A Daughter
I guess a little bit of background is required here.
I was born Jennifer McDonald to two drug-abusing teenagers. My biological father, the very Irish son of my hometown's police chief, was a police officer and Army soldier and a crack dealer on the side. My mother, only 19 when she had me, worked at the cafeteria at the hospital and had graduated from tech school with a specialty in culinary arts.
While both very smart people, they made very bad life choices. My father asked my mom to marry him but she refused because she felt he wasn't ready to be exclusive. She kept the ring and gave it to me when I was 14. I've never taken it off.
Anyway, my father was never too much a part of my life. After I was hospitalized at age 2 with kidney disease, he came to visit (I had a giant overstuffed teddy bear for a good portion of my childhood that I hear came from him) but that's the last I hear he was around. Later, when I was 6 or 7, when I was walking my infant brother in his stroller with my aunt, we ran into him and I think I may have talked to him on the phone a couple of times.
When I was 8, I was adopted by my stepfather and my biological father was in jail so he couldn't show up at the court proceedings to fight for me. When I was 10, he called my mother and begged her to let him talk to me because he was going to jail again. My adopted father punched a hole in the wall and that was the end of that discussion.
When I was 18, my mother gave me his phone number. I called it, he said hello and I hung up. I saved that number in my email and it was deleted during a vengeful spat of anger (no offense, Riana).
So, the fact of the matter is, if 10 men walked into a room and someone told me one of them was my father, I couldn't point him out to you. I know nothing about him except what I have detailed here and that he's 6"1'. My mother doesn't remember his eye color or anything he liked to do. She doesn't remember how they met.
A month ago, my mother emailed me (cuz we don't talk) and told me she had run into my father (his name is Jeff) and he wanted to talk to me. She told me she gave him my contact information but nothing ever came. Sooo I sent him this email yesterday.
Hello --
My mother sent me an email, telling me that she had run into you and that you wanted to speak with me. She said that you had my email but it's been awhile and I haven't received anything so I figured I would be the first one to just go ahead and take the big step.
I'm not sure what to say. I mean, I don't ever really remember talking to you and I don't know what you know about where I am or what I'm doing. I don't imagine Mom told you too much because she doesn't care enough to know any of that herself. Sounds mean, but I just haven't talked to her in any real sense in the last 5 years.
Anyway, that's not really important. I'm just sort of babbling along here. In any case, I'm not really sure what you want to talk about or if there's something important you want to tell me or if you just wanted to make general contact.
Hope you and your family are doing well and maybe I'll hear from you soon,
Jen
I know it seems so impersonal, so uncertain but I don't know what to say. What do you say to a man that you've never known but always wondered about?
He sent this to me today. This is the first contact I've had with my father since I was 6 or 7 and that really could have been a dream for all I truly remember of it.
Jen,
I ran into your mother at home depot as you probably already know. I asked how you were doing. I wanted to know if you were ok.
This e-mail is more than I ever could have expected. Your mother said you would never talk to me. I figured in a way that may be what I deserve. If I had more backbone things may be very different. For that I do apologize.
I would definitely like to know where you are and what you are doing. If you feel that this is something that you might like to share with me that would be great. E-mail is fine with me, but if you would like to call me it's -----.
Hope to hear from you soon
Jeff
I can't even describe what I'm feeling here. I've wanted for so long to know what he's like, if I have any siblings, if he even remembers me. What is the Irish side of my family like? What are their traditions? What is the gossip? What hereditary traits could I have?
I don't know what to tell him. There's an entire lifetime that he's not been here. I could easily go year by year and have hundreds of conversations about everything I have ever done. What does he even want to know?
I'm moving in four months. Andy says I should set up a meeting with him but I have no idea how awkward that would be. Would he recognize me? Would he want to hug me? It'd be like hugging a stranger. Would he recognize the ring I wear? Would he hate me? Would he expect me to be someone different altogether?
What if he's just a deadbeat asshole? I've been building up this absent man in my head forever. There were times when I was younger and my aunts, with me in tow, would see him in the parking lot and would ask me to go say "hi" and I never would. They assumed it was because I was mad but it was more because I was shy. I didn't know what to say then and I don't know what to say now.
I don't know if I should be angry with him for not being there when I was needing someone to be a father, especially someone who didn't beat me or call me fat, ugly, stupid, whatever. He probably won't have been a better parent.
I am so confused. I don't know what to feel or say or do or want.
I don't even know why I wanted to talk to him in the first place. It seems important to know where you came from, to know what kind of family you have.
Maybe I'll just write back.
I was born Jennifer McDonald to two drug-abusing teenagers. My biological father, the very Irish son of my hometown's police chief, was a police officer and Army soldier and a crack dealer on the side. My mother, only 19 when she had me, worked at the cafeteria at the hospital and had graduated from tech school with a specialty in culinary arts.
While both very smart people, they made very bad life choices. My father asked my mom to marry him but she refused because she felt he wasn't ready to be exclusive. She kept the ring and gave it to me when I was 14. I've never taken it off.
Anyway, my father was never too much a part of my life. After I was hospitalized at age 2 with kidney disease, he came to visit (I had a giant overstuffed teddy bear for a good portion of my childhood that I hear came from him) but that's the last I hear he was around. Later, when I was 6 or 7, when I was walking my infant brother in his stroller with my aunt, we ran into him and I think I may have talked to him on the phone a couple of times.
When I was 8, I was adopted by my stepfather and my biological father was in jail so he couldn't show up at the court proceedings to fight for me. When I was 10, he called my mother and begged her to let him talk to me because he was going to jail again. My adopted father punched a hole in the wall and that was the end of that discussion.
When I was 18, my mother gave me his phone number. I called it, he said hello and I hung up. I saved that number in my email and it was deleted during a vengeful spat of anger (no offense, Riana).
So, the fact of the matter is, if 10 men walked into a room and someone told me one of them was my father, I couldn't point him out to you. I know nothing about him except what I have detailed here and that he's 6"1'. My mother doesn't remember his eye color or anything he liked to do. She doesn't remember how they met.
A month ago, my mother emailed me (cuz we don't talk) and told me she had run into my father (his name is Jeff) and he wanted to talk to me. She told me she gave him my contact information but nothing ever came. Sooo I sent him this email yesterday.
Hello --
My mother sent me an email, telling me that she had run into you and that you wanted to speak with me. She said that you had my email but it's been awhile and I haven't received anything so I figured I would be the first one to just go ahead and take the big step.
I'm not sure what to say. I mean, I don't ever really remember talking to you and I don't know what you know about where I am or what I'm doing. I don't imagine Mom told you too much because she doesn't care enough to know any of that herself. Sounds mean, but I just haven't talked to her in any real sense in the last 5 years.
Anyway, that's not really important. I'm just sort of babbling along here. In any case, I'm not really sure what you want to talk about or if there's something important you want to tell me or if you just wanted to make general contact.
Hope you and your family are doing well and maybe I'll hear from you soon,
Jen
I know it seems so impersonal, so uncertain but I don't know what to say. What do you say to a man that you've never known but always wondered about?
He sent this to me today. This is the first contact I've had with my father since I was 6 or 7 and that really could have been a dream for all I truly remember of it.
Jen,
I ran into your mother at home depot as you probably already know. I asked how you were doing. I wanted to know if you were ok.
This e-mail is more than I ever could have expected. Your mother said you would never talk to me. I figured in a way that may be what I deserve. If I had more backbone things may be very different. For that I do apologize.
I would definitely like to know where you are and what you are doing. If you feel that this is something that you might like to share with me that would be great. E-mail is fine with me, but if you would like to call me it's -----.
Hope to hear from you soon
Jeff
I can't even describe what I'm feeling here. I've wanted for so long to know what he's like, if I have any siblings, if he even remembers me. What is the Irish side of my family like? What are their traditions? What is the gossip? What hereditary traits could I have?
I don't know what to tell him. There's an entire lifetime that he's not been here. I could easily go year by year and have hundreds of conversations about everything I have ever done. What does he even want to know?
I'm moving in four months. Andy says I should set up a meeting with him but I have no idea how awkward that would be. Would he recognize me? Would he want to hug me? It'd be like hugging a stranger. Would he recognize the ring I wear? Would he hate me? Would he expect me to be someone different altogether?
What if he's just a deadbeat asshole? I've been building up this absent man in my head forever. There were times when I was younger and my aunts, with me in tow, would see him in the parking lot and would ask me to go say "hi" and I never would. They assumed it was because I was mad but it was more because I was shy. I didn't know what to say then and I don't know what to say now.
I don't know if I should be angry with him for not being there when I was needing someone to be a father, especially someone who didn't beat me or call me fat, ugly, stupid, whatever. He probably won't have been a better parent.
I am so confused. I don't know what to feel or say or do or want.
I don't even know why I wanted to talk to him in the first place. It seems important to know where you came from, to know what kind of family you have.
Maybe I'll just write back.