Thoughts of a mad man
You never know what true love is until you've expirenced it. How do you know that you haven't already been through the relationship that was true love and why do you get the feeling that you've lost the one true love that you could have spent your entire life with? These things go through my mind often as i sit by myself, alone, and wish that i could grasp a relationship that i felt was true on both sides. Is it because i can't get over an ex girlfriend, or am i just trying to make up an excuse for why i don't connect with the person? Sure i've met a lot of girls, some of which i haven't had a relationship with, but only a few of them have i felt this extreme and deep desire to hold on to. I'm sure there will be more girls in my life that i'll feel this way about but right now i just feel as if i'm in the between state where i'm not going to find someone that makes me feel that way about them. Maybe it's the lack of drugs that's changed my outlook on life and love, or maybe it's just me growing older and thinking more and more about how i want my life and love to go, i'm sure i'll figure it out but it may not be soon. There's so much involved in each to think about and decide what i want . I guess for now i just sit here and continue doing what i have been for the last 7 months and that is keep working towards my life, fixing the minor things and changing the major until one day someone comes along and i get that, "i love you and never want to let you go" feeling.
While i'm at it i mise well get everything else off my chest.
First off i'll start with some heavy shit. I've got some friends that are just straight up scum bags. Those of you that are scum bags probably don't know that you are but you know that i've thought it or maybe have told you that you are before. One thing i rarely did while i was young and reckless was steal from friends and family. I can count a few times where i have done it but i never took it to extreme measures and i've appologized for a majority of the things that i have done. I don't know why i continue to hang out with these types of people, maybe it's because in some way or another they remind me of myself at that age and maybe it's cause i like to study the being of people and how the act towards different situations...i don't know, probably a little bit of both. Other than them people, the majority of the rest of my friends i can almost call family. Well some more than others but there's a distance between people i'd consider brothers and people i'd consider cousins. But in each in every way you guys have all been great to me at one point or another and for that i am forever greatful.
Now i mentioned something else that i'd like to share with you. I've been trying to figure this out about myself for some time now. I met this old guy and he read me like a book and that's when i thought my final thought about it in the wondering way. Lots of you know that while i'm at a party or gathering with people that i don't know to well i'm usually silent. Sometimes i'll admit to it being do to shyness but that doesn't take away the other explination for the lack of speach. I like to study people. Read them if you will. Make sure that they are someone that i'd like to get to know well and share things with or put in the scum bag pile and just be nice with them. That's putting it lightly, but i can't give away all of my secrets..mwahaha. Anyhow though, i've been doing it for a fairly long time and i've learned so much about situations, people, reactions, so much. I've held on to the people that i felt dearly for and i've set aside the rest in to seperate categories of how much i'll talk to them. There are a few people that have questioned my knowning of certian situations, "maturity" if you will, but it's much deeper than being mature. Anyone who know's me knows that my mind is in the gutter 3/4 of the time and i like to joke about pretty much anything, it's just that i know who i can act that way around and who i should be more careful about what i say. Some say that is maturity, i say it's more or less common sense at it's best but it could be a mixture. Whatever it may end up being, i'm glad that i had that talk with that old guy...he's sweet.
I guess that's all for now...come back next week for reason why i think life's rediculous
While i'm at it i mise well get everything else off my chest.
First off i'll start with some heavy shit. I've got some friends that are just straight up scum bags. Those of you that are scum bags probably don't know that you are but you know that i've thought it or maybe have told you that you are before. One thing i rarely did while i was young and reckless was steal from friends and family. I can count a few times where i have done it but i never took it to extreme measures and i've appologized for a majority of the things that i have done. I don't know why i continue to hang out with these types of people, maybe it's because in some way or another they remind me of myself at that age and maybe it's cause i like to study the being of people and how the act towards different situations...i don't know, probably a little bit of both. Other than them people, the majority of the rest of my friends i can almost call family. Well some more than others but there's a distance between people i'd consider brothers and people i'd consider cousins. But in each in every way you guys have all been great to me at one point or another and for that i am forever greatful.
Now i mentioned something else that i'd like to share with you. I've been trying to figure this out about myself for some time now. I met this old guy and he read me like a book and that's when i thought my final thought about it in the wondering way. Lots of you know that while i'm at a party or gathering with people that i don't know to well i'm usually silent. Sometimes i'll admit to it being do to shyness but that doesn't take away the other explination for the lack of speach. I like to study people. Read them if you will. Make sure that they are someone that i'd like to get to know well and share things with or put in the scum bag pile and just be nice with them. That's putting it lightly, but i can't give away all of my secrets..mwahaha. Anyhow though, i've been doing it for a fairly long time and i've learned so much about situations, people, reactions, so much. I've held on to the people that i felt dearly for and i've set aside the rest in to seperate categories of how much i'll talk to them. There are a few people that have questioned my knowning of certian situations, "maturity" if you will, but it's much deeper than being mature. Anyone who know's me knows that my mind is in the gutter 3/4 of the time and i like to joke about pretty much anything, it's just that i know who i can act that way around and who i should be more careful about what i say. Some say that is maturity, i say it's more or less common sense at it's best but it could be a mixture. Whatever it may end up being, i'm glad that i had that talk with that old guy...he's sweet.
I guess that's all for now...come back next week for reason why i think life's rediculous