If Thomas Hardy books were set in a time where divorce and sexual liberation were acceptable
Tess: I am looking after my distant cousin's poultry, in the most pointlessly nepotistic job placement ever.
Alec: Will you have sex with me?
Tess: No. You disgust me.
(Much has been written about the ambiguity of Tess' response. These writers must have been reading a different text to me).
Alec: rapes Tess.
Tess: Possibly I felt more ambiguous than I thought, since I will now shack up with you for several weeks.
Tess after several weeks: OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE I WILL GO HOME TO MY REAL FAMILY. But I do feel too ambiguous and guilty to press charges.
Alec: he he.
Tess: I am pregnant at a time when my family is in dire financial straits. Any chance of some child maintenance?
Tess a year later: my child died :'(
Alec: wanna make another?
Tess: NO. Goodbye.
Tess: I am cheerily working on a dairy farm! Hi Angel!
Angel: I love you. Want to get married?
Tess: You should probably know I had a child with someone else when I was younger. The child died :'(
Angel: You are a different person to who I thought you were. I cannot marry you.
Marianne: judgemental prick. You're better off without him.
Tess: is brokenhearted, but neither murders anyone nor gets executed for it.
Angel: possibly eventually gets over it and comes back, and has more sensible ideas about ancient families thereafter.
Euphrasia: Wildeve I luv u.
Wildeve: Euphrasia I luv Thomasina.
Euphrasia: yo Clym I luv u, tell me about Paris.
Thomasina and Wildeve go steady. Clym and Euphrasia go steady. Diggory Venn builds his business.
Clym: Euphrasia darling, you should know I really don't intend to move back to Paris, please don't sulk.
Euphrasia: why hello Mrs Yeobright! Ur son Clym is asleep but Wildeve wot is dating ur niece Tomasina is here. Wld u like tea and a rest until Clym wakes up?
Mrs Yeobright: yes please, I think I would like to stay until it is cool enough to walk back, thank you.
Wildeve: I hav inherited £££, want 2 travel
Thomasina: I just want to stay here and look after our daughter.
Euphrasia: I want 2 travel w/ u, Wildeve. Bye Egdon!
Diggory: Thomasina, would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Thomasina: yes please that would be lovely.
Clym: I will LIVE MY LIFE ALONE AND SAD because I only loved but once. But I did that in the book too.
Nobody: drowns in the millpond for plot reasons
Gabriel: Bathsheba, I love you far more than is common.
Bathsheba: I am not dating right now. Excuse me I have a farm to manage.
Gabriel: shit sheepdogs are rubbish sometimes. Bathsheba can I please have a job, I did just save your sorry ass for the first time.
Bathsheba: I will send a Valentine! There is no way this could have unfortunate effects quite out of proportion to the silliness which leads me to do it.
Boldwood: I love you and I want to marry you.
Bathsheba: um. Not dating right now.
Troy: come on a date!
Fanny Robin: fails to correctly identify church.
Bathsheba: Troy you're cute. Let's have a fling. Oh, crap, you're a TERRIBLE farmer.
Gabriel: saves the hayricks.
Troy: actually I prefer Fanny Robin, the mother of my child, and she is DEAD. Because I am an idiot.
Bathsheba: bye then. Not dating again.
Boldwood: stalks
Bathsheba: still not dating.
Gabriel: maybe a coffee after work? I do manage your estates after all.
Bathsheba: ok
Bathsheba and Gabriel: develop a happy relationship. The only blot on their happiness is the slightly stalkerish neighbour, but he never really has reason to flare up.
Alec: Will you have sex with me?
Tess: No. You disgust me.
(Much has been written about the ambiguity of Tess' response. These writers must have been reading a different text to me).
Alec: rapes Tess.
Tess: Possibly I felt more ambiguous than I thought, since I will now shack up with you for several weeks.
Tess after several weeks: OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE I WILL GO HOME TO MY REAL FAMILY. But I do feel too ambiguous and guilty to press charges.
Alec: he he.
Tess: I am pregnant at a time when my family is in dire financial straits. Any chance of some child maintenance?
Tess a year later: my child died :'(
Alec: wanna make another?
Tess: NO. Goodbye.
Tess: I am cheerily working on a dairy farm! Hi Angel!
Angel: I love you. Want to get married?
Tess: You should probably know I had a child with someone else when I was younger. The child died :'(
Angel: You are a different person to who I thought you were. I cannot marry you.
Marianne: judgemental prick. You're better off without him.
Tess: is brokenhearted, but neither murders anyone nor gets executed for it.
Angel: possibly eventually gets over it and comes back, and has more sensible ideas about ancient families thereafter.
Euphrasia: Wildeve I luv u.
Wildeve: Euphrasia I luv Thomasina.
Euphrasia: yo Clym I luv u, tell me about Paris.
Thomasina and Wildeve go steady. Clym and Euphrasia go steady. Diggory Venn builds his business.
Clym: Euphrasia darling, you should know I really don't intend to move back to Paris, please don't sulk.
Euphrasia: why hello Mrs Yeobright! Ur son Clym is asleep but Wildeve wot is dating ur niece Tomasina is here. Wld u like tea and a rest until Clym wakes up?
Mrs Yeobright: yes please, I think I would like to stay until it is cool enough to walk back, thank you.
Wildeve: I hav inherited £££, want 2 travel
Thomasina: I just want to stay here and look after our daughter.
Euphrasia: I want 2 travel w/ u, Wildeve. Bye Egdon!
Diggory: Thomasina, would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Thomasina: yes please that would be lovely.
Clym: I will LIVE MY LIFE ALONE AND SAD because I only loved but once. But I did that in the book too.
Nobody: drowns in the millpond for plot reasons
Gabriel: Bathsheba, I love you far more than is common.
Bathsheba: I am not dating right now. Excuse me I have a farm to manage.
Gabriel: shit sheepdogs are rubbish sometimes. Bathsheba can I please have a job, I did just save your sorry ass for the first time.
Bathsheba: I will send a Valentine! There is no way this could have unfortunate effects quite out of proportion to the silliness which leads me to do it.
Boldwood: I love you and I want to marry you.
Bathsheba: um. Not dating right now.
Troy: come on a date!
Fanny Robin: fails to correctly identify church.
Bathsheba: Troy you're cute. Let's have a fling. Oh, crap, you're a TERRIBLE farmer.
Gabriel: saves the hayricks.
Troy: actually I prefer Fanny Robin, the mother of my child, and she is DEAD. Because I am an idiot.
Bathsheba: bye then. Not dating again.
Boldwood: stalks
Bathsheba: still not dating.
Gabriel: maybe a coffee after work? I do manage your estates after all.
Bathsheba: ok
Bathsheba and Gabriel: develop a happy relationship. The only blot on their happiness is the slightly stalkerish neighbour, but he never really has reason to flare up.