FIC: Remus Lupin and the Revolt of the Creatures, Chapter 2 / 21 (PG-13)

[paulamcg]

Title: Remus Lupin and the Revolt of the Creatures, Chapter Two: A New Host at the Headquarters
Author: PaulaMcG
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: (subtly, eventually) Remus/Sirius
Era and universe: Summer and autumn 1996, an alternative world after OotP
Chapter summary: Remus finds some work that can mean more to him than he dared hope.
Word count: around

Comments

[shimotsuki]

Another intriguing installment. There's so much going on with Remus here: his grief, his shame over his poverty and his difficult situation, his pleasure at being treated with respect by Hermione, his anger at the whole Order for not taking better care of Harry

[paulamcg]

Thank you so much for continuing to read and for posting another thoughtful review. I’m thrilled you find this story worth reading and as much as intriguing. And yes, I have said that I’ll be grateful for any concrit, too. Please feel free to mention anything you think should or could be fixed (while I understand that making notes for listing errors or shortcomings might be too much work when you read long chapters like mine

[kellychambliss]

Another satifying read. Poor Remus! And one of the things I like about your writing is that you never forget that this is a magical world: the magical beings do things with magic and think in terms of magic, just as they would, of course, if such a thing existed. Often in fanfic, this dimension gets neglected; it's too easy for Muggle writers to think like Muggles /g/.

I'll concentrate on some specifics for the opening paragraphs again.

//It was still such an early hour of the morning that Privet Drive was completely quiet, but the dusk was already withdrawing//

If the setting is near dawn, I'm not sure "dusk" in the right word, since it's always associated with evening. Even in the English summer, the night does get fully dark, so early morning light wouldn't really still be dusk

[paulamcg]

Thank you so much again for an invaluable review. It’s wonderfully encouraging to receive positive feedback on my storylines and characters, and particularly on my depiction of Dumbledore and Remus’s relationship with him. I’m glad that in your view I manage to make the characters work and develop, giving them new dimensions - and that the way they live in their magical world is convincing

[kellychambliss]

I think your new version of the opening works well, although I will say that, even though "twilight" might technically refer also to the light that comes before dawn, it's not commonly used that way (at least not in the US; I'm not sure about the UK.) I'd say that 95% of the time, "twilight" is used for evening.

I like the image of the fog condensed on the ground; I can just see it, and it adds to the sense of forlorn-ness and isolation that you create for Remus. And the phrase "shortest, gentlest" appeals to me, too.

Overall, your English is excellent. I'm always put to shame when I see how well many Europeans speak English, compared to how few Americans are fluent in a second language!

[paulamcg]

Thank you for confirming that the opening now works. Perhaps it can even serve more than one purpose. So as to get rid of that questionable twilight, I could change it like this

[paulamcg]

I’m thrilled you’ve continued to read and enjoy the story. Thank you so much for your amazing reviews! (I’ll soon reply to the other one, too, in detail.)

Since you’ve read the comments above (and I’m glad you’ve been interested in reading them), you know that even after revision I can’t be quite satisfied with these chapters I wrote years ago. It’s reassuring to hear that they can work well enough for a reader. Perhaps I used far too many words, and the language could be tighter, but I’m glad the level of detail I show in Remus’s life is not superfluous. It’s particularly wonderful if I’ve succeeded when adding magic to his world - and if my very first OC (if we don’t count the namelss conductor in the opening scene), a non-human character, too, serves well in her role.

However, this is the most heartwarming part in your review:

you convey his resignation to poverty in a brilliantly understated way.Poverty has been a central theme/topic in my fanfic, and I’ve often thought that back when I started, my descriptions of it used to be

[thenewbuzwuzz]

Sounds like Remus has a bit of a thing for Kingsley; who wouldn't

[paulamcg]

You do continue to read it and post comments! You make me giddy while I've still been revelling in your response to The Angel of Charity, composing my reply to that fabulous feedback