Very Late (Sun Is Well Down) Twilight Post
Forgot to mention during my recent braggadiccio (sp?) that I had also finally seen Twilight. Now I hadn't bothered to read the book (and having seen the film, really why should I put myself through the same pain in two different ways? It would be like seeking a second opinion from another proctologist- and before any snarky gay remarks are made, yes the gloves are cold and chalky, no they do not whisper sweet nothings, and neither do they take you for an expensive dinner first). After all, why should I? I already had the gist: Girl moves from sunny clime to cloudy clime, meets vamp boy, is rescued by vamp boy, dates vamp boy, meets vamp boy's vamp family, does not get on with vamp boy's vamp sister, umpires vamp baseball, gets threatened by way hotter bad vamp boy, rescued by original vamp boy, goes to prom with vamp boy. It was basically "Pretty In Pink" but without the laughs. Or the Pink. And I for one prefer the Pink.
Leaving aside for a moment the fact that Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen looks like a forceps baby, I have to ask why his "father" chose to rescue only him from the Spanish Influenza Epidemic of 1918. Couldn't Cullen Snr have started rescuing folk a tad earlier during the Great War and saved Rupert Brook from that pesky mosquito? A way hotter guy, and at least wrote decent poetry to boot.
I am, however, entirely unsurprised that Kretin Stewart had eyes only for R-Patz. That she could focus on anyone is really something of a miracle in my book. MY GOD the girl can blink. Granted, the lighting in the film was uniformly blue and murky (regardless of time or place- even Phoenix Arizona looked like the basement morgue lab), as if it were shot entirely with flourescent lights on their very last beam, but really? Seriously? The way she kept blinking and looking askance and then blinking again? Were I either of her parents she'd have been shipped off to the optometrist or the toxicology lab waaaaay before she ever got to Oregon or Washington or Leeds or Rekjavik or whatever sun-deprived place she was meant to be. Let me say this here and now in a probably vain attempt to further Ms Stewart's acting prowess: Ill fitting contact lenses do not constitute an acting style.
And Edward? As vamps go, he makes Louis from "Interview With The Vampire" look like Clint Eastwood. This boy is wetter than the landscape. Absolutely no sense of fun whatsoever (though this is a big probem with this flick as a whole), and with really- for someone who's been around for at least 100 years- quite a shockingly mundane taste in music. Claire De Lune? Really? Nothing perhaps a tad- can I say it- darker?
The only things I can really say about the other characters (aside from Jacob, and I'll get to him in a mo- or as soon as I physically can), is that this movie falls over backwards to offend absolutely nobody when it comes to the High School demographics, regardless of whether or not these kids can act. For a very small town in Upstate Wherever, there's nary an ethinc group left out. Which is all very well and proper, but then they do start to look like "Bones" Snowflakes in training. Add to that your standard "Clueless Dad Is Also Clueless Chief Of Police" and your "Loving But Flighty Mom", and you've got Central Casting 2009.
I was quite disappointed when waaaay hotter bad vamp James got offed. Sure, he was evil. Sure, he wanted to eat Kretin Stewart. But at his hands? Who wouldn't want to be there for at least the first nibble or two?
Which brings me to Jacob the Native American Werewolf Boy. Okay, so his head is crowned with unconvincing extensions and a big sign saying "Sequel!Look For Me In The Sequel!", but come on folks. I've seen the trailers for said sequel. All I can say about the sequel is that (okay, aside from noting that Dakota Fanning makes any movie exponentially more scary simply by being in it, and wondering why Michael Sheen only seems to get work playing either historical characters or vampires) in "New Moon", there's only one Moon I want to see.
Leaving aside for a moment the fact that Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen looks like a forceps baby, I have to ask why his "father" chose to rescue only him from the Spanish Influenza Epidemic of 1918. Couldn't Cullen Snr have started rescuing folk a tad earlier during the Great War and saved Rupert Brook from that pesky mosquito? A way hotter guy, and at least wrote decent poetry to boot.
I am, however, entirely unsurprised that Kretin Stewart had eyes only for R-Patz. That she could focus on anyone is really something of a miracle in my book. MY GOD the girl can blink. Granted, the lighting in the film was uniformly blue and murky (regardless of time or place- even Phoenix Arizona looked like the basement morgue lab), as if it were shot entirely with flourescent lights on their very last beam, but really? Seriously? The way she kept blinking and looking askance and then blinking again? Were I either of her parents she'd have been shipped off to the optometrist or the toxicology lab waaaaay before she ever got to Oregon or Washington or Leeds or Rekjavik or whatever sun-deprived place she was meant to be. Let me say this here and now in a probably vain attempt to further Ms Stewart's acting prowess: Ill fitting contact lenses do not constitute an acting style.
And Edward? As vamps go, he makes Louis from "Interview With The Vampire" look like Clint Eastwood. This boy is wetter than the landscape. Absolutely no sense of fun whatsoever (though this is a big probem with this flick as a whole), and with really- for someone who's been around for at least 100 years- quite a shockingly mundane taste in music. Claire De Lune? Really? Nothing perhaps a tad- can I say it- darker?
The only things I can really say about the other characters (aside from Jacob, and I'll get to him in a mo- or as soon as I physically can), is that this movie falls over backwards to offend absolutely nobody when it comes to the High School demographics, regardless of whether or not these kids can act. For a very small town in Upstate Wherever, there's nary an ethinc group left out. Which is all very well and proper, but then they do start to look like "Bones" Snowflakes in training. Add to that your standard "Clueless Dad Is Also Clueless Chief Of Police" and your "Loving But Flighty Mom", and you've got Central Casting 2009.
I was quite disappointed when waaaay hotter bad vamp James got offed. Sure, he was evil. Sure, he wanted to eat Kretin Stewart. But at his hands? Who wouldn't want to be there for at least the first nibble or two?
Which brings me to Jacob the Native American Werewolf Boy. Okay, so his head is crowned with unconvincing extensions and a big sign saying "Sequel!Look For Me In The Sequel!", but come on folks. I've seen the trailers for said sequel. All I can say about the sequel is that (okay, aside from noting that Dakota Fanning makes any movie exponentially more scary simply by being in it, and wondering why Michael Sheen only seems to get work playing either historical characters or vampires) in "New Moon", there's only one Moon I want to see.