The Worst Dream
When I was in the third grade, I had a dream that I still remember. Well, I remember the main, awful part...I woke up and walked into my kitchen. I remember seeing the pantry door partially opened because it doesn't always close all the way. My grandma (who was alive at the time) was sitting at the kitchen table. My mom's body was there, folded up in thirds (I know that makes absolutely no sense and I can't describe it any better). I knew immediately what happened and I said to my grandma, "She's dead isn't she?" She bit her lip and nodded and I woke up or the dream ended. It was awful for an 8 year old and still awful to remember. Oh, there were also bees buzzing around. I just remembered that.
Last night, I had a dream where my mom went into the hospital. I talked to her on the phone and she was kinda rude to me. Somehow, I ended up at her house with Jeff. We were in the kitchen and I checked her answering machine and we talked on the phone again. There was a bunch of stuff in the middle but I ended up back in time, at Hudsons in Oakland Mall. I had the chance to see what it was like in the 50s (it wasn't around then) and there was something about a beauty salon. Then we were back and I got an email from my mom and tried to call her but couldn't reach her. Next thing, I'm walking out of my old room into the kitchen. Jeff was on the phone and I knew immediately that my mom was dead. Jeff had some papers and he tried to hide them from me but I saw the one on top. It said "Permission to Publish Obituary". Then I asked when she had died and he told me several days ago but no one wanted to tell me. He also said that the doctors had only given her seven days to live but no one had wanted to tell me. I never got to say goodbye. The last thing I remember is freaking out and smashing some pictures that had been on the wall. I woke up absolutely certain that my mom had died. But it was like 4am so I went back to sleep and woke up feeling better.
I have spent life expecting to die before my parents. Given my history of depression/anxiety, this is not an unrealistic thought. Now I don't know and that scares the shit out of me. One day, it isn't going to be a dream.
Last night, I had a dream where my mom went into the hospital. I talked to her on the phone and she was kinda rude to me. Somehow, I ended up at her house with Jeff. We were in the kitchen and I checked her answering machine and we talked on the phone again. There was a bunch of stuff in the middle but I ended up back in time, at Hudsons in Oakland Mall. I had the chance to see what it was like in the 50s (it wasn't around then) and there was something about a beauty salon. Then we were back and I got an email from my mom and tried to call her but couldn't reach her. Next thing, I'm walking out of my old room into the kitchen. Jeff was on the phone and I knew immediately that my mom was dead. Jeff had some papers and he tried to hide them from me but I saw the one on top. It said "Permission to Publish Obituary". Then I asked when she had died and he told me several days ago but no one wanted to tell me. He also said that the doctors had only given her seven days to live but no one had wanted to tell me. I never got to say goodbye. The last thing I remember is freaking out and smashing some pictures that had been on the wall. I woke up absolutely certain that my mom had died. But it was like 4am so I went back to sleep and woke up feeling better.
I have spent life expecting to die before my parents. Given my history of depression/anxiety, this is not an unrealistic thought. Now I don't know and that scares the shit out of me. One day, it isn't going to be a dream.