The One-Man RSPCA Heroic Roundup
Because of late, that has been somewhat my role in life. The other week I was walking Little Edie the Springer Spaniel in the park, keeping her on a short lead as she is On Heat. Always an excitable spaniel with poor bladder control, she was then also wagging not only her tail but also her moneymaker. There is a "safe" en-fenced puppy run in this park, and thence I took her, so she could run free and safe from breeding-related shame. To little avail, as it turned out, because no sooner had I put her safely in the puppy run then some mongrel leapt over the fence and began making advances. To which she initially responded with enthusiasm, despite my admonitions. It was like the Ralph Bakshi version of "Lady And The Tramp". So I had to leap over the fence to physically intervene, at which point she climbed me like I was a tree (this bitch is a real tease) and the thwarted mutt started dry-humping my leg. So I had to leap back over the fence with the spaniel in my arms, at which point every other still-hormonal hound in the park legged it over to me and Little Miss Pheromones, and I wound up running through the park wearing her like a stole, being chased by the hounds of hell, to a rousing chorus of Kilburnian laughter. Next time, I'm just going let them gang-bang her, then hand round the post-coital cigarettes.
If sexually chaperoning a spaniel were not animal-related heroism enough, I was relaxing at home last eve when came a desperate knocking at the door. Apparently a neighbor's cat had gotten himself entangled in barbed wire, the RSPCA weren't coming, and did I happen to own a pair of bolt cutters? Evidently I was being asked for the bolt cutters by the one neighbor who had remained steadfastly unaware of my sexuality despite the regular blaring of show tunes from my flat. So oven gloves and a big pair of scissors in hand, off I went to attempt rescue of said damn stupid moggy. Why the oven gloves and scissors?, you may ask. Because in my experience cats are not known to demonstrate gratitude when being wrestled out of a tough spot, and big scissors were the closest thing to bolt cutters I could find. Perhaps needless to say, only the oven gloves proved effective. This feline was hissing and spitting and scratching and biting, and eventually it took two of us to hold him still whilst the fire department was called, just so he wouldn't eviscerate himself (or us) before they got there. It turned out that letting him bite repeatedly on my gloved hand calmed him just enough to keep him still(ish) until they got there and cut through the barbed wire and freed him. At which point he once again demonstrated a complete lack of humble thanks and physically attacked everyone in sight. Fortunately I was still wearing the oven gloves so was able to right-hook him into the garbage bin.
It's tiring being an hero, I tell ya. I'd like to see Iron Man give it a try. I watched some of that movie the other night, and I have to say that not even the charm of Robert Downey Jr could not overcome my confusion over how a man with such scientific standards could have an assistant with such bad hair? What is Gwyneth Paltrow doing in this movie and why is her hair that colour? Okay, so it's not quite as bad as Kirsten Dunst's hair in the Spidey movies (does she condition it with pig blood?), but seriously, why would a natural blonde dye her hair an un-natural strawberry blonde? Anyhoo, apparently the movie is actually about this Way Rich Weapons Manufacturer making himself a suit made of metal (apparently he'd seen The Wizard Of Oz one too many times, or had never gotten over playing with Micronauts as a tot) so he could fight evil-doers and previously good actors in very bad bald wigs. Never mind that as a billionaire he could just invest his oodles of dosh in social projects or third-world agricultural schemes and therefore rid the world of many actual causes of crime and general evil-doing. Do we see Bill Gates zooming about the place in one of C3PO's castoffs shooting down planes he doesn't like the look of? I bet Iron Man's never rescued a cat from barbed wire, much less preserve the moral purity of any given pooch.
Way tougher than him.
If sexually chaperoning a spaniel were not animal-related heroism enough, I was relaxing at home last eve when came a desperate knocking at the door. Apparently a neighbor's cat had gotten himself entangled in barbed wire, the RSPCA weren't coming, and did I happen to own a pair of bolt cutters? Evidently I was being asked for the bolt cutters by the one neighbor who had remained steadfastly unaware of my sexuality despite the regular blaring of show tunes from my flat. So oven gloves and a big pair of scissors in hand, off I went to attempt rescue of said damn stupid moggy. Why the oven gloves and scissors?, you may ask. Because in my experience cats are not known to demonstrate gratitude when being wrestled out of a tough spot, and big scissors were the closest thing to bolt cutters I could find. Perhaps needless to say, only the oven gloves proved effective. This feline was hissing and spitting and scratching and biting, and eventually it took two of us to hold him still whilst the fire department was called, just so he wouldn't eviscerate himself (or us) before they got there. It turned out that letting him bite repeatedly on my gloved hand calmed him just enough to keep him still(ish) until they got there and cut through the barbed wire and freed him. At which point he once again demonstrated a complete lack of humble thanks and physically attacked everyone in sight. Fortunately I was still wearing the oven gloves so was able to right-hook him into the garbage bin.
It's tiring being an hero, I tell ya. I'd like to see Iron Man give it a try. I watched some of that movie the other night, and I have to say that not even the charm of Robert Downey Jr could not overcome my confusion over how a man with such scientific standards could have an assistant with such bad hair? What is Gwyneth Paltrow doing in this movie and why is her hair that colour? Okay, so it's not quite as bad as Kirsten Dunst's hair in the Spidey movies (does she condition it with pig blood?), but seriously, why would a natural blonde dye her hair an un-natural strawberry blonde? Anyhoo, apparently the movie is actually about this Way Rich Weapons Manufacturer making himself a suit made of metal (apparently he'd seen The Wizard Of Oz one too many times, or had never gotten over playing with Micronauts as a tot) so he could fight evil-doers and previously good actors in very bad bald wigs. Never mind that as a billionaire he could just invest his oodles of dosh in social projects or third-world agricultural schemes and therefore rid the world of many actual causes of crime and general evil-doing. Do we see Bill Gates zooming about the place in one of C3PO's castoffs shooting down planes he doesn't like the look of? I bet Iron Man's never rescued a cat from barbed wire, much less preserve the moral purity of any given pooch.
Way tougher than him.