FIC: Remus Lupin and the Revolt of the Creatures, Chapter 3 / 21, part one (PG-13)

[paulamcg]

Title: Remus Lupin and the Revolt of the Creatures, Chapter Three: Doubts about His Motives, Part One
Author: PaulaMcG
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: (subtly, eventually) Remus/Sirius
Era and universe: Summer and autumn 1996, an alternative world after OotP
Chapter summary: Remus doesn’t stand aside and he gets a chance to practise some Magic of Healing

Comments

[kellychambliss]

I like the way you deepen the various relationships in this chapter, especially the interaction between Remus and his landlady. I think you've imagined the "goblin-ness" of her very well, and I find her responses (both the good and bad ones) believable. Little details, too, work well (like her peacock-feather hat). Other aspects of the chapter I like: the way Hewig functions as a character; the birthday party and how each character gets his/her scene; your depiction of Moody. There are interesting magic details, too -- such as the idea that the cruciatus won't work long on a person it wasn't intended for. This makes a lot of sense, since intention has so much to do with whether one can even cast the curse.

Just a few minor grammar things: in the first line, it would be enought to say "a sound in (or inside) his dream"; you don't need the "of." In this line -- his eyes on the owners face, you want "owner's" with an apostrophe. And in the phrase "millstone cake," I think you mean "milestone." Finally, in he saw the grown impatience in Ron, you might mean "growing."

Hope you're well! I'm looking forward to the weekend and, with luck, some time to write.

~~Kelly

[paulamcg]

Thank you so much, Kelly! I’m particularly happy you like the way I’ve developed an OC (my very first OC really) and her relationship with Remus. I’ve never been worried that this lady would be too close to a Mary Sue. Still, it is reassuring to hear that she with her details and her “otherness” truly works for you. Giving an important role to Hedwig was one of my favourite elements in these early chapters.

At this stage it was a challenge for me to build up a scene with a lot of people who were also not only sitting around a table talking. I’m glad you think I’ve succeeded by showing some of those canon characters more closely, like shining the spotlight on each in turn.

I’m happily surprised that my depiction of someone like Moody can be satisfying. It has worried me that I’ve used several rather important and interesting canon characters in very limited ways. At least it’s always been a pleasure to remember to use magic (based on books one to five) and to add to it - so it always warms my heart to learn that a particular detail makes sense in a reader’s view, too.

I’ve now gratefully fixed all the grammar things you mentioned. But I really meant that the cake had the shape and size of such large stones which are used in water mills. The phrase “millstone cake” must sound strange, though, and I wonder if it is enough that several paragraphs earlier I say that Fred was levitating “something that looked like a millstone covered with sugar icing”. Perhaps when I mention the cake again I should write just something like “his huge cake”.

This is just the kind of feedback at least I’ve dreamt of getting: encouraging praise and helpful concrit. Yes, I’ve just received your elatinng reply to my review. It’s almost 2 a.m. here and I’m falling asleep, but it’s wonderful to know we’ve been writing to each other at the same time. I’m looking forward to reading more about your fascinating ladies tomorrow. (Oh, you mention my chapter four, so I just need to ask you to check whether you’ve read the second part of chapter three. But no pressure...) I’ve understood that the start of the term has been stressful for you, so I wish you a relaxing weekend, above all, and time for writing whatever you like best. And yes, thank you, I’ve been well - and this contact has made me happier at moments of renewed bittersweet thoughts.

[kellychambliss]

But I really meant that the cake had the shape and size of such large stones which are used in water mills.

Argh! This is my error. I went back and looked at the story, and somehow I had totally missed the sentence about Fred and his levitation. Of course "millstone" makes perfect sense in this context -- and is pretty funny, too. So just forget I said anything! /g/

[paulamcg]

Thank you! I can’t promise to totally forget about anything in our discussions, though.