my only solace was going to see my (then) boyfriend on the weekend. Is there a pattern here? Do I really latch onto something good like that?
It scares me to realize this quality about myself. I don't want to believe that Dan is just another boyfriend who will eventually just be someone who I thought I loved when I was young. I really love how things are going with Dan. I can't imagine life without talking to him at least once a day and this is truly my first relationship that I would do anything to preserve indefinitely. I'm concentrating all my positive emotions towards Dan, and anything else seems less exciting to me. I wonder if because its so similar to my situation at Ball State, that my perspective is skewed. I don't want it to be. At least I like this school way better than Ball State and I have friends who go here. I'm not totally isolated right? This whole thing isn't exactly how it was last year right?
Anyway, what set me off today started this morning in my painting class. I was telling my professor my idea for my final project and showed him my sketches. Basically he told me my idea sucked and I need to redo my sketches. Earlier in the semester he gave us a vague topic to paint about for our final: Science. So I sort of went into the micro-biology aspect of science and based my idea on parasites and cellular development -basically things that are too small for us to see. I sketched out plenty of ideas and for each one he said I didn't include enough parasitic involvement. It was "too boring" in some parts of the composition. I left certain parts without parasites because well *cough* we have 3 weeks to do this final project. And we only have class 2 days a week. I'm not about to sabotage myself and create something so detailed that it should take me a month working on it every day to complete. I justified every aspect of my sketches and why I left certain parts without crazy interaction and whatnot. His exact words were "well you may think there is enough, but you really need to add more to give that feeling of parasites inhabiting a host" And, yeah, I DO think there's enough. Why else would I plan it out that way? So just because he doesn't agree with my ideas, I have to redo it? I'm so over that class. Everyone else is doing these landscape paintings with very going on in them and he's basically fine with that. So just because my idea is different than theirs means I have to go without sleep and spend hours in the studio working on refining the details?
What crap.
Then I went to my intro to finance class and got my test back. Failed again T_T. I can't believe it. I really, truly thought I did good on this one. After class was over I went to giant eagle and bought my pad thai necessities, broccoli slaw, and some cheese and crackers. Then I decided I would do a favor for my mom and stopped at the landlords office to pick up our garage keys. I talked to my mom on the phone a bit later and although she was grateful, she argued that I need to ask for more hours at work because they only scheduled me for monday and Friday of next week -the week of thanksgiving. I protested I was happy they didn't schedule me like crazy next week because Dan has that entire week off and we will get to spend some time together outside of the weekend. Then she started into the whole "well when I leave for Arizona how are you going to pay rent" and shit like that. She isn't moving to Arizona until June next year. Thats a little over 7 months from now. I'm sure by then this one week where I only worked two days will balance out.
I don't know. Am I being the immature one on this? Do I need to toughen up?
Today was not a good day. I've come to realize what separates my "bad days" from my "good days" is the fact that on a good day, I just get high off excited thoughts -usually about seeing Dan on the weekend. All week I have very little contact with anyone besides my mom. Even when she's home, I try and avoid her because she never fails to make me feel like dirt for some reason. So I guess in that respect I'd rather be alone. I get depressed when I'm alone in my apartment because I feel like I could be doing something or be out with someone. Most days I just fall asleep on the couch or sit in front of my computer and write.
This whole thing reminds me of last year when I was at Ball State. Granted I hated that school with every fiber of my being, but the same jumble of emotions went on then. I would endure this constant depression all week of being alone. I had no friends, just a roommate I got along with okay, and my only solace was going to see my (then) boyfriend on the weekend. Is there a pattern here? Do I really latch onto something good like that?
It scares me to realize this quality about myself. I don't want to believe that Dan is just another boyfriend who will eventually just be someone who I thought I loved when I was young. I really love how things are going with Dan. I can't imagine life without talking to him at least once a day and this is truly my first relationship that I would do anything to preserve indefinitely. I'm concentrating all my positive emotions towards Dan, and anything else seems less exciting to me. I wonder if because its so similar to my situation at Ball State, that my perspective is skewed. I don't want it to be. At least I like this school way better than Ball State and I have friends who go here. I'm not totally isolated right? This whole thing isn't exactly how it was last year right?
Anyway, what set me off today started this morning in my painting class. I was telling my professor my idea for my final project and showed him my sketches. Basically he told me my idea sucked and I need to redo my sketches. Earlier in the semester he gave us a vague topic to paint about for our final: Science. So I sort of went into the micro-biology aspect of science and based my idea on parasites and cellular development -basically things that are too small for us to see. I sketched out plenty of ideas and for each one he said I didn't include enough parasitic involvement. It was "too boring" in some parts of the composition. I left certain parts without parasites because well *cough* we have 3 weeks to do this final project. And we only have class 2 days a week. I'm not about to sabotage myself and create something so detailed that it should take me a month working on it every day to complete. I justified every aspect of my sketches and why I left certain parts without crazy interaction and whatnot. His exact words were "well you may think there is enough, but you really need to add more to give that feeling of parasites inhabiting a host" And, yeah, I DO think there's enough. Why else would I plan it out that way? So just because he doesn't agree with my ideas, I have to redo it? I'm so over that class. Everyone else is doing these landscape paintings with very going on in them and he's basically fine with that. So just because my idea is different than theirs means I have to go without sleep and spend hours in the studio working on refining the details?
What crap.
Then I went to my intro to finance class and got my test back. Failed again T_T. I can't believe it. I really, truly thought I did good on this one. After class was over I went to giant eagle and bought my pad thai necessities, broccoli slaw, and some cheese and crackers. Then I decided I would do a favor for my mom and stopped at the landlords office to pick up our garage keys. I talked to my mom on the phone a bit later and although she was grateful, she argued that I need to ask for more hours at work because they only scheduled me for monday and Friday of next week -the week of thanksgiving. I protested I was happy they didn't schedule me like crazy next week because Dan has that entire week off and we will get to spend some time together outside of the weekend. Then she started into the whole "well when I leave for Arizona how are you going to pay rent" and shit like that. She isn't moving to Arizona until June next year. Thats a little over 7 months from now. I'm sure by then this one week where I only worked two days will balance out.
I don't know. Am I being the immature one on this? Do I need to toughen up?