(Untitled)

[patriotqueen]

He was drunk, he had lost count on which cigarette he was on, and he was decidedly not letting the piercing sensation behind his eyes win. With no nail left to bit, he had started on a patch of dead skin at the tip of his thumb. He was looking at a page in a book, but had long left his attention to the words afloat.

Getting his mind off of things

Comments

[alittleofboth]

Guy's moods were always dramatic. Moderation was not in his vocabulary, a fact that Anthony was dreadfully familiar with.

But he had not seen Guy quite this bad in a very long time. He was curled in a corner of the cave, and he was a mess, and he was... broken.

Oh God, what now?

"What happened?" Anthony asked quietly as he approached.

[patriotqueen]

He didn't answer immediately. Couldn't even if he wanted to, because there was a lump in his throat that didn't want to go away. "The holocaust, apparently." he said eventually, with a humourless smile that didn't even try to fake realism and a gruff voice that could not feign indifference.

[alittleofboth]

Oh, God.

There had been rumors, those years ago, rumors that darkened as the war raged on, and they four had been more tuned into them than the rest of blissfully and selfishly ignorant Europe. But it was one thing to know what the Nazis might be capable of in the worst of circumstances, and another to see. And when the news footage started rolling in...

His jaw tightened at the memory. They said later that Berlin had been relieved that the Western Front had reached them before the East, because the Red Army had been ruthlessly destroying everything in their path. Anthony thought it was a pity.

He went further into the cave and sat beside Guy, resting his elbows on his knees. "How did you find out?"

[patriotqueen]

Rumours, yes, some, that there were labour facilities and everyone knew that they were treating the Jews horribly, but this? Not this. They didn't know this. The millions of deaths - the yellow stars, the pink and black triangles... they didn't know that.

"Movie. 'Bent'. Thought it was smut." Again no humour, but sparse words that hid nothing.

And he still didn't know all of it. Not by far.

[alittleofboth]

It was a source Anthony hadn't expected, and the title meant nothing to him, but he nodded.

He was silent for a long time, and then he spoke with even bitterness. "Near the end of the war, when it was clear the Germans were done for, the allied forces came through all the bits of Europe they had taken over - the Russians from the East, the British and the Americans from the West. They found - well. It seems you've seen. Well staffed. Meticulously organized and recorded."

Anthony's jaw tightened, his eyes narrowed, and his voice reeked of bitterness. "The worst of the rumors weren't as bad as that, and we hadn't really believed the worst."

"We shouldn't have been so surprised."

[patriotqueen]

Another depressed snort. "Shouldn't we?" He wasn't going to be comforted. Not today, not here. He had a right to feel miserable and he was taking it with both hands. The voice did have its soothing effects (he wasn't shouting, after all), but did not make him less angry.

Was this what Anthony meant when he said things had gone astray?

[alittleofboth]

Anthony did not often try to comfort. He was no good at it, and so in most cases it was a waste of time.

And now? No comfort could have calmed Guy anyway. He had every reason to feel the way he did. But there was an even, steady calmness in Anthony's voice all the same.

"We never truly let ourselves imagine the worst, not ever." He paused. "Is there a cigarette left?"

[patriotqueen]

He had placed some cigarettes in his old cigarette case, but now they were on the floor next to him. Easier that way to take one when needed, especially since he was lighting one with the other.

Silently he picked one up and passed it to Anthony. "How can we imagine... that?" Present tense, to him, right now, this was ongoing. This was happening somewhere and all he had to show for was a membership of the AGF.

[alittleofboth]

Anthony took the cigarette, and after finding a lighter among the mess as well, lit it. He shrugged, and did not comment on the use of tense. "And stay sane? Perhaps we cannot. But we were foolish, all the same."

[patriotqueen]

He wanted to shout to that. How could he just shrug and say that? The accusations were endless; how could he, how could they, how could anything. But instead of shouting he leaned in, their arms now touching and placed his head against the other's shoulder.

[alittleofboth]

Anthony took a drag from his cigarette and leaned closer, just slightly, to let him. "You think you know man's darkest reaches," he said with deep bitterness, "and then they prove you wrong."

[patriotqueen]

Mass murder, the purification of a species (no one ever mentioned the idiot general he hardly fit into the ideal of the pure 'Arischer' race, did they?).

It was silent, could be seconds, could be minutes, could be days. He took a drag from his cigarette and just took comfort in the silence. Until he could speak again.

[alittleofboth]

Anthony stayed silent as well, smoking the cigarette and glaring silently at the wall across from them. They had failed, the world had failed, but back then they had been so embroiled in their selfish, deadly game, so torn up from other failures, that they had taken their shock and continued.

What did you do with it now? He found himself wondering how people now managed with such horrors looming behind them.

[patriotqueen]

There was another part of the movie; a part that hurt in a different way, in a selfish way. The tragic story of love between to male inmates, one (proudly(!)) wearing the pink triangle and the other prefering the yellow star, preferring to be seen as Jew than as queer. He didn't let himself think about that too much (how could he, with such horror having happened, think of such trivialities), but it was there gnawing at the edge of his mind.

"What happens-... happened next?" He asked, knowing there was no answer.

[alittleofboth]

How could you answer that question? The rest of the world happened next, and little of it pleasant.

He shrugged again, not out of indifference, but out of lack of words. "Hitler shot himself right before Berlin was invaded. The camps were liberated - at least," he added dryly, "that's what they called it when they let out those who were still alive but barely human. The Americans and the British staged a show trial."

[patriotqueen]

He thought it would help, knowing there were survivers, knowing... something. It didn't. He felt just as miserable as before.

He sighed and took another drag. Shame there was no wine left.