End on a bad note
God damn fucking bitchass.
I am not asleep right now, and that's only a symptom of bigger problems.
The past few days have included a good spread of the negative emotions. Blind rage, melancholy, alienation. And then this--I'm not really sure what this is. No doubt it's related, physiologically, with both not sleeping and the fact that theshowmustgo0n managed to fucking get me drunk, for the first time, really, in the true sense of the word, just like fucking that, allegedly because she was bored. But psycologically, I feel a lot of resentment towards my self and the World (like, as a unified body of experience that's then personified) for what I imagine as betrayel, or at least a practical joke of its (the World's) normal kind, but with a mean streak.
I've been trying to face what's turned into kind of an existential crisis head on, but have been finding it hard to mentally articulate it. So instead, I've been coping by punching my mattress, which then raises a not quite new but recently revived concern that I might be excessively violent and therefore a danger to people and inanimate objects around me.
The recent cause of this concern was my half-second flipping-out Tuesday night on my roommate, also avid -ive-ournal reader, who I wish right now I had a nasty nickname for because he's currently at the top of my Fuck You list, admittedly for not entirely rational reasons. Anyway, the argument was petty, of course, but it because heated, and at some point I just lost all control, lept at him screaming, knocked him backwards in his chair, and put my hands on his throat.
This was not civil.
Thankfully, he wasn't hurt, I was, of course, in the wrong, and immediately lost any semblence of the Moral High Ground. Later, after I apologized, the fucker denied the existence of the Moral High Ground, thereby securing his position at the top of it. I've been mulling things over a lot and have what I think are (but dare not just say are, because that layer of disclaimer is what seperates arrogance from allowable discourse...) good insights into the complexity of intention--how one can have both good and bad intentions at the same time and act based on the balance of them--and its consequences for judgments of morality. As far as the [insert senseless name-calling here] goes, I can only say that he did the best that could be expected of him, really, as a human, I guess.
But my own weaknesses have been hanging over my head for the past couple days and have pretty much been ruining them.
Right now, like, right now, I realize that all the things I want to talk about are pointing at a particularly soft and vulnerable hunk of emotional turmoil that I just can't talk about here. There is too much ancient, twisted baggage in it to unravel from the corners of my mind that don't get exposed to light and sorted out regularly. And the important people are all listening too closely.
So what do I do with this shit? Be vague? Here's a prediction: If things run the way I think they will run, then this summer could include a minor social disaster. Things don't run the way I think they are going to run--tonight is (was? last night?) an example. unfortunately (?). But maybe it's only my optimistic expectations that fail. Normally I can sense danger pretty well. And then deal with it by playing dead. Which ends badly.
Fucking birds. This time, the chirping sucks.
I wanted to throw in a retrospective of the past year into this post, but realized I'm in no position to do that. Since our memories of past events are essentailly reduced to the most extreme moment in the duration and the ending moment, it would certainly be overly colored by recent crappiness. I suppose that's the joy of a -ive-ournal--I don't have to depend on natural memory.
But I'm glad I'm getting out of here for a week and a bit before going back to Providence, so I can let the air clear a bit and try to work out some of the bullshit. There are some people I need to check up on who've had some rocky times recently. For once, maybe I'll get to comiserate--a juicy story, if I can find a way to articulate it honestly to them.
And I'm glad the year has ended and I can finally get away from the Toxic Element. (I think that's a good name to settle on...) I've often noted that my personality is often a reflection of whomever I'm interacting with--somehow I adapt, unthinkingly, to their language and mannerisms. (For those of you who know me--is that an overstatement? I guess you'd have no way of knowing, since you would only have access to how I interact with you. How much do you account for the variance in my personality? How high is that variance?) The Toxic Element is an exception though. He is too much Everything that is Evil to me, to the same extent as only one other person before him. And although we also have a frightening amount in common, I can't cop his issues, and wouldn't want to. But whatever system is responsible for adjusting communication to others just breaks down at that point, turns in on me, drives me crazy, and turns me (this is an excuse) into an asshole. (Note totally bogus self-diagnosis) Maybe away from that poisen I can be a better person.
I'd say the odds are very good that I will regret this later. But as Present Self, I'm giving a loud "Fuck you" to Future Self, even though it's totally not his fault. I think Future Self will understand and be forgiving though. He will understand, hopefully, that Present Self has had a rough couple of days, and what turned out to be an especially rough night.
I'm also going to not spell-check or proofread this shit, because it's fucking 5:30 am and I need to do a lot of packing and moving of boxes of crap tomorrow (today!). That's another thing Future Self is going to regret, if he ever gets up the nerve to actually reread this drek (Present Self can never write for beans...). And I'm sorry to do that to all of you, since not proofreading is, in a way, putting you all a little bit on the Fuck You list. But please know that it isn't out of malice. I've had, as I said, a bad night.
The birds have stopped. Thank God.
I am not asleep right now, and that's only a symptom of bigger problems.
The past few days have included a good spread of the negative emotions. Blind rage, melancholy, alienation. And then this--I'm not really sure what this is. No doubt it's related, physiologically, with both not sleeping and the fact that theshowmustgo0n managed to fucking get me drunk, for the first time, really, in the true sense of the word, just like fucking that, allegedly because she was bored. But psycologically, I feel a lot of resentment towards my self and the World (like, as a unified body of experience that's then personified) for what I imagine as betrayel, or at least a practical joke of its (the World's) normal kind, but with a mean streak.
I've been trying to face what's turned into kind of an existential crisis head on, but have been finding it hard to mentally articulate it. So instead, I've been coping by punching my mattress, which then raises a not quite new but recently revived concern that I might be excessively violent and therefore a danger to people and inanimate objects around me.
The recent cause of this concern was my half-second flipping-out Tuesday night on my roommate, also avid -ive-ournal reader, who I wish right now I had a nasty nickname for because he's currently at the top of my Fuck You list, admittedly for not entirely rational reasons. Anyway, the argument was petty, of course, but it because heated, and at some point I just lost all control, lept at him screaming, knocked him backwards in his chair, and put my hands on his throat.
This was not civil.
Thankfully, he wasn't hurt, I was, of course, in the wrong, and immediately lost any semblence of the Moral High Ground. Later, after I apologized, the fucker denied the existence of the Moral High Ground, thereby securing his position at the top of it. I've been mulling things over a lot and have what I think are (but dare not just say are, because that layer of disclaimer is what seperates arrogance from allowable discourse...) good insights into the complexity of intention--how one can have both good and bad intentions at the same time and act based on the balance of them--and its consequences for judgments of morality. As far as the [insert senseless name-calling here] goes, I can only say that he did the best that could be expected of him, really, as a human, I guess.
But my own weaknesses have been hanging over my head for the past couple days and have pretty much been ruining them.
Right now, like, right now, I realize that all the things I want to talk about are pointing at a particularly soft and vulnerable hunk of emotional turmoil that I just can't talk about here. There is too much ancient, twisted baggage in it to unravel from the corners of my mind that don't get exposed to light and sorted out regularly. And the important people are all listening too closely.
So what do I do with this shit? Be vague? Here's a prediction: If things run the way I think they will run, then this summer could include a minor social disaster. Things don't run the way I think they are going to run--tonight is (was? last night?) an example. unfortunately (?). But maybe it's only my optimistic expectations that fail. Normally I can sense danger pretty well. And then deal with it by playing dead. Which ends badly.
Fucking birds. This time, the chirping sucks.
I wanted to throw in a retrospective of the past year into this post, but realized I'm in no position to do that. Since our memories of past events are essentailly reduced to the most extreme moment in the duration and the ending moment, it would certainly be overly colored by recent crappiness. I suppose that's the joy of a -ive-ournal--I don't have to depend on natural memory.
But I'm glad I'm getting out of here for a week and a bit before going back to Providence, so I can let the air clear a bit and try to work out some of the bullshit. There are some people I need to check up on who've had some rocky times recently. For once, maybe I'll get to comiserate--a juicy story, if I can find a way to articulate it honestly to them.
And I'm glad the year has ended and I can finally get away from the Toxic Element. (I think that's a good name to settle on...) I've often noted that my personality is often a reflection of whomever I'm interacting with--somehow I adapt, unthinkingly, to their language and mannerisms. (For those of you who know me--is that an overstatement? I guess you'd have no way of knowing, since you would only have access to how I interact with you. How much do you account for the variance in my personality? How high is that variance?) The Toxic Element is an exception though. He is too much Everything that is Evil to me, to the same extent as only one other person before him. And although we also have a frightening amount in common, I can't cop his issues, and wouldn't want to. But whatever system is responsible for adjusting communication to others just breaks down at that point, turns in on me, drives me crazy, and turns me (this is an excuse) into an asshole. (Note totally bogus self-diagnosis) Maybe away from that poisen I can be a better person.
I'd say the odds are very good that I will regret this later. But as Present Self, I'm giving a loud "Fuck you" to Future Self, even though it's totally not his fault. I think Future Self will understand and be forgiving though. He will understand, hopefully, that Present Self has had a rough couple of days, and what turned out to be an especially rough night.
I'm also going to not spell-check or proofread this shit, because it's fucking 5:30 am and I need to do a lot of packing and moving of boxes of crap tomorrow (today!). That's another thing Future Self is going to regret, if he ever gets up the nerve to actually reread this drek (Present Self can never write for beans...). And I'm sorry to do that to all of you, since not proofreading is, in a way, putting you all a little bit on the Fuck You list. But please know that it isn't out of malice. I've had, as I said, a bad night.
The birds have stopped. Thank God.