before completion ䷿
BEFORE COMPLETION. Success.
But if the little fox, after nearly completing the crossing,
Gets his tail in the water,
There is nothing that would further.
- ䷿
I can't seem to go a week without major twists or potential upheavals in my life. Somewhere along the line in the past month I've managed to accomplish some vague goal I might have set for myself in Summer of 2005, but afterwards I could hardly notice.
I'm in a strange place where I'm supposed to disinvest from my work without leaving anyone in a lurch.
I'm aware that in two and a half months my life will look extremely different but also in the meantime every day in between is also a strange new thing. Each day I'm closer to leaving my "first real job", each day I'm a day further into what seems to be a gradually intensifying and clarifying relationship. My meetings with friends have a poignancy because they are some-of-the-last-that-we'll-meet-like-this; that poignancy is itself a subtle alteration that changes, sweetens, the experience into something novel and will be ever the more so missed.
After blocking thoughts of abstract or deep or broad or fanciful things for so long, so as not to be distracted from the challenges day to day, I find myself happily obsessing about math and metaphysics and Go and the I-Ching and The Brothers Karamazov. It's a release and a decompression but with each step I'm afraid that I will dissipate into a futile cloud without substance if I continue.
I will likely move out of my apartment of 3 years to another one a few blocks away and do very little for the month of July. I haven't been 'free' like that for so long I've forgotten what it's like. Should I be afraid of it? Welcome it?
Everything hinges now on a bittersweet dream of what The Future may be like. I have fantasies, I've made promises, I have 'plans' I suppose, but it's all unreality for now. It smells like a paradise but I am too wary of such things to approach it unfiltered, and too attached to things in the here and now to indulge myself in the process of getting there or investigating it.
All in due time, I suppose.