Filthy, filthy children.
People much smarter and more qualified than myself have pointed out, time and time again, that our craze with anti-bacterial soap and antibiotics is pretty much going to kill us all in about fifty years. Our children, whose parents are afraid to let them play outside, go to kindergarten or public school, are growing up in anti-septic environments. I've been to houses where Bubble Boy could eat food off the floor and walk out healthier than he walked in. These children have the immune system of a 13-year-old leukemia patient who just got back from a three-week-long heroin binge at a gay bar.
The only solution is to make sure that the next generation of children is incredibly resistant to bacteria. There are easy ways to do this.
First, stop washing your hands. Period. Even if you just came back from a vacation in Tijuana and emptied a gallon of fluid from deep within your bowels and want to fix yourself and your children some sandwiches, stay away from the soap. As long as your hands don't look like you were fishing trinkets out of a sewer, you're good.
Second, let - nay, make that force - your children to play outside. Ideally, you should live in a neighborhood where you don't have to pick up after your dogs. Encourage your children to play games where you fall down a lot. Suggestions include football, frisbee, and kick-to-the-shins. A good way to judge whether your child is dirty enough is to weigh him before and after a shower. If he doesn't drop at least a pound of dirt down the drain, send him right back out. And it goes without saying, of course, that the shower soap should most definitely not be anti-bacterial. If at all possible, try to make your own at home (without blowing anything up, please.)
Third, encourage your child to be a touchy feely person. This will ensure plenty of contact with people, animals and things that are covered in bacteria. If your child is naturally reticent about touching the homeless, it may help to blind-fold him for several hours a day and take him on a trip to the zoo, to the alley, or to the local free clinic.
Remember, your children may come down with a few bouts of the cold, or chicken pox, or the black plague, but at the very least when you're dying of antibiotic-hardened flesh-eating bacteria, at least you'll know that they're safe.
Filthy, but safe.
(Party photos are coming, hold your horses. This is important, damnit.)
The only solution is to make sure that the next generation of children is incredibly resistant to bacteria. There are easy ways to do this.
First, stop washing your hands. Period. Even if you just came back from a vacation in Tijuana and emptied a gallon of fluid from deep within your bowels and want to fix yourself and your children some sandwiches, stay away from the soap. As long as your hands don't look like you were fishing trinkets out of a sewer, you're good.
Second, let - nay, make that force - your children to play outside. Ideally, you should live in a neighborhood where you don't have to pick up after your dogs. Encourage your children to play games where you fall down a lot. Suggestions include football, frisbee, and kick-to-the-shins. A good way to judge whether your child is dirty enough is to weigh him before and after a shower. If he doesn't drop at least a pound of dirt down the drain, send him right back out. And it goes without saying, of course, that the shower soap should most definitely not be anti-bacterial. If at all possible, try to make your own at home (without blowing anything up, please.)
Third, encourage your child to be a touchy feely person. This will ensure plenty of contact with people, animals and things that are covered in bacteria. If your child is naturally reticent about touching the homeless, it may help to blind-fold him for several hours a day and take him on a trip to the zoo, to the alley, or to the local free clinic.
Remember, your children may come down with a few bouts of the cold, or chicken pox, or the black plague, but at the very least when you're dying of antibiotic-hardened flesh-eating bacteria, at least you'll know that they're safe.
Filthy, but safe.
(Party photos are coming, hold your horses. This is important, damnit.)