(no subject)

[paulynka]

16 weeks to go.
Current mood: exhausted

16 weeks left for this girl and london ontario...
And finally, I am enjoying this city and not hating it to death like I once did.

I have been alive for almost two decades and I feel as though my life so far has just been a warm up the real thing starts when I move to Vancouver.

Everynight before I fall asleep I think of living on my own, painting my apartment and making it look the way I've always pictured it.
Art everywhere, furniture from thrifty antique stores.
I think of drinking wine on the beach late at night with friends that I have not met yet but will one day be very close to my heart.
Maybe I'll even fall in love again and who ever this boy may be will run around with me late at night through the city, chasing nothing but dust.
We'll have breakfast on the floor in our underwear.
Black coffee and skin - the two most perfect things to start the day with.

When ever I feel slightly down at all these days this beating in my heart automatically puts a smile on my face. I get to go to school for the one thing I love and do everyday, not a lot of people get to say that.
Even though it's silly to do this now, slowly I have been packing away my things, bit by bit and with every tossed out "sentimental" thing, I'm slowly letting go of all of this.

First loves fade away, friends stay close by me. The nights we spent getting wasted. All the times I wished I was older so I could start all of this...

Apart of me wishes that I took my time instead of rushing into everything like I do...but that wouldn't be me. Impulsive actions is why I am going in the direction I am headed and it feels fantastic.

So right now, I'm making my last 16 weeks, for my last words and final ties before I have to say goodbye for good.

Nothing left in my body but a little bit of nostalgia and hope and happiness for the future.

Everything is ok with everything and everyone, even if it is not outwardly known I've put everything to rest in my heart.

Lately, this is what this box for a city has given me.....

........A year ago I wrote a screen play and before I tore it up and refused to admit that I wrote it or lived it...the ending had the girl gone.
I feel like I am about to re-enact my own stories ending. It's a strange feeling, to put your own life down in words and then add an ending that has not yet taken place.. only to find yourself living the rest out exactly the way you ended it on paper.
Sometimes I look around and I think that everyone's deranged.
The Elevator skipping up through floors. His mouth full of stale smoke..laying down beside her she has no idea his hands touched someone else.
His lips kissed someone so familiar to him yet with each exhale it was as if someone was driving another stake of jagged metal down his throat.
He shouldn't want this but it happens, it always happens. Does that tell you something?
It was never meant to happen in the first place and he can't remember why it even did.
When a force you can not control pulls your heart to someone else and your lives could never fit together.... it kills you slowly.
So here he is, she smiles sweetly, could this really comfort such a corrupt heart? It's always the nice girls that are blind to it all.
Popping pills it never seems to stop and the aching in his guts spreads itself out and down, through his thighs, shaking at his knees, grabbing at the ground - pulling him down.

....This love is just convenience trapped in city blocks.

I listened to a man talk today, he had lost his wife a few years back..
"when I was with her I never even looked at anyone else, she was it for me."
Suddenly I feel there is hope in the world again. I believe in love and people.. and I know that I'm right...
When you truly love someone, the way I once loved someone, the way you are supposed to love someone, you would never betray them by cheating on them.
I know now what I need to know and with each new step I take I will be closer to attaining everything I want out of this life.

I went out and I stop myself after two drinks.

One thing sticks out in my mind...I'm sitting across the table from a few people, Carly offers me her beer, I take a sip and then slide it back.
Some way or another as conversations usually do branch off, there is chatter about dating and all of sudden I find myself walking home thinking about what the boy in-front of me said.
I don't know him very well. We've spoken a few times only recently, though we've seen eachother around for years.
I don't remember the exact wording of it..but the main statement was that love is just convenience.
I thought about it for hours.
And it was astounding to think of all the people I know that are in relationships that they are not really even into all that much...

Yet, what if you truly love someone and it isn't convenient to you at all. What if it messes up everything else in your life and leaves you picking up the peices?
What if you have to re-arrange everything in-order to be with the person, and yet you still push and push.
The kind of love that leaves you crawling on the ground but your blood still thickens when your skin touches the other persons.
Does that give it the crown of being "true" love?
The test of still being in-love even though every possible force that could keep you apart is keeping you apart?
The kind of love you would die for?
I think about it some more and then it just slides down my shoulders and onto the street because it's leaving me exhausted........

I think back to this near stranger that got my mind pacing around in circles around me for hours.
This is why I listen to what everyone says, even listening in on other people's conversations, you never know what will trigger something inside you, even if it is by accident.

Some of the best moments of your life will be accidents.
Some of the happiest times in your life you will think are wrong, and you should not be living them.
Why are we so set in our ways? So down on ourselves?

It makes me sad, to look at people and see that they have so much inside them and yet, there he is twenty-four-years old, living his days out hour by hour always missing the fix.
There he is, twenty-six-years old, same job everyday, wanting to do this and do that, writing it all out but never really doing anything to truly get out.

Here we all are.....out of fear....

........and so here we go.......

......the stories keep sliding open then closed and we miss eachother.

You are on one level and the person you love is on the other.

Most of us just live with constant lies in our heads and hearts, we feed them to others, our friends, our family and all of a sudden here we are, an entire generation falling over one another.
Living in these pathetic realities we have created for ourselves because we were too lazy and too scared to go after what it really is that we want.
Each of us does not know what the fuck to do with our selves, but still the bottles clang together and we holler and yell and share the good times, climbing into bed with the person we "love."

How can that feel good? It's supposed to be about nothing more but passion, love, blending your spit with the person that has your heart wrapped up in such strings that make you want to touch yourself.
Honesty. Being honest with yourself. Betray you, betray the one you "love,".... and you don't really love them, at least not in the way that you should love someone. The kind of love when you can feel them reaching up inside you when you stand with your feet apart doing every day things - they aren't even in the room. They don't have to even be in the city.

Can you live with regret? or will it be a constant headache of "what if's," flowing through eight-am mornings when the party is wearing down but still the pills disolve into your tissues..
feel the love, feel the love.
Sedation - you have to learn to hate it.

I always knew what he was thinking. I always knew what he was feeling. I could never prove it.

You'll never know how this feels.

End of the day thoughts. My comfort is a cup of black coffee and a weird strawberry candy I'm sucking on.
Bare foot, a black night gown with light blue lace..right leg tucked beneath the other.

I feel as though I am living in my own shadow lately, just watching myself, tracing my finger down the back of my own neck.
The things I think about leave goosebumps on my skin.

If he just looked out the window in that same night there I would be, or at least the naive part of me, kissing a boy on a roof top, thinking there is something worth keeping of every hand held and kissed cheek.
I make the night worth something to a heart that is passing through his own skin, penatrating air only as a silhouette - a ghost from a nightmare he had as a child.
His feet touch the floor and the sensation of airless lungs grasps him by the throat - twisting. His Chest curling forward under the weight of the world.
There is no one, nothing, just an empty, airless, dirty little room littered with skin piercing points that blood his arms in scabs and cotton balls soaking up infection yet never easing the anxiety of secrets, worries, aprehensions and trials faced - stuck.

"Your something else he says," then offers me a drag of his cigarette. It was short lived ofcourse, but for the first time something other then my past made me feel dizzy.

And now it's all over and here we all are....is there anything even left to say?
I stop myself after two drinks - I have to keep everything together these days.
My head on straight.

I woke up in the morning after dreaming of my past clawing at me in a church. Everyone was there. We were watching two people getting married. I was tear-eyed of course. My past sat in-front of me ...
and in a mess of white and gold, and through the pews he grabbed me by the shoulders and begged me not to leave.
"We never had a chance, let's make this .. make this...."
It all faded out through the ringing of bells and his voice in violent tears. My face grew pale and the tears disapeared, calmly I asked him to stop.
I don't know what happened after that.. I just woke up.....opened my eyes only to feel my stomach clenching and a headache making me want to vomit out out my temples.
Everything in my room was stained grey but yet all too light and it bothered my eyes.
I pulled the blanket completely over my face. The back of my shirt was lifted and I fell back asleep with the curve in my spine sinking into a pile of crumpled sheets.

The last thought I had before I drifted away was of myself sitting at the bar on Saturday night. Some drunk girls I didn't care to talk to attacked me from side to side. One slid into me from the left and the other nearly sat on me from the right. "So are you and ( insert name here ) dating?"
My eyes opened wider moving from one girl to the next. Who are you crazy people? and how is this any of your buisness? I bit my cheek all too tempted to beat them with my umbrella.
"No, we hung out, fucked a few times, great sex really, nothing came of it though."
I smile, turn around and walk away.
It's hilarious, the looks you get from people that ask you a question without wanting the actual truth.........

Honesty is amazing - if only for the pure entertainment of it.

Living is addiction, it is an obsession to do something with your life that can lead us to gain talents we never knew even exsisited inside of us. We are all addicted to success, purity, religion, drugs, people. They say it's unhealthy - I say it's just life. It doesn't matter what the drug is, hope, sex, sleep, coffee, addiction can save us. You find out who you are, you drive yourself to do something with your life. Addiction can give us the problem, we already have the solution but the lack of honesty inside ourselves makes us unable to "save" oursleves, so hence why addiction is percieved as such a bad thing, when in fact it can make us grow if we acknowledge it and are honest with ourselves.

Emptyness and addiction go hand in hand. They are lovers. When you are addicted to something you fill your life with it and in order to do that you have to have emptyness, emptyness comes from traditions and ideals that society has set up upon us; expensive big weddings, going to school, insignificant things that we put value into every single day. We force ourselves into these things everyday, and everyday we want to make something of ourselves.

We feel tainted so we turn to a god we've never met, we feel lonely so we become desperate to find another human to spend the rest of our lives with, so in turn we settle. Marriages are supposed to be perfect, job's should be 9-5 and our highs and lows controlled by little white pills - perscription only of course. Excercise regularly, and avoid any sort of temptations that could deteriorate your ability to purse this so called "happiness" that society has defined for us.

Everytime we fall in love it is always with the same hope that it will be "the one." If we just took a breath and listened to that little gnawing feeling we would realize what was really going on. We would realize who we were really supposed to be with, instead we jump on any oppurtunity to make ourselves whole and plundge head first into something that really, probably will not last. After it falls apart, we fall apart. I have a few friends in their early twenties, who have told me "I think I am destined to be alone for ever," I just want to scream at that! It is the most ignorant thing I have ever heard! Do you honestly think that out of the billions of people on this planet you will not find ONE person that will be, spiritually, sexually, mentally, pleasing to your eyes, senses, desires, needs ec cetera and whom will return the same thoughts and inner core feelings for you?!! Come on now! I wish people didn't let the evil that plagues this universe corrupt their joining of two human spirits, two souls. So what is the next step after encountering someone who's chemical makeup draws you to them? Fear, struggle. A struggle in vain to avoid becoming linked together. It is fear that takes over and pushes us away from the person we secretly desire. Fear of rejection takes over, everything negative and evil starts to play out. "It would never work, we are too different.." blah blah blah........ The "devils" thoughts start to swim around our human bodies because naturally evil is stronger then good..but only if we allow it. If we take the stand and tell it to leave it has to go. There is such a thin line between love and hate that it is often hard to tell which is which. Some people are just so insecure and unable to tell what it really is they are feeling they need the intervention of a third party.

It takes a lot to be able to say STOP to all these feelings... and understand how you feel and why you feel that way. It takes a lot to be able to tell someone how you feel and lay yourself out on the line. Push aside the fear of rejection and push aside the evil energies that swim around you trying to keep you away from getting one step closer to finding the one person you are supposed to indulge in life’s little secrets with, your ‘soul mate’ perhaps. During our search for that one special person.. we come across relationships that appear so real, we obsess over them. Eventually they fade...

Bad or good, terrible or terrific, through these times you can find out the following; who loves you, who you love, who you don't want in your life, who you need in your life, who secretly despises you, who secretly adores you. Life is suffering I don't care what anyone says and the bitch of it all is Attitude, how you handle the things that get thrown into you is the most important thing you could ever do. To rise over ruin gives you passion to live, compassion for others and beauty for life. Life IS beautiful but it has to be cruel and it has to hurt for all those wonderful and sacred moments to ever mean anything to us. To make someone elses day brighter even while you are feeling like your chest is about to cave in. To contact someone you have not spoken in years even though the sense of rejection is so strong.

Even when that soul mate is found I am sure there is a process. Complications and testings are there that may cause pain, that is why it is so important I believe to practice forgiveness and tolerance. Sometimes people believe they can't be together because of "circumstances," "priorities" ec-cetera. I think that is bullshit. Love can over come anything. No wall is too high, and no wound too deep. If both partners were just willing to touch hands, noses, elbows, whatever and realize the magic that love is but that can not be done unless both are willing to practice forgiveness, sacrifice, effort, empathy, and desire. So, sometimes instead soul mates can even become enemies just simply because they do not know themselves well enough as individuals and let the negative forces take over and plague their lives. That is when our souls, where ever they live hang their heads, tears drop from their eyes and they hug each other looking down to what their physical bodies are doing to one another - hurting. We give ourselves away to people we couldn't care less about. When you make love to someone you heart bleeds into their soul and it can be the most euphoric and peaceful experience of your entire life. After that person is gone however or worse yet, if you have never experienced love like that but give yourself away to just anyone you end up hating yourself. You hate the person you are with but you hate yourself even more, and then you hate them again for making you hate yourself, then you hate yourself because you know it's not them it's really you. Sex, should be an act of utter love and when it is not it can be a viscious cycle that can destroy you - but hey!

............I'm picturing sitting on the beach alone watching the ocean.
I just sit there in-front of this large mass that seems so infinate, so ready to swallow up any warmth from me when I'll probably feel so alone - all alone. So far away.

Step by step now...
Right now the loan process starts....soon I'll have thousands of dollars to set-up my new life.........

smile, you have your whole life to be miserable.
Current mood: sleepy

I went out tonight to a party, I went out lastnight to a show, I went out the night prior to last to a bar...
and it all stays the same.
The same wasted people crawling ontop of one another trying to find some sort of mindless happiness.
I used to be one of them.
Because of that I now understand all sides of each extreme.
The addictions, the abstinence and the in-between,
which ever the case, one day, someone will love you for you.

When your barely breathing, sometimes all you need is the feeling of dirt and a hard floor underneath your foot when you sway back and worth to the beat - the ball of your foot directing staggerd movement.

The pure feeling of notes and beats rising, buzzing, through the floor, up through my legs and circling around each rib in my chest is like no other feeling in the world.

So hold on..there is something for you, there is always something or someone to hold onto when you feel like the world is about to trash you apart.

I know how you feel.

When someone can get inside you and make your entire body tremble.

The dirt on the wall.

A glance from a complete stranger, when you look back at someone you have never seen in your life and suddenly it is hard to swallow.

You smile and turn your glance away and as you leave through the door you wonder what you are walking away from?

You know your night was worth it, at least for three seconds.

I see so many crumble down and drag themselves through the dirt and I wonder why the dust doesn't clear from their eyes and what the point is in making your self choke.

I don't want to stay a single second longer because every corner of this place reminds of a time where I felt so lost,
how I came to find love in life again I'll never know, probably because I never lost it in the first place, I just never paid enough attention to myself to notice.

I fought everyday and somehow, I've never been happier.
Never been happier in a place that used to feel like bricks ripping down my back.

The more I live the more I realize the days don't offer you anything, you have to pick apart the way the air particles fall from the ceiling and look like snow when lit up by stage lights at whatever rock show.

You can spend your entire life looking for someone else to lift you up out of bed in the morning, and one day you will find it, atleast for a while maybe even for a decade, but realistically what happens when that fades away? what happens when that love, hope, life, eternity, sex, hug, kiss, breath on your neck, word, tear, hand held...what do you have when that is gone?
What happens when every nerve in your body throbs with desertion?

Sometimes the one you love will not love you back the way you had hoped and the one that loves you forever you don't love in-return....but in the cracks of these potential tragedies there is the stuff that life and dreams are made of.

Open your eyes because you are not that far gone and you can still make it and learn to love and live and be.

You call this a nightmare?
If you are afraid of yourself and keep changing for everyone but yourself, the streets you see everyday will blur and melt swallowing you up whole, but this time, this time it won't feel so good.

You can not fake yourself into being what you are not for someone else. You can not love someone else with out loving yourself first

I drove around today, the air is getting sweeter as the days I have left keep being marked off the calender.
We stopped in a parking lot and ate ice cream with our fingers right out of the box - these are the things you will one day remember, the little things.

The things that used to mean the world to me, feel just as casual as the wind blowing my hair in my face.

Live it in stages. Sometimes the best things are so short lived they make our hearts spin to the middle of our throats.

Over the years, the years that I thought meant the world to me, I learned the hard way that sometimes what you think means so much can in a second mean nothing at all.

it seems to me like a lot of the people I know, have come in-contact with in some cases even loved, just do not know what to do with themselves, so in-turn they jump at the chance to bring someone else down even if it is in the most absurd and ridiculous mannor.

To all those people I say thank you because with out you I would still probably be stuck here, wasting away, un-happily, jumping at the chance for someone else to save me