How to annoy an editor
Let me explain. I, like most editors, have approximately eleventy-billion things on the go at any one time, and that doesn't include e-mailing co-workers to mock how badly they just got fleeced making their latest trade in the office fantasy football pool.
I have, basically, four kinds of deadlines: ones that are coming up quickly, ones that I've forgotten about, ones that I'll deny ever knowing about in the first place, and ones that have already passed. (Sometimes, in a bizarre twist of quantum physics, these deadlines are capable of existing in more than one state at a time)
Part of my job is dealing with the hordes of well-meaning, but varying-degrees-of-competent, media- and public-relations people who are trying their best to get their clients' products and/or services some coverage in one of my magazines or newsletters. These people have, I'll admit, a difficult job: not only do I hate to be interrupted from whatever task I'm working on by the "ping!" of an incoming e-mail, but the amount of time I have to devote to actually parsing said e-mail is roughly akin to the radioactive half-life of some subatomic particles; in other words, infinitesimal (aka "smaller than a sparrow's fart").
Nevertheless, these people send me e-mails trying desperately to attract and hold my attention, despite the fact that I'm not inclined to spend time on their pitch, I already have 90 per cent of my publications planned, and I'm not in the business of giving away space that is, when it boils right down to it, better suited for an ad than a piece of editorial ("Your readers would love to know about the amazing LEGALTRON 4000 -- it slices, it dices, it even juliennes billable hours!").
And so I, like most editors I know, look for any excuse to delete these pitch letters. Let's face it: the pitch has to be something earth-shatteringly of interest to my readers, and, more importantly, something that I, in my job as the person who tracks what the readers are interested in, have completely managed to miss hearing about and failed to assign a writer to cover in the first place (aka "must have head my head stuck completely up my ass").
As you can imagine, not many of these letters make it through. Despite my ultra-powerful Edit-O-Matic Anti-Pitch Death Ray O' Doom device, however, there are some that I do read through to the end. Most meet an unhappy fate somewhere around the end of paragraph one. (Some are so gut-wrenchingly bad that I keep them to mock in my... er... well, you see where this is going). Basically, though, the ones that get read are those written by people who have some training in writing coherently, that have a well-crafted first paragraph, that have obviously taken the time to research what it is I actually cover (the Canadian legal industry), and have presented their product and/or service in such a way that it might actually make me consider it for half a second (possibly less, depending on the quantum).
Please note that nowhere in the above do I list "multiple exclamation points," "spelling mistakes," "stories specific to five U.S. states," or "sounds like it was written by a desperate high-schooler."
Which brings me to Exhibit A: (maybe I've been covering the legal industry for too long)
Would you happen to know who I might speak with about the following / possible story ideas or coverage?
The American Safety Council has issued a first of its kind - a Notary Course offered and issued through the internet to the states of Texas, Missouri, Kansas, Indiana and Washington, for the general business public -- at the cheapest rate. They have compiled this certification as a HUGE need for home-based businesses and employee /resume certification needs grow - a employment security need [its gives a leg up above the other employees]!!!!!
Also, the other attached press release is for the launch of a new test for Driver Improvement...basically, it can tell a person who good they are and if they meet the standards for a particular job, company needs, personal awareness, student driver / teens / parents, etc. This is being used by such companies as Walmart for their trucking staff as they are being hired, but it also used for personal status' as well. This is the first of its kind, this includes being an internet based exam / test. If you are interested, we do have a username / password for those media personnel that would like to utilize the exam as part of their story[s] - just let me know and I will have the information emailed to you.
Any direction that you could point me into would be appreciated. Thank You!!!!
Would I happen to know who to speak to? Yes. Me. That's why it says "Editor" right over there. Thanks for coming out.
You can tell that the second para is obviously the most important one because it has five (!!!!!) exclamation points (one less than "Thank You" -- she's obviously not nearly as excited about thanking me as she is employment security needs -- or possibly getting a leg up above the other employees). Or perhaps it's the third para that's the most important, since it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING I COVER.
At any rate, if I hadn't been laughing so hard, I would have stopped reading sometime around the third sentence, which, if you examine it closely, isn't a sentence at all.
In short, even if this was the best product and/or service for my readers that I hadn't heard of because my head was lodged firmly somewhere in the depths of my rectum, I still wouldn't do anything with it, because the pitch letter was written by someone who, after having read the letter, I have about as much confidence in as I do the Detroit Lions' chances of winning the Super Bowl this year (for those of you who don't know anything about football, scroll back up until you find the word "sparrow" and read from there).
And Tracie, if you're out there, don't feel bad -- just unsubscribe me from your distribution list that you signed me up for without asking or bothering to do any research on, and we'll call it even. Thank You!!!!
I have, basically, four kinds of deadlines: ones that are coming up quickly, ones that I've forgotten about, ones that I'll deny ever knowing about in the first place, and ones that have already passed. (Sometimes, in a bizarre twist of quantum physics, these deadlines are capable of existing in more than one state at a time)
Part of my job is dealing with the hordes of well-meaning, but varying-degrees-of-competent, media- and public-relations people who are trying their best to get their clients' products and/or services some coverage in one of my magazines or newsletters. These people have, I'll admit, a difficult job: not only do I hate to be interrupted from whatever task I'm working on by the "ping!" of an incoming e-mail, but the amount of time I have to devote to actually parsing said e-mail is roughly akin to the radioactive half-life of some subatomic particles; in other words, infinitesimal (aka "smaller than a sparrow's fart").
Nevertheless, these people send me e-mails trying desperately to attract and hold my attention, despite the fact that I'm not inclined to spend time on their pitch, I already have 90 per cent of my publications planned, and I'm not in the business of giving away space that is, when it boils right down to it, better suited for an ad than a piece of editorial ("Your readers would love to know about the amazing LEGALTRON 4000 -- it slices, it dices, it even juliennes billable hours!").
And so I, like most editors I know, look for any excuse to delete these pitch letters. Let's face it: the pitch has to be something earth-shatteringly of interest to my readers, and, more importantly, something that I, in my job as the person who tracks what the readers are interested in, have completely managed to miss hearing about and failed to assign a writer to cover in the first place (aka "must have head my head stuck completely up my ass").
As you can imagine, not many of these letters make it through. Despite my ultra-powerful Edit-O-Matic Anti-Pitch Death Ray O' Doom device, however, there are some that I do read through to the end. Most meet an unhappy fate somewhere around the end of paragraph one. (Some are so gut-wrenchingly bad that I keep them to mock in my... er... well, you see where this is going). Basically, though, the ones that get read are those written by people who have some training in writing coherently, that have a well-crafted first paragraph, that have obviously taken the time to research what it is I actually cover (the Canadian legal industry), and have presented their product and/or service in such a way that it might actually make me consider it for half a second (possibly less, depending on the quantum).
Please note that nowhere in the above do I list "multiple exclamation points," "spelling mistakes," "stories specific to five U.S. states," or "sounds like it was written by a desperate high-schooler."
Which brings me to Exhibit A: (maybe I've been covering the legal industry for too long)
Would you happen to know who I might speak with about the following / possible story ideas or coverage?
The American Safety Council has issued a first of its kind - a Notary Course offered and issued through the internet to the states of Texas, Missouri, Kansas, Indiana and Washington, for the general business public -- at the cheapest rate. They have compiled this certification as a HUGE need for home-based businesses and employee /resume certification needs grow - a employment security need [its gives a leg up above the other employees]!!!!!
Also, the other attached press release is for the launch of a new test for Driver Improvement...basically, it can tell a person who good they are and if they meet the standards for a particular job, company needs, personal awareness, student driver / teens / parents, etc. This is being used by such companies as Walmart for their trucking staff as they are being hired, but it also used for personal status' as well. This is the first of its kind, this includes being an internet based exam / test. If you are interested, we do have a username / password for those media personnel that would like to utilize the exam as part of their story[s] - just let me know and I will have the information emailed to you.
Any direction that you could point me into would be appreciated. Thank You!!!!
Would I happen to know who to speak to? Yes. Me. That's why it says "Editor" right over there. Thanks for coming out.
You can tell that the second para is obviously the most important one because it has five (!!!!!) exclamation points (one less than "Thank You" -- she's obviously not nearly as excited about thanking me as she is employment security needs -- or possibly getting a leg up above the other employees). Or perhaps it's the third para that's the most important, since it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING I COVER.
At any rate, if I hadn't been laughing so hard, I would have stopped reading sometime around the third sentence, which, if you examine it closely, isn't a sentence at all.
In short, even if this was the best product and/or service for my readers that I hadn't heard of because my head was lodged firmly somewhere in the depths of my rectum, I still wouldn't do anything with it, because the pitch letter was written by someone who, after having read the letter, I have about as much confidence in as I do the Detroit Lions' chances of winning the Super Bowl this year (for those of you who don't know anything about football, scroll back up until you find the word "sparrow" and read from there).
And Tracie, if you're out there, don't feel bad -- just unsubscribe me from your distribution list that you signed me up for without asking or bothering to do any research on, and we'll call it even. Thank You!!!!