Girls: My observations.
For a while, I have been observing the species Humanus Feminus, well know as Girls. I have devoted the last 4 years trying to learn as much as I can about this peculiar breed. Their behavioral patterns are very strange...
(Read before I publish in some $50 scientific journal!)
Some traits I have discovered about Humanus Feminus include the following. Note that scientific terms will be enclosed in italics, such as these.
1. Humanus Feminus has a very distinct self-image. There are the Very Positive, Negative, and Indifferent ones.
a. The Very Positive self-image is in some ways beneficial for the species, and in other ways not. Benefits of having this type of self image include a high self-esteem and confidence. However, a major trait observable in many is the trait of over-confidence, which leads to (for lack of a more scientific word) bitchyness. They seem to be full of themselves, and don't listen to other people's criticism on their image. This trait is often a major downfall when the Humanus Feminus is looking for a mate.
b. The Negative self-image has very few benefits, and is sadly quite common amoungst the species. The only benefit I can possibly conjure is the fact that they will actually respect the opinions of others. However, they are often sad about how their looks are affecting their lives, and is actually quite depressing.
c. The Indifferent self-image is the ideal for both the Humanus Feminus and its mate. The Indifferent self-image is generally happy with who that person is, and also respects the opinions of others, seeing it as constructive criticism. They do not let insults get to them as much as the Negative self-image would.
2. Humanus Feminus has a very strange disease, known only to a few of the Humanus Masculus as P.M.S. Girls seem to be ashamed of the fact that they have this disease, which is very strange, seeing that it is a natural occurance in the Humanus Feminus. Most Girls only admit they have this disease when they are trying to look for an excuse to explain any abnormal behavior. In my humble opinion, if Humanus Feminus would admit to when this is happening, many misunderstandings could be avoided.
3. While many of the species will not admit to many facts, such as that many are as infatuated with the image of sexual intercourse as are the members of their opposites, the Humanus Masculus, or their opinions that "size really does matter". Why they will not admit these simple facts is a mystery to this day.
4. The Humanus Feminus has many powers that the Humanus Masculus could never stand up to. For instance, one of my esteemed colleagues and I were exagerrating on the power that a Girl has, which I have aptly named Piernas Cerradas, or Closed-Legs. Using this power, most Girls can convince their mate to do their bidding, at almost no matter what cost. My colleague brought up the following question, and I quote, "I wonder what the power of that (Piernas Cerradas) squared would be." In my mind, I immediately started to compute the following formula: (Piernas Cerradas)^2=P, where P is equal to the power of this equation. I have a team of mathmaticians attempting to calculate this value, but there is no definate answer in sight.
5. There exists a bond between members of the Humanus Feminus that no member of the Humanus Masculus could ever measure up to, no matter if the Guy saved the Girl's life, or some other drastic example. For instance, one of the Girls that I have been observing has a great relationship with a Guy, but the relationship she shares with another one of her own is stronger in some ways. It is very hard to explain. Hopefully you can see the connection that I do.
6. Many Girls have a selective memory. If an event happened that harms the Girl in some way, whether it be physical, emotional, or otherwise, they will most likely not remember it. If an event did not happen, but would have benefitted the girl in some other way, she will imagine that the event happened. Then Observation #7 happens.
7. Although hard to believe, Girls are 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of the time correct. If they are not correct, they will try to convince the Guy that She is correct, even though She knows that She is not.
There are, of course, some exceptions to the above observations.
Exception to observation 1: The Girl is blind, or is dead.
" " 2: That Girl has not reached Puberty.
" " 3: That Girl is my Mate.
" " 4: The Humanus Masculus is homosexual.
" " 5: The Humanus Feminus has never met another Humanus Feminus.
" " 6: That Girl has the mind of a Guy.
" " 7: The Girl has had a gender change in Her past.
If you (the reader) have any more observations that you would like to append to my list, feel free to do so.
Sincerly,
Patrick Connor
B.S. in B.S.