(no subject)
And I'm back in the room.
I'll go with Stephen Fry on this one, entertaining people helps, as does the agreeable company.
Lesley has a really nice family, her dad Mark is clearly a top guy and a nice, contemplative blokey night was had (I clearly have a weakness for cigars and alcahol, the comedown may be disorientating but the ride is pleasant.)
Not entirly convinced I'm going to meet anyone (kinda relying on social opportunities that may not happen as people are busy.) So I'll brace for that, if the chances don't present themselves. (though in other news the girl at the Radioshack around the corner from us was very pretty and seemed smart and sharp...)
It is quite clear to me that my depression is because I am lonely, and can be triggered by being with people who aren't (there, I got it out and on the table) this I must deal with. That said I am confident that I am not an angry person, just frustrated. I can at least be happy that I will never be violent or a danger to people, like some dogs I have become snappy and intemperate through insufficient socialisation.
Still the scale of the comming events is sinking in for all of us, slightly scary but in a good way. I will confess to still being highly honoured by the part I am getting to play in it and the opportunity I have been given to meet the people I am. I am beginning to feel less of an outsider.
(While I imagine that it is unlikly to be anybody's intention for me to not feel part of things, I am aware that I do not have either of the right surnames and am naturally standoffish and uncomfortable, terrified of dropping a gaff or causing a bad impression, so naturally I will try to step aside and not cause offense or trouble.)
I'll be honest it is really good to see America sans media bullshit. There are a lot of things I like, and Portland and Oregon in general have a hell of a lot going for them, I like much about the UK and I am proud to be British, but I could definatly imagine being here for a long time with the right person, It's a possibility I definatly want to investigate to its fullest.
I had a lot of hopes for this trip, but in all truth I don't believe a lot of them are going to happen, it's the wrong time of the year and the main reason for being here being what it is people have a lot to do as crunch time approches and that is to be appriciated and accepted. We'll do what we can and look forward to the big day.
I find myself planning the next trip, I was relieved to not be the first person to moot it or even to bring up any details. I am always terrified of being selfishly assumptive, to be putting upon people in ways that are a burden of any kind. So that I found relieving and validating.
So there we go, not the sort of LJ entry that I was expecting to type, but then this is me and my life (while there is some bitterness at that, I will make the best of what I can.) I must remember to stop taking pictures with my phone as putting them online is tricky, suffice stuff will go up eventually and I hope to move on to lighter stuff as we go along.
In other news I discovered the joys of the american mall, with an Oakley and a Vans store (yes, there is a designer brand I will wear) and now I own a pair of 8" SI Tactical boots and a fleece (yes, a fleece, it is black however.)
Though on the other hand I suspect I am only going to find the waistcoats between the hens teeth and rocking horse shit, next to the Holy Grail section at the store down the road from the Ark of the Covenant dealership...
I'll go with Stephen Fry on this one, entertaining people helps, as does the agreeable company.
Lesley has a really nice family, her dad Mark is clearly a top guy and a nice, contemplative blokey night was had (I clearly have a weakness for cigars and alcahol, the comedown may be disorientating but the ride is pleasant.)
Not entirly convinced I'm going to meet anyone (kinda relying on social opportunities that may not happen as people are busy.) So I'll brace for that, if the chances don't present themselves. (though in other news the girl at the Radioshack around the corner from us was very pretty and seemed smart and sharp...)
It is quite clear to me that my depression is because I am lonely, and can be triggered by being with people who aren't (there, I got it out and on the table) this I must deal with. That said I am confident that I am not an angry person, just frustrated. I can at least be happy that I will never be violent or a danger to people, like some dogs I have become snappy and intemperate through insufficient socialisation.
Still the scale of the comming events is sinking in for all of us, slightly scary but in a good way. I will confess to still being highly honoured by the part I am getting to play in it and the opportunity I have been given to meet the people I am. I am beginning to feel less of an outsider.
(While I imagine that it is unlikly to be anybody's intention for me to not feel part of things, I am aware that I do not have either of the right surnames and am naturally standoffish and uncomfortable, terrified of dropping a gaff or causing a bad impression, so naturally I will try to step aside and not cause offense or trouble.)
I'll be honest it is really good to see America sans media bullshit. There are a lot of things I like, and Portland and Oregon in general have a hell of a lot going for them, I like much about the UK and I am proud to be British, but I could definatly imagine being here for a long time with the right person, It's a possibility I definatly want to investigate to its fullest.
I had a lot of hopes for this trip, but in all truth I don't believe a lot of them are going to happen, it's the wrong time of the year and the main reason for being here being what it is people have a lot to do as crunch time approches and that is to be appriciated and accepted. We'll do what we can and look forward to the big day.
I find myself planning the next trip, I was relieved to not be the first person to moot it or even to bring up any details. I am always terrified of being selfishly assumptive, to be putting upon people in ways that are a burden of any kind. So that I found relieving and validating.
So there we go, not the sort of LJ entry that I was expecting to type, but then this is me and my life (while there is some bitterness at that, I will make the best of what I can.) I must remember to stop taking pictures with my phone as putting them online is tricky, suffice stuff will go up eventually and I hope to move on to lighter stuff as we go along.
In other news I discovered the joys of the american mall, with an Oakley and a Vans store (yes, there is a designer brand I will wear) and now I own a pair of 8" SI Tactical boots and a fleece (yes, a fleece, it is black however.)
Though on the other hand I suspect I am only going to find the waistcoats between the hens teeth and rocking horse shit, next to the Holy Grail section at the store down the road from the Ark of the Covenant dealership...