Welcome to the doggy night-time garage: please mind the waggy tails
This is my entry for Week One of therealljidol on the word "jayus": something said that is so not funny that you can't help but laugh. Enjoy! :-)
I step off the bus, holding the harness firmly in hand, and utter the "forward" command that propels us onward toward our destination, via a route that we are so accustomed to traversing that our movement does not disrupt my early-morning daydreams or drowsy inattention. After ten years of travelling the same route to school or work - walk a block, take the bus, walk a bit more, take the metro - I can reliably profess that I can do it with my eyes shut.
Really.
... No, seriously.
Because I'm blind, and the harness I am holding belongs to my guide dog.
Travelling without sight can indeed lead to some "interesting" (read: special) experiences, but not for the reasons you may think. The truth is, blindness is a low incidence disability, and the image of the lost and stumbling blind person that is often perpetuated in the media is, for the most part, wholly inaccurate. Misconceptions and stereotypes abound, and as someone who is blind and also as someone who works within the profession of teaching the blind, I try doing what I can to educate others and try to provide a more realistic, positive example of what it "means to be blind".
But here is the secret: There is no such thing as "What it means to be blind" because, of course, we are as diverse and individual as anyone else. There are those commonalities, however, that many of us share, such as the often well-meaning but humorous comments we receive from members of the public - statements that are said in complete seriousness, but in retrospect, you can't help but find really funny. (you know, those "it's kind of sad" but actually kind of really funny too situations).
Truly, I don't mind that people ask questions. That is how we learn. That is how we become less ignorant of things we don't understand. It is a good thing. It's just sometimes hard to imagine what is going on in people's heads when they ask certain questions. You'll understand what I mean. :)
So, drum roll please, as I present to you the top 5 most unfunny things said by random strangers that are actually really funny. And 100% completely true.
1. One of these dogs looks just like the other ... or, not
It is quite plausible that many people were out doing something else when the Sesame Street episode about 'things that are alike and things that are different' was being aired. You know the one I mean ("one of these things is not like the other"). Maybe they were busy striking up a conversation with an unsuspecting blind person. hee, just joking! Whatever the case may be, this may transpire in one of two ways:
Scenario #1:
Person: oh, what a nice dog! I have one just like that!
Me (kind smile): oh, thank you. Yes, she's a very good girl
Person: yes, except my dog's smaller *pause* And her ears are pointy. *pause* And she's a lighter colour *pause* but otherwise she looks just like mine!
Me: what kind of dog do you have? This is a Labrador.
Person: a chawawa
And then the reverse… scenario #2:
Random stranger: oh, what a nice dog! Is she a pitbull?
Me: Um... No, she's a yellow lab actually.
Me (in my head), 'note the golden floppy ears... among... well, everything else that makes her nothing like a pitbull, kind sir'
Random stranger: Are you sure?
Me: Urm... yes.
Random stranger: I think she's a Pitbull. She looks like one.
*I slowly back away and keep walking*
I've experienced variations of the above conversations several times, and each time, these comments are made in complete seriousness. See my profile page for a picture of the guide dog in question. Sometimes, I wonder whether I'm the one who's blind. What do you think? :-)
2. Welcome to the doggy night-time garage: please mind the waggy tails
Another question I am often asked that still baffles me goes something like this:
Random stranger tells me I have such a nice dog. We exchange a few words. All is going well. Then random stranger asks: "I always wondered... Where does your dog go at night? Does she go home with you?"
Inevitably, visions of a guide doggy garage comically fill my mind. I begin to imagine rows and rows of mostly furry little Labradors being refueled with platters of kibble. Then I begin to wonder (not always a good thing). Where exactly do the blind people go after they drop their guide dogs off at the garage?
3. Is that your spare guide dog?
Ah yes. How silly of me. Clearly, the answer to my question above is that they simply call upon their spare guide dog, waiting around for his shift.
This story took place at a food court. At the time, my husband (otherwise known as alifetolove) had a guide dog of his own. Unlike me, my husband is actually partially sighted. Though people often equate "blindness" with total lack of sight, the truth is that the legal definition of blindness ranges from those who can still read print to those with no usable sight at all, and actually, most people with visual impairments have some degree of vision.
On this particular day, a person at the cash who had probably seen us many times before said that it was so nice that I had this government volunteer (my husband) to bring around my spare guide dog. Again, this was said in complete seriousness. At first I was mildly offended that she thought I only had someone with me because they were "volunteering" their time. Then I thought she must have a very nice image of the government if she believed they cared enough to provide me with my very own husband. Then, I thought about the whole concept in general and couldn't help but laugh. A lot.
4. Your dog can cross streets? Oh yeah? Well, mine can read. Try to beat that one, buddy!
Another frequent misconception is that guide dogs can read signs. It's actually much more of a partnership than that. Guide dogs are trained to navigate in a straight line from point A to point B. They're also trained to avoid or navigate around obstacles. If I give my dog a command to move forward when it is unsafe, she is trained to disobey the command. This is known as "intelligent disobedience". But, it's my job to have a map in my mind of where it is I would like to go, and to give those directions to my dog. To cross the street, I listen to the sound of parallel traffic to determine when the light has changed, and then tell my dog to move forward. We work together to reach our destination, and at all times, I must be alert and aware of where I am, much like someone who is steering a car - except mine is cuter, and furrier, and the exchange of trust and love is much more rewarding.
Still, the misconception prevails, which leads very often to peculiar encounters such as this:
(while waiting for the bus)
Well-meaning person: Oh, excuse me ma'am. Do you know you're waiting for the bus?
Me *I smile*: Oh yes, thank you.
Me (in my head): Noooo. I was just standing here for the past 20 minutes in this line of people thinking we were all going to get free ice cream. Now I'm really disappointed, and so is my dog!
Well-meaning person (in an impressed, serious voice): Oh yes. I guess your dog sees the bus number. Smart dog!
Then one day on the metro, I overheard an amusing conversation. I often overhear funny conversations because some people seem to think that being blind means you are also deaf. This sometimes leads to them flailing and gesticulating wildly whilst speaking very loudly to me - quite alarming - or, speaking about me to someone else right in front of my face as though I can't hear or understand at all. This particular exchange involved one stranger telling a fellow stranger that the reason I knew it was my metro stop is because my dog counts the stops. The listening stranger replied in awe, "wow, that's amazing!"
Clearly, I had nothing to do with this. For it is much more believable that guide dog school involves a blackboard and a bunch of hooked-on-phonics dogs-in-training attentively taking notes while practising their letters and numbers. Much more believable than, say, the blind person counting the metro stops herself. :)
(This exchange was very funny, though I should admit that my dog often does get up at the correct stop, because she is probably used to the amount of time it takes and because she is very attentive to my own movement as well. She can usually tell when I'm about to get up.)
5. Oh, you're blind? Neat! I once knew a blind person. Maybe you know her too?
The last statement I'd like to share was also never meant to be funny, and yet, my friend and I still laugh about it to this day.
When she first met me, she told me that she once knew a blind person. I get this a lot. "Oh, I never met a blind person before" or "oh, I once knew another blind person too!" I never quite know how to respond. In this particular instance, I went on and on about how you shouldn't assume that just because I happen to be blind, that this means I know every other blind person in the world. yata yata yata. And how we really don't all know each other. It's not like there's a secret society or something. yata yata yata. And then my friend says: "Her name is Sharie". (long pause). I respond: "Oh yeah. I totally know her!"
These stories instantly came to mind when I heard the word "jayus". They were all said to me in seriousness and were never meant to be funny, but as you can see, sometimes it is those things you don't expect to hear and that completely take you by surprise that are the funniest of all. I should also note that I've had many wonderful conversations with others and that the above statements by no means reflect how most people think, but they're definitely worth a chuckle.
And now, one more story to brighten up your day as much as it did mine when it happened. This was an exchange that took place between my nephew, who was 3 at the time, and myself. Again, he never meant it to be funny -- but I'll definitely be reminding him about this story when he's older!
D: I'm going to get a dog when i'm bigger.
Me: Oh, that's nice. What kind of dog do you want? A labrador?
D: No silly. I can't get one of those! (he laughs)
Me: Why not?
D: Because I'm not blind!
Kids say the darndest things :-) Have a wonderful week everyone!
I step off the bus, holding the harness firmly in hand, and utter the "forward" command that propels us onward toward our destination, via a route that we are so accustomed to traversing that our movement does not disrupt my early-morning daydreams or drowsy inattention. After ten years of travelling the same route to school or work - walk a block, take the bus, walk a bit more, take the metro - I can reliably profess that I can do it with my eyes shut.
Really.
... No, seriously.
Because I'm blind, and the harness I am holding belongs to my guide dog.
Travelling without sight can indeed lead to some "interesting" (read: special) experiences, but not for the reasons you may think. The truth is, blindness is a low incidence disability, and the image of the lost and stumbling blind person that is often perpetuated in the media is, for the most part, wholly inaccurate. Misconceptions and stereotypes abound, and as someone who is blind and also as someone who works within the profession of teaching the blind, I try doing what I can to educate others and try to provide a more realistic, positive example of what it "means to be blind".
But here is the secret: There is no such thing as "What it means to be blind" because, of course, we are as diverse and individual as anyone else. There are those commonalities, however, that many of us share, such as the often well-meaning but humorous comments we receive from members of the public - statements that are said in complete seriousness, but in retrospect, you can't help but find really funny. (you know, those "it's kind of sad" but actually kind of really funny too situations).
Truly, I don't mind that people ask questions. That is how we learn. That is how we become less ignorant of things we don't understand. It is a good thing. It's just sometimes hard to imagine what is going on in people's heads when they ask certain questions. You'll understand what I mean. :)
So, drum roll please, as I present to you the top 5 most unfunny things said by random strangers that are actually really funny. And 100% completely true.
1. One of these dogs looks just like the other ... or, not
It is quite plausible that many people were out doing something else when the Sesame Street episode about 'things that are alike and things that are different' was being aired. You know the one I mean ("one of these things is not like the other"). Maybe they were busy striking up a conversation with an unsuspecting blind person. hee, just joking! Whatever the case may be, this may transpire in one of two ways:
Scenario #1:
Person: oh, what a nice dog! I have one just like that!
Me (kind smile): oh, thank you. Yes, she's a very good girl
Person: yes, except my dog's smaller *pause* And her ears are pointy. *pause* And she's a lighter colour *pause* but otherwise she looks just like mine!
Me: what kind of dog do you have? This is a Labrador.
Person: a chawawa
And then the reverse… scenario #2:
Random stranger: oh, what a nice dog! Is she a pitbull?
Me: Um... No, she's a yellow lab actually.
Me (in my head), 'note the golden floppy ears... among... well, everything else that makes her nothing like a pitbull, kind sir'
Random stranger: Are you sure?
Me: Urm... yes.
Random stranger: I think she's a Pitbull. She looks like one.
*I slowly back away and keep walking*
I've experienced variations of the above conversations several times, and each time, these comments are made in complete seriousness. See my profile page for a picture of the guide dog in question. Sometimes, I wonder whether I'm the one who's blind. What do you think? :-)
2. Welcome to the doggy night-time garage: please mind the waggy tails
Another question I am often asked that still baffles me goes something like this:
Random stranger tells me I have such a nice dog. We exchange a few words. All is going well. Then random stranger asks: "I always wondered... Where does your dog go at night? Does she go home with you?"
Inevitably, visions of a guide doggy garage comically fill my mind. I begin to imagine rows and rows of mostly furry little Labradors being refueled with platters of kibble. Then I begin to wonder (not always a good thing). Where exactly do the blind people go after they drop their guide dogs off at the garage?
3. Is that your spare guide dog?
Ah yes. How silly of me. Clearly, the answer to my question above is that they simply call upon their spare guide dog, waiting around for his shift.
This story took place at a food court. At the time, my husband (otherwise known as alifetolove) had a guide dog of his own. Unlike me, my husband is actually partially sighted. Though people often equate "blindness" with total lack of sight, the truth is that the legal definition of blindness ranges from those who can still read print to those with no usable sight at all, and actually, most people with visual impairments have some degree of vision.
On this particular day, a person at the cash who had probably seen us many times before said that it was so nice that I had this government volunteer (my husband) to bring around my spare guide dog. Again, this was said in complete seriousness. At first I was mildly offended that she thought I only had someone with me because they were "volunteering" their time. Then I thought she must have a very nice image of the government if she believed they cared enough to provide me with my very own husband. Then, I thought about the whole concept in general and couldn't help but laugh. A lot.
4. Your dog can cross streets? Oh yeah? Well, mine can read. Try to beat that one, buddy!
Another frequent misconception is that guide dogs can read signs. It's actually much more of a partnership than that. Guide dogs are trained to navigate in a straight line from point A to point B. They're also trained to avoid or navigate around obstacles. If I give my dog a command to move forward when it is unsafe, she is trained to disobey the command. This is known as "intelligent disobedience". But, it's my job to have a map in my mind of where it is I would like to go, and to give those directions to my dog. To cross the street, I listen to the sound of parallel traffic to determine when the light has changed, and then tell my dog to move forward. We work together to reach our destination, and at all times, I must be alert and aware of where I am, much like someone who is steering a car - except mine is cuter, and furrier, and the exchange of trust and love is much more rewarding.
Still, the misconception prevails, which leads very often to peculiar encounters such as this:
(while waiting for the bus)
Well-meaning person: Oh, excuse me ma'am. Do you know you're waiting for the bus?
Me *I smile*: Oh yes, thank you.
Me (in my head): Noooo. I was just standing here for the past 20 minutes in this line of people thinking we were all going to get free ice cream. Now I'm really disappointed, and so is my dog!
Well-meaning person (in an impressed, serious voice): Oh yes. I guess your dog sees the bus number. Smart dog!
Then one day on the metro, I overheard an amusing conversation. I often overhear funny conversations because some people seem to think that being blind means you are also deaf. This sometimes leads to them flailing and gesticulating wildly whilst speaking very loudly to me - quite alarming - or, speaking about me to someone else right in front of my face as though I can't hear or understand at all. This particular exchange involved one stranger telling a fellow stranger that the reason I knew it was my metro stop is because my dog counts the stops. The listening stranger replied in awe, "wow, that's amazing!"
Clearly, I had nothing to do with this. For it is much more believable that guide dog school involves a blackboard and a bunch of hooked-on-phonics dogs-in-training attentively taking notes while practising their letters and numbers. Much more believable than, say, the blind person counting the metro stops herself. :)
(This exchange was very funny, though I should admit that my dog often does get up at the correct stop, because she is probably used to the amount of time it takes and because she is very attentive to my own movement as well. She can usually tell when I'm about to get up.)
5. Oh, you're blind? Neat! I once knew a blind person. Maybe you know her too?
The last statement I'd like to share was also never meant to be funny, and yet, my friend and I still laugh about it to this day.
When she first met me, she told me that she once knew a blind person. I get this a lot. "Oh, I never met a blind person before" or "oh, I once knew another blind person too!" I never quite know how to respond. In this particular instance, I went on and on about how you shouldn't assume that just because I happen to be blind, that this means I know every other blind person in the world. yata yata yata. And how we really don't all know each other. It's not like there's a secret society or something. yata yata yata. And then my friend says: "Her name is Sharie". (long pause). I respond: "Oh yeah. I totally know her!"
These stories instantly came to mind when I heard the word "jayus". They were all said to me in seriousness and were never meant to be funny, but as you can see, sometimes it is those things you don't expect to hear and that completely take you by surprise that are the funniest of all. I should also note that I've had many wonderful conversations with others and that the above statements by no means reflect how most people think, but they're definitely worth a chuckle.
And now, one more story to brighten up your day as much as it did mine when it happened. This was an exchange that took place between my nephew, who was 3 at the time, and myself. Again, he never meant it to be funny -- but I'll definitely be reminding him about this story when he's older!
D: I'm going to get a dog when i'm bigger.
Me: Oh, that's nice. What kind of dog do you want? A labrador?
D: No silly. I can't get one of those! (he laughs)
Me: Why not?
D: Because I'm not blind!
Kids say the darndest things :-) Have a wonderful week everyone!