ugh
In theory everything is going great and yet somehow I still kind of hate everything and think its all wrong.
It's like...I am successfully becoming the person I want to be, am somehow no longer faking it. My initial imposter syndrome, which apparently everyone here has, was about hiding my real intentions. Ok. Now my intentions are clearer to everyone. Now I'm just disgusted...at...
Put it this way. You can spend your life crafting what you're saying to people so that it will make sense, so that you will have a channel for communication. At some point you give that up and start trying to reveal yourself.
Then, suddenly, you are that person and don't have any excuses any more. And, that person kind of sucks in all the ways you hated when you were busy projecting that person onto everyone else.
And all that time spent thinking you were being honest with yourself was all sort of fake, because you weren't down to what was really real until now, and...well..fuck.
Because in the end, it wasn't that nobody understood what you were talking about. It was that you didn't talk about the things you felt but didn't know. And now you've got no choice but to face up to being motivated, not by an idea, but by a disturbance, flushed now of words. It might as well be an intestinal problem. And suddenly we're back to Nietzsche.
"Thinking out loud" becomes even more inadvisable. Everything feels serious, feels of consequence. And yet, it may all be a joke.
Thinking, at this point, that life is absurd and that's that is comforting but impractical. There is not even a moral vacuum to provide relief. The world is a thick mess of values. You are not loose from them but rather neck deep in a muddy maelstorms of ambivalence. You are standing on the bottom, so no worries there. Just tread water to maintain your balance. Tedious. You'd like a nap but there is just too much to handle at once. And then there's everyone else. It's crowded. It's uncomfortable. Sometimes they want you to fill out paperwork.
Is that it? Is that the rest of life?